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Today I feel like I'm failing as a Mum

(29 Posts)
BlueButTrue Mon 11-Dec-17 18:10:34

Things have been going so well for weeks and now I feel like I'm missing something, all of a sudden.

It's not that things aren't going well. It's more that they're going too well. I feel as if I'm not sacrificing enough, if that makes sense? Surely it can't be this easy? Am I being too laid back here?

DS is now 4 weeks old. I've never had a sleepless night. I've never felt sleep deprived. Everything is as it was prior to being pregnant, really. He's just slotted in.

I had awful antenatal depression and felt a huge grey cloud over me. I felt as if I'd made a huge mistake by having a baby and the constant 'just you wait' negativity from family/friends only made it worse.

But I've experienced none of those horrors.

DS sleeps from 11pm to 8am. Has from Day 1. He feeds like a dream. I've never had so much as a cracked nipple. I wasn't even going to breastfeed because I thought "fuck all that hardship", but here I am blush it's a piece of piss for us. If anything, making a bottle of formula sounds like a pain in the arse.

DS even takes to an expressed bottle like he's switching from nipple to nipple, which is super handy for me.

My house isn't a mess. I still shower twice a day and wear make up every day.

Despite all this, today it clicked that surely I'm doing something wrong? All these leaflets and booklets/books saying how hard it will be too, and to 'go easy' on yourself. To take each day as it comes. To see getting dressed as an achievement etc. I can't relate. So surely I'm not sacrificing enough?

Even the NHS books explain how BF will be a learning curve etc, and to try and persevere if you can. They say about sleep deprivation and trying to cope.

I just don't understand it and to me that's now saying that I'm not parenting hard enough.

Is there something I'm missing?

Sparklingbrook Mon 11-Dec-17 18:14:08

It's all going really well. Why does that mean you are failing. What do you want to sacrifice.

Enjoy it while you can because other stages you may find harder.

BlueButTrue Mon 11-Dec-17 18:17:03

Spark It seems there is a lot of emphasis on how insanely difficult the newborn stage is, and I see a lot of people really struggling.

First hand, not just on MN threads (of which are too, real life. No ones going to make up stories about not being able to shower/eat a slice of toast).

LapinR0se Mon 11-Dec-17 18:20:25

I was the same at newborn stage. I found 6 months hard with weaning and the baby being very alert and hard to settle to sleep. Then it was ok again til she started walking when it was exhausting watching her every move. So it’s swings and roundabouts, you might be lucky and never experience a tricky phase but for sure enjoy these calm and happy moments

Sparklingbrook Mon 11-Dec-17 18:20:48

I am not sure there's an emphasis. Some people struggle with the newborn stage some find it a breeze. It's what it is. My friend found it all very easy and couldn't understand the fuss. Then she had a second and it all became clear.

I have teens now and some of the stages inbetween newborn and this have been diabolical. I was led to believe parenting teens would be a nightmare. It has it's moments but I am doing ok.

Kraggle Mon 11-Dec-17 18:24:31

Enjoy it while it lasts! It means your very lucky so enjoy!

Dd2 was a dream newborn, napped for hours, slept mostly through the night, didn’t even clusterfeed like dd1 did. Now she’s 8 months old I get less sleep than I did when she was tiny.

InappropriateUsername Mon 11-Dec-17 18:26:23

I always found the newborn stage the easiest (mine had no colic, slept well enough, ate well etc) and I loved every minute of it, so much so the third is on the way. However, between newborn and 5 years old there have been the odd tough and a few dark times but only a few. I don't start threads or talk to people about how easy I find things but I do talk when things are going wrong as that's the time I need support. Perhaps there's no need for the you'll get on great info...although if you'd posted 'I'm scared of having kids cos of all negative info' that's when we'd come out to tell you it's often easy. You're doing well and enjoying it, don't overthink just enjoy xxx

user1474652148 Mon 11-Dec-17 18:27:15

You are not having a 'typical' experience lots/most newborns do cry throughout the night but not all. You have been lucky. That is why you can't relate to the books and advice.
All babies are different and you have a good sleeper, and if you feel rested and content that is fabulous. Enjoy it! I couldn't function with the exhaustion of being awake all night every night, and although I did shower every day I felt like a zombie with my first baby.
Second baby slept really well, but then she became a really really active toddler and has been ever since. My honest advice enjoy it whilst it lasts!!!

