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I need to have an awkward conversation with DD(82 Posts)
And could use some advice
She’s 12 nearly 13. Perfectly healthy weight/height. I’ve checked her BMI and it’s just over the middle of normal.
I’m tiny. Underweight and have been my whole life. Not through diet or eating disorder, I’m just thin. My sister did have anorexia for years and I’m very very wary of how easily this is started in young girls.
DD borrows my clothes and I borrow hers. Usually hoodies/jumpers/jeans/leggings. She’s always taking stuff and I don’t mind.
But it’s got to the point now where she’s stretching my clothes out. My favourite jeans are now baggy around the bum because she’s bigger than me. NOT fat. Just bigger (she has boobs I’ve never had and a nice bum), I’ve always been more boyish.
I’ve just found my favourite leggings in her room that I was going to wear tomorrow. The knees and bum are now baggy and loose on me.
Long story short I need to ask her to stop wearing my clothes but I don’t know how without clearly saying you’re bigger than me and it’s stretching them.
If you have any advice I would appreciate it. My sisters teenage years and early twenties were dominated by her anorexia and I’m paranoid about making any wrong move.
I definitely would not mention anything about stretching- I think you can tell her not to wear your clothes as simply they are yours and she has her own. You wanted to wear that tmrw but now it needs to be washed etc. Do not mention anything about size or stretching- it's such a sensitive time for that age group- as you seem to be aware.
I would say to her: keep those few items as she really likes them and replace them with ones she won't need to borrow?
I wouldn't mention weight or saggy clothes at all.
I think it'd be best to approach it from a now your older, you don't want to be wearing your mums clothes type angle, don't wear her stuff either and maybe go out and buy her a new top or something together. Don't mention the size difference.
I think it should be about a boundary of possession, and work both ways. These items belong to you, so you don't want the hassle of having to rewash things or try to find them.
Her things belong to her though so you can't pop her hoody on anymore.
I don't think it has to be about size.
My dd who is 16 does this and it's as much about using up my clean clothes as anything else. I'm not going to wear leggings to work that have been worn and dumped on the floor in her room!
Ask her to write a list of stuff she needs and get her new leggings, jeans etc on the understanding that she stops using your stuff because you need to plan your clothes for work etc.
Just say its not cool to borrow your old mums clothes (I'd have never done that at her age, older sister yes, mum definitely not), and stop borrowing hers!
She’s not stupid though and it’s kind of a thing we have between us, today for example I went shopping and she text me after I said I’d been in topshop asking what I’d bought. I sent some photos as she’s at her dads and she text back saying I love OUR new top hahaha”
She’ll know something is up if I suddenly say she can’t borrow stuff anymore.
I think maybe if I give it another few months she won’t fit in them physically and will stop asking. Obviously hoodies etc don’t matter, it’s more the stretchy clothes. Yes I want to avoid saying anything about her being too big or ruining my clothes
She’s asked for clothes for Xmas so I might get some new jeans for her along with them.
It’s just leggings and jeans really and a skirt which she loves which I could just give to her.
Yes have already text about leaving my clothes on her floor before I even realised the were stretched!
If you don't want to go for respectful boundaries then I'd be light about it and give an 'oi, those jeans aren't getting over your bum anymore missy!' Much in the way I'd tell someone that their clown feet aren't to stretch out my shoes.
I think if you go in too earnestly and tip toe gently it will come across as a genuine criticism, that you think she's fat rather than just making your clothes ill fitting for you.
You will however need to accept that the clothes budget will increase.
It's only going to lead to conflict in the future! My daughter is exactly the same but it's frustrating when I need my black jumper as that's the only thing that goes with a particular outfit and she's taken it and left it in a crumpled heap. Can you make certain items off limits as you need them? Such as leggings and jeans. My daughter now knows not to touch the stuff I use for work (she still occasionally uses stuff though!!
Its a tough one.
I'd probably tell her that you have decided to have a capsule wardrobe as a new year's resolution to reduce the cost, impact on the environment, dislike the idea of disposable clothes. You will have fewer items and they need to be cared for and ready to wear whenever you want them as you won't have many to choose from. Therefore, she has to stick to clothes from her own wardrobe. You could give her some of her favourites from your wardrobe to make it more believable and to lessen the shock for her of suddenly having less choice.
