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My heart is breaking, any one around who could handhold?

(33 Posts)
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 00:47:36

We ended a few months ago. It was my decision. I wouldn’t say I didn’t love him. I did and still do.

There were important disagreements over which we ended, which are still good reasons for the break up. Nothing necessarily nasty, just being at different points in our lives with each of us having different but important responsibilities.

At the time of the break up I did asume I would continue to love him for a while and eventually one day I would stop loving him. I haven’t.

Today I found out he has a new relationship. Which I understand it was going to happen, but I am feeling totally heartbroken.

I’m one to turn things around to make things happen but I know that on this I just need to step back and let their new relationship develop. I don’t believe for a moment he has stopped loving me so soon but i know that when it comes to these things I need to make myself scarce and lick my wounds in private.

But good grief, it hurts as a bereavement. sad

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 12-Dec-17 01:04:04

Sorry you’re having such a difficult time. You know the relationship was wrong for you and it sounds like you made the right decision to end it.

It’s alwaus tough when someone you were with moves on like this, so so much harder when you still love them. But him being in a new relationship doesn’t mean you did the wrong thing in splitting up as the reasons behind your decision still stand.

Keep yourself busy, lick your wounds and in time it really be easier flowers

Rainbowqueeen Tue 12-Dec-17 01:09:57

Handholding here.

You wouldn't be human if you weren't grieving. Take a day to wallow, have a good cry and then try to focus on the positives in your life and keep busy.

Easier said than done but it really does help

Haggisfish Tue 12-Dec-17 01:11:05

Oh it’s horrible op. Sounds like you thought it through properly, though. I agree with allowing yourself time to wallow and grieve.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 01:12:43

There are not many positives in my life at the moment, which obviously make me feel worse.

I have a very difficult relationship with my family and this year I decided to go almost NC, so I am feeling a bit orphaned. It would be the first Christmas DS and I will spend completely in our own.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 01:14:36

I really don’t know if I am crying because I have lost him or because of all the loneliness that I feel. Mind you, I’m happy that he is happy but I feel so sorry for myself.

Haggisfish Tue 12-Dec-17 01:17:32

Can you go and do something with ds on Christmas Day?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 01:20:58

He is a teen that as a good teen, doesn’t want to do much with me. I thought of going for a little holiday, I thought A change of scene would help but he prefers to stay at home. sad

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 01:25:52

I have been feeling very trapped, DS is not in the mood for going out and I’m getting so depressed staying at home. Last week he was away for the weekend and I went for a lovely day trip on my own. I did really dnjoy it. I always loved traveling on my own and it was like recovering a bit of myself. I was planning another outing this week while DS was at school, but with the news today I just feel like staying in bed and cry, which is worse as I know I will feel much worse and angry with myself if I waste the day of annual leave I’m forced to take before the end of the year.

ohtheholidays Tue 12-Dec-17 01:30:50

You can feel your sadness with the words you've used,I'm sorry your hurting so much and that things have been so difficult,a hand hold from me or a hug if you'd like it.

I hope that the pain starts to becomes less for you soon and that you and your DS are able to have a lovely Christmas together.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 01:36:36

Thank you, and thank you for the hug. I’m in tears now, which is quite a thing. I’m thecwoman who cannot (or coukdn’t) cry.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 12-Dec-17 06:30:21

Can you make a list of places you'd like to go to? Then you could ask DS to choose one he fancies as an outing

I hope you still do go on your solo outing this week- maybe once you're over the shock of the news you will feel more like it. If not, try faking it till you make it!!!

Best wishes

TheWorldIsMyCakePop Tue 12-Dec-17 06:41:56

I'm here though I'm hoping you've got some sleep now. I like the idea of making a list of towns/sights you'd like to visit and doing some research while you're cuddled in bed - preferably with a hot chocolate or and a box of biscuits.

Even if you made the decision to end a relationship, it is very much like a bereavement. He's probably on the rebound. How is it you know about this new relationship? Can you block social media or ask mutual friends not to mention him?

Mrswinkler Tue 12-Dec-17 06:50:39

Big hug.

I've been there, his decision to split but I knew it was the right one. So painful when he found someone else. Some days I couldn't bear the pain of the thought of it. But like you've guessed it was more the thought of being on my own, starting again. I wrote a list of pros and cons about the split and would refer to it at bad times to keep me going. Try that and concentrate on the pros.

Fast forward a few years and he's a good friend, we still care about each other and successfully co-parent. He's still with his partner and we all have a good relationship. If you can weather this storm (and he's not a complete ass grin) there's hope.