user1474652148 Mon 11-Dec-17 18:32:02

There were days I couldn't even brush my hair because I was too tired to care less, and just getting through the day was all I could do.
If you decide to have further dc you might then have the opportunity of seeing just how hard it can be with zero seep for months if not years of sleep and then those booklets will be invaluable smile

GreatDuckCookery Mon 11-Dec-17 18:34:18

Don’t overthink this. You’ve got everything running smoothly, your baby sleeps and feeds well. It’s all good smile

Enjoy it.

GreatDuckCookery Mon 11-Dec-17 18:35:16

Oh and I had really good babies too. Apart from the last one. He didn’t shut up crying for about 18 months.

EssentialHummus Mon 11-Dec-17 18:35:49

Just enjoy it! I have a three month old who now dodges naps; I miss her falling asleep on my chest. Different bits are better/worse for different parents and babies.

StorminaBcup Mon 11-Dec-17 18:39:32

It doesn’t sound like you had a particularly easy pregnancy so perhaps the usual challenges of adjusting to a new born aren’t as bad in comparison? Everyone is different and babies change all the time, it’s ok to be finding things easy.

AgainPlease Mon 11-Dec-17 18:39:51

I have been thinking this OP! Not had my DD yet (being induced next week) but in regards to pregnancy and what people say... “oh you’re going to get so fat”, “your body will change forever”, “you’ll have back/hip/muscle/joint aches”, “you’ll get stretch marks”, “your hands and feet will be swollen and you’ll have ‘kankles’”..

Nope. None of the above! I’ve put on a total of 9kg at full term, no stretch marks, super small bump etc., and now I’m thinking everything everyone told me about how HARD having a baby is may also be a bit dramatised. Not to say that some women don’t have nightmare pregnancies and difficulties in the newborn stage but it feels like this is supposed to happen to EVERY woman when obviously it doesn’t.

AnonEvent Mon 11-Dec-17 18:40:42

I felt exactly the same. DD was a breeze as a newborn, she slept she fed, she hardly cried, she smiled early, and I felt bad too, that I didn't find it as hard as my friends.

In fact at 14 months she's still very easy, there are hard days (and nights) when she's grumpy, or ill, or teething and oh my GOD the worry (she had a temp of 41' a week ago and had to go to hosp, I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest).

But all-in-all she's an easy baby, I realise I'm lucky, I realise there's very little DH or I have done to make this the case (though we're both optimists so maybe that helps in our perception of difficult days).

I too sometimes feel like I'm not suffering enough, and I'm dead sure not to mention to friends and other parents ho much of a doddle DD is.

NB: in braced for her to be a complete asshole teenager.

RedRobin87 Mon 11-Dec-17 18:41:16

We have quite an "easy" baby. She is now seven months, she slept through the night from about six weeks and before that she only woke once or twice a night. The first two weeks were the hardest but I think that was more us adjusting to having a baby!

She rarely cries and is always smiling.

She is our first and everyone told us how hard it would be, so like you I sometimes think - should it be like this?

I consider us to be lucky, but also very aware it could change as she gets older.

Sparklingbrook Mon 11-Dec-17 18:42:56

I think if you prepare for the worst and it doesn't happen then that's great.

Everybody told me BF would be a doddle. I believed them. It wasn't for me, I wish someone had told me the truth so it works both ways.

InionEile Mon 11-Dec-17 18:46:19

Just the luck of the draw really! All experiences across the spectrum from horrendous to messy and all the way through to everything’s a breeze are normal. People go on about what a nightmare newborns can be because the worst case scenario can happen and it’s good to be prepared.

I felt similar to you when I had my first. I got dressed every day, we cooked great meals, my house was presentable, I felt good, no hellish struggle that everyone said it would be. I think my MIL was quite disappointed at how well I coped grin

It was the toddler phase that hit me like a brick. No-one warned me how exhausting and awful it would be, far worse than the baby stage. It made it worse that no-one had warned me about it. DS had been a relatively easy baby so having him turn into a hellion toddler was a shock. I also found the toddler / baby combination stage incredibly tough, when my DS was 3 and I had baby DD. It goes in phases and you will struggle sometimes and breeze through other times.