You could shop together and each choose your own piece of clothing if you like the same thing. You could encourage her individuality by saying how much something suits her whereas it wouldn't suit you etc.
I wouldn't mention weight to a child personally unless her diet was terrible.
Don't comment on her body or her weight in any way at all. There is no good way to do this.
Just tell her you don't appreciate finding your clothes on her bedroom floor and you expect her to wash, dry, iron and put anything she borrows back in your cupboard. That will stop her borrowing for sure.
Do jeans really get stretched by a slightly bigger bum? Just wash them an£ the6 should return to size.
Could you do it as now you're so tall rather than waist size? Itreally does depend on how sensitive your daughter is.
Don’t mention her size. Just say you’re fed up of her sharing your clothes because she’s doing it more and more and things aren’t clean when you want to wear them. You’re allowed to change your mind. Buy her some leggings for Xmas or give her those and get yourself a pair for you.
If you’re convinced she’s smart enough to work out that it’s about size, say what you’ve said here. She’s perfect just the way she is, you’re no “better” a body shape or size than her, just different. You’re boyish, she has boobs and bum. As such, your clothes won’t always fit her properly (and vice versa), and may not suit either. If it were me, I’d probably throw in a “wish I had boobs at your age!” even if I didn’t.
I’m sensitive to your concerns about eating disorders, I am too with my DD. I’ve decided that a healthy attitude starts with honesty. If not from your own Mum, who else?
How about saying that you've got different frames?
Be positive about how she is more statuesque than you.
This could be a positive conversation about how women and girls come in all different shapes and sizes and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's something to be celebrated.
She's going to get noticeably bigger than you if she's only 12/13 and not as petite as you.
Maybe say that she's already taller? Or got a bum that you could only wish for?
I feel for you, it's like walking a tightrope with young girls and body image.
It's unusually to have the same taste as a 12 year old girl, as someone who is old enough to be the parent of one. How old are op?
Based on my experience of a daughter who has never never, ever been overweight but developed anorexia when she was 19 I would not allude to weight/size or stretching in any way.
DD is naturally much taller and wider framed than me (takes after her dad's family) but is still very slight (for the record I am only 5 ft tall and whilst I am middle aged and overweight I am very small framed). She has never been bigger than a 8/10 but she still remembers a throwaway comment someone made when she was fourteen about her not being able to fit into a pair of my jeans. The comment referred to the difference in our build but DD heard it as 'you are even fatter than your elderly and somewhat dumpy mother' and it went deep.
Could you just have a secret stash of jeans and leggings somewhere, or get something you know she is not into. I don't think there is a delicate way to say you are stretching my clothes. It hurts when people say that, it really does.
Take her shopping. Tell her it will be nicer for her to have her own things now that she is almost a teenager. Reinforce the fact that teenagers have their own clothes, their own spaces, the right to close their bedroom door.
The message of no more casual picking through each other's wardrobes needs to be reinforced by you - do not borrow her things any more. An adult should not be wearing clothes designed for a 12 year old. Buy enough clothes for yourself.
Please don't comment on her weight especially in the light of compared to you so your clothes don't fit her. You mean it lightly and she will take it heavily and remember it forever. Please just take her shopping for her own things, or let her keep your things that don't fit you anymore.
I will never forget as a young teenager when my tiny cheerleader mum said 'I don't know why my daughters ended up so big....maybe I ate too much in pregnancy'. I am 42 now and have never forgotten it. I was a size 10 then and also now a size 10 but I still emotionally feel like the big girl. So now I tend to overeat when stressed or anxious, and hide my portion size from my mother when she is visiting because she will still say 'oh my god you can't eat all that'. Why on earth I care I don't know - I am very happy with myself and my life. But she made me....and then managed to make me feel not good enough (after having made me!) when I was young and vulnerable. So annoying that it had that impact on my approach to diet.please don't give your lovely daughter any reason to question who she is at this stage.
My daughter has been bigger than me since a young age. It has never been an issue, as a pp stated, don't pussy foot around just state facts, otherwise it may sound like you are horrified/critical. My daughter is incredibly body confident, so it was not problematic to tell her that my clothes did not fit her properly.
You’re lucky @Reppin. At this age, it can easily trigger an eating disorder. Especially as there’s one in the family.
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