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So disappointed DP is at home

(48 Posts)
Eastie77 Tue 12-Dec-17 15:43:22

I took the day off work today. Plan was to go Xmas present shopping early in the morning once our childminder had picked up DC and then come home to a nice, calm house for a few hours. Wrap presents and chill in peace and quiet.

I arrived back from the shops to find DP here, sitting on the sofa sad. He has once again decided to just leave work early (he does this frequently, just leaves at lunchtime and doesn't go back - long story). So no peace and quiet as he is watching some shite with Antonio Banderas on TV in the front room and eating noisily which drives me to distraction.

I know this is a first world problem but I NEVER get any time on my own at home. DP has no friends or hobbies at all so if he isn't at work he is here. He takes the kids out on the weekend but only for a very brief period e.g. 30mins or so to the park. I organize all proper trips out for them to local attractions, museums, library etc. He happily comes along but will never, ever proactively arrange anything himself.

He used to take them for long play dates with our neighbours kids but he has fallen out badly with them (he falls out with 99% of all people he is initially friendly) so he no longer does that.

I just feel like crying because I booked this day off and was so looking forward to some alone time. Any other time I book off is taken up with running household errands, volunteering at DD's school and 'life admin'. In the evening I am so exhausted that I just go to bed at the same time as the kids. I am up at 6am every day, work is full on then home to prep dinner and deal with kids. DP 'works' 8am - 5pm and picks up DC from CM but probably only does those hours 2 days a week as the rest of the time he leaves early. Despite this, he will not pick up the kids early and make a start on dinner because leaving work early gives him some "much needed free time" to relax at home.


PinkHeart5914 Tue 12-Dec-17 15:48:14

What do you mean he just decides to leave at lunchtime? Don’t his employers mind? How on earth does he keep his job

Who falls out with 99% of people they know? What’s wrong with him?

Why can’t be take his dc out for more than 30 mins? His their dad ffs he should be more than capable of entertaining them without you having organised it

Yanbu to want a day to yourself no dc, no partner. We all like that sometimes don’t we

KatnissK Tue 12-Dec-17 15:59:04

I can totally sympathise. I love being at home by myself. It would really irritate me too. Can you make a cup of tea, take your wrapping in another room and listen to the radio or watch something on a tablet? Not the same I know but you at least you'd be by yourself?

Eastie77 Tue 12-Dec-17 16:05:42

He works in building maintenance and he is sent to different buildings around London. After completing a job he is supposed to return to 'base' and await a new task. His manager is often busy at different sites and so apparently doesn't or cannot keep track of DP at all times. DP takes advantage of this and just goes home. He recently had a disciplinary due to his poor work attitude so I guess it's only a matter of time before he loses his job but he doesn't seem to care since he says recruitment agencies call him every day and there are lots of jobs in his sector.

His know it all and over bearing personality means he has no friends. You'd have to meet him to understand, too much to explain in this thread only. Suffice to say after 15 years in England he doesn't have a single friend although apparently there are some in his home country.

I am going to book myself into a hotel for the day. I've been inspired by another thread I saw about this recently.

HarrietKettleWasHere Tue 12-Dec-17 16:06:54

Does he know you are irritated with him or is he oblivious?

Is there some sort of mental issue there? Why does he fall out with people and skip work?!

Eastie77 Tue 12-Dec-17 16:09:18

KatnissK - yes, thank you for the suggestion. I'm taking the laptop into the bedroom to put Netflix on and finish the wrapping. Of course he cannot help with wrapping the presents.

His contribution to the DC's Xmas was to tell me that 4 year old DD should get a violin this year because in his home country kids start learning an instrument at this ageconfused. No suggestion whatsover that he'll organize this of course.

Ragwort Tue 12-Dec-17 16:14:12

I get how you feel, I love having time alone 'pottering around' the house - I can choose to work weekends so I often do so that I can have peace and quiet at home - but DH has been home this week as his work is mainly outside - obviously snowed off.

I dread to think what it will be like when we are both retired, my mum (85) even moans that she finds it difficult as Dad (87) is 'around' all the time. grin.

Eastie77 Tue 12-Dec-17 16:14:56

Mental health, perhaps. I keep meaning to post a thread in General Health to see if anyone recognizes his personality traits as some kind of condition: complete lack of empathy, no friends, quirks such as all his socks and shirt sleeves are cut to shreds since he doesn't like the feeling of 'restriction', extremely slow at finishing tasks and prioritizing, extraordinarily poor sense of direction..

