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Who gets custody of your kids if something happens to you?

(49 Posts)
ivenoideawhatimdoing Wed 13-Dec-17 18:58:03

Just that really, DH and I are planning our will in the new year and whilst we've discussed it for years, we have never made a definitive answer to who will get custody of our children.

We have a son who is nearly two and I am newly pregnant.

The original plan was for custody to be shared between my mother and sister, to be allocated how they see fit.

My Mum has stage four cancer and my sister is herself pregnant.

We have no extended family.

MIL is... abhorrent and DH's brother and his wife aren't the most responsible. We have close friends, God Parents, who would step up to the job but ideally want them to remain with family.

Would it be fair to ask my sister to have them, even with her own family? What allocations have you made for your own children?

ivenoideawhatimdoing Wed 13-Dec-17 18:59:32

*Forgot to add we don't want to give custody to my mum as she will not be well and will sadly pass away. The pressure would be too much and unfair.

hidinginthenightgarden Wed 13-Dec-17 19:00:04

My parents would take the kids (not actually set in a will though).

I have thought about asking my sister but have the same dilemma as you. She doesn't yet have kids and I don't know how fair it would be to ask such a thing.

Elllicam Wed 13-Dec-17 19:01:54

I think probably my PIL. Ideally my mum would take them but my dad smokes 80 a day and isn’t the kindest...

SparklingSnowdrops Wed 13-Dec-17 19:02:49

DH's older sister would get DD as she would be the best one to look after her and give her the life we want for her.

Between us we have 2 sisters and 2 brothers so we had to really sit down and think who would give DD the opportunities we want her to have and she ticked every box.

RunningOutOfCharge Wed 13-Dec-17 19:02:56

you can put in a will who you would like to have them, but ultimately that can be overridden by social services......they are the ones who decide where the kids would be best placed

AtlanticWaves Wed 13-Dec-17 19:03:47

It's first my parents then DB.

Not ideal as they'll have to move countries so will lose friends and school. Also not great if it's DB as he has zero space for them and would have to move house(the DC would inherit a very large sum). That and we have very different parenting styles!

There is literally no one else we can ask which makes me sad

ivenoideawhatimdoing Wed 13-Dec-17 19:05:27

Thank you for all your responses! It's possibly the hardest choice we've ever had to make, the thought of anyone raising our children is dreadful.

@runningoutofcharge would social services need to be involved? My assumption would be that as it was in our will custody would be automatically granted.

vvviola Wed 13-Dec-17 19:07:49

My Mum. And if she isn't able or willing for whatever reason (age etc), then my best friend. She is godmother to my eldest and her husband is godfather to my youngest. (Solicitor advised naming only one of them in the Will, but essentially it would be both of them).

They live close enough to us that the children could still have contact with friends etc. And our parenting styles are very similar.

Both DH and I have brothers but they are literally on the other side of the world, and for that reason and others we ruled them out.

honeysucklejasmine Wed 13-Dec-17 19:08:21

My sister. My parents and my brother live very close by so they would all have involvement in practise. My sister knows this, but we haven't made a will yet. It's on the to do list.

catwoozle Wed 13-Dec-17 19:09:23

My sister in law, and if she isn't around, my cousin. flowers OP. Discuss it with the people involved, it's not easy but needs sorting.

It's easier to sort out if guardians are appointed by will than going to the court of guardians after a bereavement.

mustbemad17 Wed 13-Dec-17 19:09:38

My parents. If they were unable or, god forbid, not around, I have asked my best mate & her hubby to be guardians.

Snowman41 Wed 13-Dec-17 19:10:14

DD because she is old enough and no one understands these kids better. I would hate for her to ever be burdened, but we had a serious talk about things and she wouldn't want it to be anyone else. Prior to her turning 16 I literally had no one.

Howsthings1234 Wed 13-Dec-17 19:10:22

I don't think them having their own children should really come in to it. For me I made the decision based on who could love my children like their own, who could provide them with an outlook on life that I admire and who would be kind and fun.

For me that led me to the decision it would be my brother and wife.

If my brother or sister wanted me to have their kids in the terrible event that they could no longer take care of them the fact I also have my own would be irrelevant - I would love them and care for them in a heartbeat because they are family. Yes it would change things but you would make it work.

TangledInTinsel Wed 13-Dec-17 19:11:11

BIL with instructions never to leave them alone with my family is our only choice, with the expectation that IL's would help. He and his girlfriend would be great with them, they unfortunately cant have their own. IL's are too old for full time looking after DC.
DC know BIL will look after them if we die (DS went through a morbid phase recently!)

DustyMaiden Wed 13-Dec-17 19:16:41

Ask the person you would most want to have them, or at least make decisions for them.

frenchfancy Wed 13-Dec-17 19:20:59

God parents. All 3 have the same god parents, and they have no children of their own so look after ours as they are family.

hellsbells99 Wed 13-Dec-17 19:26:11

We named my sister who doesn't have any children and also took out a large insurance policy so that she could afford them. They are now 19 and 20 so can look after themselves!

Andrewofgg Wed 13-Dec-17 19:31:00

DS is now adult but we named my sister and her DH - TBH none of the rellies were ideal but they were the least worst.

iismum Wed 13-Dec-17 19:35:19

I think running is right - you cannot leave you children to anyone in your will, they're not a possession. You can indicate what your wishes would be and social services will stick with those if they seem appropriate, but if the people you name aren't keen or SS feel they aren't suitable, they will make their own arrangements - with a strong preference to keep them in the family. If you name suitable people though, and they are keen to do it, it shouldn't be a problem.

ChristinaParsons Wed 13-Dec-17 19:35:56

Social services. You don’t get to choose. Better hope your family comes up to scratch

ToriaPumpkin Wed 13-Dec-17 19:41:59

My best friend and her husband. Her husband went to uni with my husband, we've all known each other for over 15 years and they're Godparents to both children. They have children of their own, but ours stand to inherit a reasonable sum which would help with any changes and the costs of raising them.

It does mean moving a few hours away from both sets of grandparents, but all four of our parents are in their sixties now, so potentially they'd be in their eighties (nineties for FIL) before the children were old enough to support themselves and I know my friends will facilitate the best relationship possible.

RunningOutOfCharge Wed 13-Dec-17 19:44:56

the children best interests will always come first

wills are only an indication of preference.

Snowman41 Wed 13-Dec-17 19:46:11

Erm, of course you can appoint a legal guardian.

ChristmasAddict Wed 13-Dec-17 19:48:03

Can you leave a message for social services in your will stating that they must not be left with certain family members? My dear would be DS would go to his grandparents who are none of them suitable. We have asked a friend to be a legal guardian but if it had to be a family member I would want it to be one of my brothers.

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