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Another man has confessed feelings for me and I feel pretty shit about it.

(35 Posts)
Lamppull Thu 14-Dec-17 13:04:22

I'm happily married, adore my dh. Two lovely kids, we've had a good year.

I took up a hobby and lost weight, have taken more interest in myself with clothes and make-up etc. I know this man through said hobby so now I'm thinking did I lead him on in anyway.

I hope not. I talk to him, there is banter within the group but I haven't flirted other than being more confident, bubbly, laughing etc. I'm never alone with him. We had a night out recently and I did notice him looking at me but I thought nothing of it. I was showing a bit of leg, perhaps that was a mistake.

He is having some kind of breakdown/mid-life crisis I would say. He looks hollowed out and I know his marriage broke down recently sad. His so called feelings were proclaimed over a message.

I feel so stressed. Do I tell my dh, he won't be happy. Will he think I'm complicit? What do I say to this man? I don't want to leave my hobby which has brought me so much joy.

I feel like I'm complicit in something but I'm not. I'm not even flattered. He seems unwell and his poor wife.

paap1975 Thu 14-Dec-17 13:12:17

You need to make your feelings very clear to him, firmly but kindly (especially if he's had a tough time of it lately). Reply to him in writing if that's how he approached you. Make sure your message is very clear and cannot be misinterpreted. Good luck!

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 14-Dec-17 13:13:35

It’s not your fault at all. You get to wear whatever you want and it’s not “leading anyone on” to be friendly.

His issues are his alone, his behaviour is his responsibility and he’s badly crossed a line. I’m wondering why you’re worried about telling your husband. If it were me I’d tell my husband and let him know I’d told the man he’d being inappropriate and I’d expect his support and possibly some sympathy for the awkwardness caused by this man’s behaviour.

amusedbush Thu 14-Dec-17 13:14:50

You didn't lead this man on. You haven't done anything to entice him.

He is vulnerable and probably transferring confused feelings for his wife onto a lovely woman who has shown him positive attention.

Send him a clear, concise message telling him that you are not interested. I'd probably tell my DH if it were me as it might look worse to hide it.

cjt110 Thu 14-Dec-17 13:17:14

As PP says, state your intention, or lack of, very clearly and reiterate there is nothing coming from you.

I've had this happen to me. It wrecked my head a little as I questioned all sorts - my actions etc - thinking it was my fault. But no. It wasnt. It even made me feel wary of other genuine male friends.

Don't let this tarnish you, your opinion of yourself or of other male friends.

cjt110 Thu 14-Dec-17 13:18:15

And YY tell your DH. I did and he was very supportive of me.

Unfortunately for me, the man who did this, I work with hmm

StormTreader Thu 14-Dec-17 13:18:42

"Looking a bit nicer for you" isnt leading anyone on, it's not your responsibility to make sure you look dowdy and sad at all times to make it easier for The Men to control themselves.

AnotherDunroamin Thu 14-Dec-17 13:19:39

I'd send him a polite but firm message advising that you don't feel the same, and you don't want to receive any other such advances from him. I'd tell my DH (after I'd replied) so that he knew I wasn't complicit in anything, and I'd keep going to the hobby group and be civil but not overly friendly with the man.
Not because being friendly or getting dressed up somehow made it "your fault", but because he's obviously in a situation where he's not able to view friendliness from an attractive woman in an objective way. It's kinder to him IMHO to leave him in no doubt about your lack of feelings for him.

uncoolnn Thu 14-Dec-17 13:23:25

I've been in a similar situation this week although I am not in a relationship. Someone I know has expressed feelings for me and it isn't mutual, however I have been friendly etc to him. Like you, I wondered if I'd let him on etc but I genuinely don't think I have. I had to tell him obviously, I was (I think) firm but nice about it. Just remember that it probably isn't anything you've done or could have stopped smile

Fozzleyplum Thu 14-Dec-17 13:24:11

This happened to me a few years ago. I just told the man I was happily married and not interested, and I told DH. I knew I'd not done anything to give the man the impression that I was interested in him, but I think if you come across as pleasant, some men who like the look of you will think it's worth a try!

