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Give DH detailed instructions or not?

(57 Posts)
TangledInTinsel Mon 11-Dec-17 12:01:04

DH and I agreed I should take on some temporary work. He agreed that once a week he would take the DC to school (thus being late for his work by 15 minutes, which others in his office are daily because of school run. He's usually there early and has some overtime stacked up.) so I could get to the office at a reasonable time. I don't have fixed hours, can work when I want.

Once I started work this never happened. Tomorrow I have a conference and I have to get the earlier train or I cannot get there before it starts. I put it in the joint diary 2 months ago and spoke to him about it. He agreed he would take them to school on this day.

He has never got them ready for school (I've been a SAHM until now) or to go out anywhere really. He's had to twice, once when I had DD and DS ended up in A&E and once when I was in hospital, when they turned up in the scruffiest combination (talking jogging bottoms with holes in!) because he sent them to get ready themselves.

Do I call and remind him?
Do I spell out for him tonight what the DC need for school tomorrow?
Do I write it down?
Do I let him flounder?
Let him flounder, point him to a list and risk him being offended that I thought he wouldn't manage?
The weather is awful here so I can't risk DC going in the wrong clothes or they will suffer.
I don't even think he knows what time they have to leave to get to school on time!

treaclesoda Mon 11-Dec-17 12:03:32

I'd leave him to it. If he is an adult who can get himself dressed and out the door in the morning then he is perfectly capable of getting children dressed and out the door too. If he is any sort of a decent human being he won't let his children suffer (eg sending them out with no coat on in zub zero weather) just to make a point.

Seeline Mon 11-Dec-17 12:06:14

How old are the DCs - ie would they be able to tell him what is needed etc?

If not I would leave a basic checklist for him - what clothes/spare clothes, packed lunch, shoes/wellies, bookbag etc.

Duckstar Mon 11-Dec-17 12:06:49

Although you shouldn’t have to, I would call today and remind, you don’t want him turning round denying all knowledge.

I would get everything ready for the morning, lay out uniforms. Explain what time he needs to be out door.

You shouldn’t have to, but if you don’t will probably cause far more problems.

Kit1411 Mon 11-Dec-17 12:07:07

I’d spell it out to him tonight, just remind him what they need, maybe lay the clothes out so he can’t get that wrong, and remind him what time to leave etc, even though as they’re his children too he should really know, by just so there’s no confusion. If there is then least you can say I told you the night before.

StillCalendula Mon 11-Dec-17 12:08:23

Just pack the DC's bags and put their clothes out the night before. No point in making a big thing out of it unless you have some kind of axe you need to grind. DC and DH will work out the rest.

Nightfall1983 Mon 11-Dec-17 12:09:01

Your children are school age - what do they need help with? DS1 started reception in September and needed some guidance at the beginning but it’s now December and he knows where his uniform is and obviously dresses himself, he knows what he needs to take with him and knows what time we leave to get to school (8am). He can tog himself up in warm gear but will ask how cold it is/whether he needs a big coat etc, ask me to pass him hat/scarf/gloves if they are somewhere he can’t reach. DH has done the school run twice but I haven’t felt the need to leave instructions.

If your children (or your DH) have additional needs then thats a massive drip feed different but should taking your own children to school really be a big deal??!

NerrSnerr Mon 11-Dec-17 12:12:42

He’s only got them ready to go out anywhere twice? Even if you was a SAHM how on Earth have you managed that with school aged children? I really can’t see what needs to be written down, the children would just get dressed into what they usually do for school. Maybe remind him to remind them about PE kit, cooking stuff or homework?

acornsandnuts Mon 11-Dec-17 12:13:06

Can you just ask him if he needs to know anything about tomorrow? Thus prompting him without him thinking you don’t think he has a clue.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Mon 11-Dec-17 12:19:08


What a pathetic man if he cant get himself and two kids together.

This is why women end up shouldering all the shit work, why should the op sort basic stuff out for a grown adult who is capable of holding down a job.

If he fucks up, you point out that you have to do it every bloody day, and he must have some serious issues as a grown human to be incapable of doing those exact same tasks for one fucking day.

I hate this facilitation of men to get away with not doing anything or pulling their weight properly.

I hate the attitude of "Poor menz can't think like we can" <knowing wink>

They fucking can, but can't be bothered, because they know that you'll worry about what the kids are wearing/eating/doing and do it for them in the end.

drspouse Mon 11-Dec-17 12:21:41

Do you usually lay out uniforms? Make lunches? Pack bags?
Ask him if he wants help with this if you usually do it the night before.
If you usually leave it to the DCs, and they usually remember, maybe say to everyone together "remember Daddy's taking you tomorrow and I know you'll be organised like you normally are".
If you usually do everything yourself, in the morning, I'd remind them anyway - if they are like my DCs then a change in routine can unsettle them (e.g. DH often takes DS to school but this morning he went to breakfast club and DH almost never takes him to that).

TangledInTinsel Mon 11-Dec-17 12:21:44

DS will need to take PE kit. It's raining and snow everywhere today so youngest will need either rain or snow gear depending on weather tomorrow. Snack & water. Have to force DS to wear suitable clothes i.e. hat scarf and gloves. It's a fight to get him out the house. I don't think DH has a clue.