On the flip-side, he has a degree from Oxford, speaks 3 languages fluently and when something is important to him he is perfectly capable of thinking clearly and quickly, is organized and all the little 'difficulties' associated with his personality disappear.

Nyx1 Tue 12-Dec-17 16:23:15

oh dear
I would go nuts if I didn't have time at home alone

As for the other issue - the fact he can get himself together is interesting!

was he like this when you met him?

PyongyangKipperbang Tue 12-Dec-17 16:24:07

Based on that I would say that he hasnt got a mental heatlh problem but he does have a lazy and selfish problem, or rather, you do. If it was a genuine illness then it would affect all parts of his life, but it doesnt seem to affect he things he wants to do....funny that hmm

You dont sound like you like him very much (why would you?!) so why are you still with him? Being a single parent is much easier when you dont have another parent hanging around the place.......

whoareyoukidding Tue 12-Dec-17 16:26:17

OP do you actually like your DP? I'm not trying to be argumentative or anything, but if he annoys you this much have you thought about a future for yourself without him featuring so much?

whoareyoukidding Tue 12-Dec-17 16:26:55

x posts pyong

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 12-Dec-17 16:29:09

I think you need to get rid of him. He sounds like a loser. Then you’d have plenty of time to yourself when you book a day off.

RosyWelshcakes Tue 12-Dec-17 16:29:53

OP, have you ever considered he could be on the autism spectrum?

ZigZagandDustin Tue 12-Dec-17 16:30:35

I don't know, what exactly are you getting out of this marriage? Your best times seem to (understandable) be when he's not around. Imagine him not around any of the time, how does that feel?

Pumperthepumper Tue 12-Dec-17 16:34:16

This would drive me insane, I love being in the house by myself and get hardly any time alone, having DH in with no warning would make me rage.

But your DH sounds very difficult and you don’t seem very happy with him generally. Are you looking to leave him?

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares Tue 12-Dec-17 16:35:55

I love my OH, but need time alone !!

we have a spare room which i will go (trashy tv/ironing/knitting) to when he is playing computer games / watching football. We are happy having space from each other. It is completely healthy.

I appreciate this may not be practical when DC are around, is there a space you can make in your house for you ?

Copperkettles Tue 12-Dec-17 16:39:57

Why are you with him? I just couldn't tolerate him

MotorwayMingebag Tue 12-Dec-17 16:40:33

Poor you. Out of interest what keeps you with him? I'm struggling to imagine what could outweigh the negatives you have described.

PyongyangKipperbang Tue 12-Dec-17 16:42:08

have you ever considered he could be on the autism spectrum

Just for once it would be nice to read a thread about a woman dealing with a selfish fuck nugget where someone didnt suggest ASD. It affects all areas of life, not just the work/wifework related ones you know. There is no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lazy selfish prick.

Seeingadistance Tue 12-Dec-17 16:42:30

Possibly autism, but really, it doesn't matter. It doesn't seem to bother him, so he's unlikely to do anything about a diagnosis or change as a result of increased self-knowledge.

What do you get out of this relationship?

Bluntness100 Tue 12-Dec-17 16:43:22

I understand what you’re saying, loving someone doesn’t mean you never want alone time.

I’d also say a lot of his behavuour is down to sheer bloody mindedness, he does what he wants, when he wants and if he wants. Anything else he plays lip service to, inc his job.

Is he arrogant? It reads like he feels he’s more important than anyone else.

chickenowner Tue 12-Dec-17 16:43:22

I was just about to suggest a hotel but you've already thought of that!

ReanimatedSGB Tue 12-Dec-17 16:43:25

Is he DC's father? If not then FFS get rid. Even if he is, have a serious think about whether your life - or your DC's lives - are actually improved in any way by having this selfish, lazy tosser underfoot all the time.
You're right that he's going to lose his job soon, and he's likely to have difficulty getting another - can you afford to keep him? Is he that good in bed that you would even want to?

diddl Tue 12-Dec-17 16:44:59

There won't be many jobs on offer once word of his attitude gets out!

He sounds awful.

Won't wrap presents?

Do you still want to be with him?

I can't imagine being anything but delighted at getting home & husband unexpectedly being there.

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