Gramgram Tue 12-Dec-17 06:59:52

Handhold from me too. Christmas is also a difficult time, try to concentrate on making new fun memories for you and your DS. It could be as simple as a good walk and hot chocolate on Christmas Eve before a take away tea. In time I can assure you you will hurt less. Take care, flowers

StrangeLookingParasite Tue 12-Dec-17 07:24:55

Oh that is crap. And it sounds like you're a bit on your own too, with all the family stuff. Do try getting out of the house, though, even if it's just for a walk. You need the change of scene and exposure to daylight.
Hope you feel better soon. flowers

minmooch Tue 12-Dec-17 07:30:48

I'm going to be the voice of reason. It is NOT a bereavement at all. He has not died. You will both be here for Christmas, new year, next year etc. You will both make your way in life, separately or together.

If you are meant to be together then you will find your way back to each other - although if he has moved on already so easy then I would say his feelings may not have been as strong as yours. If that is the case the relationship would have come to an end at some point.

We all survive the ending of relationships. It's part of life, finding someone that you are compatible with enough to spend your life with is not so easy. But you can get up, go to work, plan a holiday, spend time with your ds, plan some exciting adventures for next year. This is just a new phase of your life.

Nobody died, but you did discover that you were not meant to be together. And that is sad. Lick your wounds, take time to re-evaluate your new road ahead and then get on it and see where it takes you.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 08:04:33

How do I know? Someone told me was in Match some months ago. I didn’ take it badly, I thought everybody has to find a way to go through a break up and I assumed that was his.

I have a good friendship with most of my exes so I didn’t want for us to loose contact forever even when I need to go no contact for sometime after the split so I sent him a message, saying that I hoped he was ok and that if he had not find a new person that it would be nice to have a catch up on the phone or over a cup of coffee.

This what he replied:
Hello Sarah I hope that you are well too.........When we split up the only way I could deal with this was to move on ,5 months later that is what I have done.......There will always be a place in my heart for you and if you need anything in the future I will do my best to help. All the best Paul (names changed, obviously)

I have sent him a text saying that I somebody told me months ago he was in Match and that I understood when I heard the news he was trying to move on, no hard feelings for that and that I wished him all the best in his new relationship. And that, as he knew, I was good friends with most of my exes but I understood he had different views on having those friendships but that if he ever needed a friend, I was here.

Interestingly, that’s all that I want, a friendship. I don’t know if I would want him back if he was available, as this would require quite a bit of change on both parts, but I miss all the companionship and homely feeling he provided in my life over the years we were together.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 08:09:40

And yes, I am thankfully not able to stay in bed as I have a busy job that hopefully will keep my mind out of the situation but I am dreading the days I need to stay at home when we close for Christmas.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 12:57:12

Sigh* morning survived, but I feel as if someone had kicked me on the sternum (!?!?)

Thank you for your kind messages, they are definitively helping.

aintnothinbutagstring Tue 12-Dec-17 13:13:56

Not everyone does the whole staying friends with everyone they've ever been out with, I don't and neither does my DH thankfully. I for one find it quite strange and certainly disrespectful to any new/potential partner as there will always, always be history and a conflict of interest there. You would be in denial to think otherwise, but I think some people always want to have a plan b (or c,d,e and f perhaps if you have a string of hangers-on). I know breakups hurt immensely but like a previous OP said, its nothing like a bereavement and respectfully I think you should allow him to move on.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 13:22:50

I don’t find it disrespectful as I respect my exes’ new lives and they respect mine. But I am keeping my distance as I know some people do.

I don’t expect he will reply to my last text. Neither would I contact him again unless he does.

Doingthebattybat Tue 12-Dec-17 13:24:00

It’s hard and it’s sad (particularly hard at this time of year) but it will get better. It’s ok to feel sad and it’s understandable too. I think we try so hard to fight natural feelings when sometimes just accepting they are normal might put us under less pressure iykwim.

Have you been through a bereavement? I know everyone is different but I don’t think they’re the same. That doesn’t mean that what you’re going through is easy though. You will move on in time. For now keep as busy as you can. Do things that make you happy , accept this Christmas may be hard and try focus on things you can do next year that you will enjoy. flowers

Doingthebattybat Tue 12-Dec-17 13:26:45

Forgot to say, if you are able via social media to find out what your ex is up to please block him so you can’t do that, it will be like torture and won’t help you feel any better at all.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 12-Dec-17 13:29:33

Yes, I have been through a bereavement, in fact, I have lost quite a lot of people over the last 5 years, last one just last August, hence my comparison of it. I may have chosen the wrong words, but they explain how hurt I feel.

It will pass, the trick is not getting depressed —in the long term—

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