I don't want to offend him (by over-explaining) but neither do I want to annoy him so much (by not explaining) that he would refuse to do it again if I needed him to for some reason.

HermioneIsMe Mon 11-Dec-17 12:22:52

I would remind him that he is doing the school run tomorrow.
But in a passing way this evening. I wthink ildnt go out of my way about it.
I would NOT help him about anything else.

He is an independant grown up adult who is also a father. Not an incapable child.
He needs to get on with it.

lynmilne65 Mon 11-Dec-17 12:22:58

agree sealine!

drspouse Mon 11-Dec-17 12:24:09

if I needed him to
But he's not doing it for you. He's doing it for them. It's not a favour to you, it's part of caring for them.

TangledInTinsel Mon 11-Dec-17 12:24:28

DS usually gets himself dressed, I send him back if it's not suitable. DD sometimes will ask someone to get clothes out and dress her, sometimes do it herself. They don't have uniform. I make them do bags, but need to stand over them telling them what to pack. Make sure they have sports kit etc. what to wear to go out, but they generally need telling what to wear. Scarves. Coats etc

drspouse Mon 11-Dec-17 12:27:00

In that case, the appropriate phrase is "Daddy's taking you to school tomorrow, remember, so he'll help you with bags/clothes instead of me" uttered in his presence. That's his cue to say "anything I might have forgotten?"

HermioneIsMe Mon 11-Dec-17 12:27:10

neither do I want to annoy him so much (by not explaining) that he would refuse to do it again if I needed him to for some reason.

Pardon me.
Because you would be the one responsible if he fucks up? Because he doesn’t even know how to take his dcs to school in the am?
If he was ever trying that one on, I think I would remind him that I believe he is a very capable man and I Didnt want to insult him by assuming he was capable or stupid. Or not such a good father to not to be able to take his dcs to school in the right gear for the weather.
PE kit, I would remind him if the child isn't taking it with them everyday.

Seriously, he has no leg to stand on and should not be annoyed/angry because he is struggling. IF he is struggling it’s because he has CHOSEN to take a backseat as a father and has no clue about how t look after his own dcs.

HermioneIsMe Mon 11-Dec-17 12:28:37

And YY he is NOT doing you a favour by supporting you in getting your job done.

PurplePillowCase Mon 11-Dec-17 12:31:43

leave it up to dh.
he is a capable adult, holding down a job. getting dc to school should be a doddle for him.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Mon 11-Dec-17 12:32:06

I don't want to offend him (by over-explaining) but neither do I want to annoy him so much (by not explaining) that he would refuse to do it again if I needed him to for some reason

WEll for a start he's a prize twat if he'd refuse to PARENT HIS OWN CHILDREN.

Second, what grown human can't work out for themselves what the DCs will need??

He's not doing you a favour, this is stuff he should be just doing as a parent.
These are things he should know ffs.

This is basic equal parenting 101, and he is a total shitbag if he refuses to parent his own children. (not "looking after" or "babysitting" hmm)

How do these men think the mothers do it?
Do they think as soon as we give birth a manual downloads to our brains??

WE have to work it out, so they can too.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Mon 11-Dec-17 12:37:45

I think now is the time to establish new routines and boundaries OP.

He should have done this loads before now, but he needs to step the fuck up.

You have facilitated his career by shouldering all the child stuff, and presumably also his social life seeing as he has never got the kids ready.

Does he ever actually "parent" them??

Bathe them, cook dinner for them, read them books, dotheir homework with them?

He needs to start now.

He should be getting them to school every week, he should be taking them out, he should be doing some of the thinking, the drudgery.

If he doesn't you have bigger problems than whether or not he needs help getting them ready for school.

ImAMarshmellow Mon 11-Dec-17 12:39:41

Something along the lines of 'don't forget your doing the school run tomorrow (maybe call/text him so he can remind his boss he will be 15 mins late)', then this evening 'ds will keep his p.e kit and packed lunches need/have been done and are in the fridge. Anything you need me to go through?'. Then mention to the kids that daddy will be taking them to school and do they want to get their clothes out tonight for tomorrow?

If a grown man can't dress x2 children suitably for the winter weather he needs to sort his act out.

deepestdarkestperu Mon 11-Dec-17 12:42:07

How on earth is this kind of pathetic behaviour attractive in a partner?

He's a grown adult with a job. I'm pretty sure he knows that when it's cold and wet, children need warm, waterproof clothing. The reason he acts (and it is an act) totally incompetent is because he knows you'll take over next time, and he can carry on being completely useless.

Why are you married to a man who is so completely useless when it comes to raising his own children? Genuine question.

RebornSlippy Mon 11-Dec-17 12:42:55

For all shouting 'don't help him' remember it's the kids who are going to suffer.

It's a joke your OH can't be trusted to carry out this simple ask, OP. That needs to be addressed toot sweet now you're working.

Setting him up to fail at the expense of the kids, however, is not the way. Offer help tonight. Make sure he knows what he's doing. Remind him, he'll be doing it more often so he needs to know what he's at going forward.

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