Lamppull Thu 14-Dec-17 13:25:33

I've already told my dh - he just phoned. He was quite nonchalant and said well I'm not surprised you are hot hmmgrin.

I thought he'd be threatening to knock this man's block off. Must be middle age! He said just to ignore him, he'll get over it silly sod.

Couldn't help laughing despite myself. It's not really funny though is it when I think of families in chaos etc.

restbiterepeat Thu 14-Dec-17 13:26:01

I wouldn't couch it in any way that makes the message that you are not interested unclear. "No, thanks. Happily married." Don't feel bad and get into a consolidation conversation where you become a shoulder to cry on.

user1493413286 Thu 14-Dec-17 13:28:33

It’s not your fault! I’d tell your husband and if you haven’t replied ask him for help in responding. If my OH told me this I’d be annoyed with the other person and not my OH but I would be upset if he hadn’t told me.
You and your DH could write the message together and then end it with both your names so this guy gets the message that you don’t have secrets from your dh and won’t stand for this. I’ve known people do that and other person has then backed off in a panic that their partner would be told.

Lamppull Thu 14-Dec-17 13:31:43

I'm a bit of a people pleaser and at risk of trying to appease people's feelings so I think any kind of conversation is out. Not that I'd do anything inappropriate but I know I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

Couldn't I just ignore it?!

I do need to be clear though, I know this.

MikeUniformMike Thu 14-Dec-17 13:37:49

You haven't done anything wrong. You sound attractive as a person, and a newly single man might not realise that you are married.
Decline his advances by saying you are happily married, and let it go.

Lamppull Thu 14-Dec-17 13:38:57

Oh he knows fine well I'm married. I wear my rings and talk about my dh hmm

So odd.

EnidButton Thu 14-Dec-17 13:43:57

I am not interested. I'm happily married.

End of conversation/message.

If you do say anything, don't apologise or say thank you. You've done nothing wrong and you don't owe him anything.

(As in, thank you but... or I'm sorry I don't...)

EnidButton Thu 14-Dec-17 13:44:34

Or actually, just 'I'm not interested.'

MikeUniformMike Thu 14-Dec-17 13:45:17

Exactly what EnidButton said.

BenLui Thu 14-Dec-17 13:48:28

Your husband seems to be reacting to this far more sensibly than you!

Just reply briefly to the man that you are not interested.

There’s no need to give up your hobby but I’d make sure I wasn’t alone with this guy for a while to avoid the offer being repeated.

Don’t be embarrassed or feel guilty. He is responsible for his own feelings and his own behaviour.

eddielizzard Thu 14-Dec-17 13:48:43

yy to enidbutton

Lamppull Thu 14-Dec-17 13:50:01

Okay I took a deep breath and messaged him. Just said, 'I'm happily married and not intererested in a relationship with anyone else but hope we can still be cordial in said hobby'

That okay? I feel a bit sick, not sure why. It's the thought of facing him.

Lamppull Thu 14-Dec-17 13:51:01

Well my dh is generally more sensible! I over think everything and bumble through life tbh.

gamerchick Thu 14-Dec-17 13:51:36

Now if the same happened to your husband would you threaten to knock her block off? wink

My husband would be like yours, it’s a good sign that your relationship is in a good place IMO.

Be kind to the dude though, it doesn’t sound as if he’s in a very good place.

IvorBiggun Thu 14-Dec-17 13:54:23

I wouldn’t have added the last bit about being cordial.

But what you did is fine. Just because a man shows an interest doesn’t mean he is entitled to anything from you.

Some people can be weird about relationships with the opposite sex and not able to distinguish between friendly and romantic. That’s their issue and not yours.

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