PeanutButterIsEverything Mon 11-Dec-17 18:52:07

In a way it's a bit of a shame that you can't really publicise how easy you are finding this all, not only because the ones with refluxy colicky babies who scream the second they are put down will want to choke you with the little remaining energy they have, but that at some point, you will almost certainly experience sleep problems with your little one and there those tired parents will be, gleefully laughing at you, especially if their children have started to sleep through.

Best keep schtum until they're 18, then you can brag about how easy it all was. Oh wait no because then they may go off the rails and drop out of uni and then those parents whose kids are straight A students will gloat...

Seriously OP, I had a very difficult time in the first year of DSs life (he was refluxy and woke frequently, breastfeeding was hard for all sorts of reasons), and if I'd have read your post 2 years ago I would have cried. Now I'm far enough away from that time to be able to look back and wonder how I survived. Don't worry that you're not struggling, just be very very grateful and enjoy the extra energy, savour those 8am starts as they may end at any moment.

PeanutButterIsEverything Mon 11-Dec-17 18:53:19

Damn Android app putting that all into one paragraph!

JediStoleMyBike Mon 11-Dec-17 18:54:05

I find it's easier to live in the moment with parenting. So much changes week by week, month by month and you don't know where you'll be soon. Just enjoy what you have 🙂

ineedwine99 Mon 11-Dec-17 18:56:58

Hi OP, try not to stress, i was lucky too and had an easy baby, some are. Hope your depression has passed and your enjoying your baby.

deptfordgirl Mon 11-Dec-17 19:07:52

My toddler still doesn't sleep through the night and was waking hourly until he was 6 months so obviously it was a lot harder for me than you. Doesn't mean you're failing just means you've been very lucky. Feel glad and enjoy it! I also found breastfeeding very easy but I know its not for all.

Mrscog Mon 11-Dec-17 19:11:38

It was the toddler phase that hit me like a brick. No-one warned me how exhausting and awful it would be, far worse than the baby stage. It made it worse that no-one had warned me about it. DS had been a relatively easy baby so having him turn into a hellion toddler was a shock.

THIS. I had 2 very easy babies, then somewhere between 1 and 1.5 they turned into monsters. I felt so alone as all my friends felt like it was getting easier/they were more interesting etc. Both my DS’s were hard hard work from 18 months until 3.5 (DS2 still not 3). Every nappy was a battle, every morning routine, every evening routine, they had to be pinned by my entire body weight to get them into a car seat. They were NEVER interested in activities others were so we’d go to a group and they would be the ones fascinated with the fire extinguisher, or screaming the place down because they wanted another biscuit, or escaping, or biting, or hitting, or taking their nappies off to throw poo everywhere.

I felt SO alone! No advice worked and people just watched with horror! And the number of people who said ‘just tell them no and they’ll listen!’ Did they fuck? It took 2 solid years of consistent no for DS1 to get it!!!!

So my message is, enjoy every and I mean EVERY minute of the easy stage in case he changes! (He may not fingers crossed!!).

The story does have a happy ending - DS1 who is now nearly 6 turned into the most gorgeous, lovely chap at about 4. DS2 is rising 3 and I’m seeing glimmersof hope!!!

DollyLlama Mon 11-Dec-17 19:11:52

My DS is 5 weeks old and although we have our moments, he has totally slotted into our lives.

Yes we have feeds at 11pm, 2am and up at 5am but my partner helps a huge amount.

He feeds well, loves sleep and you only hear from him if he’s hungry normally ignoring the fact I just spent an hour trying to get wind up from him.

You’re just very lucky! My DD was a total nightmare and was constantly being sick, never settled and you couldn’t so much as cough near her without waking her. My DS will sleep through anything!

My DD is nearly 3 now and is still incredibly difficult! Although hard, this stage is great fun.

You are doing nothing wrong, you’re just fortunate. Enjoy the fact you’ve held on to so much as babies change so regularly, things may get more difficult when he’s on the move.

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