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Funeral or Surgery, WWYD ?? DD Not Happy

(332 Posts)
RockinHippy Wed 06-Dec-17 09:14:31

Sort of AIBU, but I can't face that this morning so posting here instead.

DD is due surgery on her wrist, it's been a ridiculously long wait, despite her other conditions that GP wrote affect it badly. We finally saw consultant a couple of weeks ago & told we would hear in the next couple of months about a pre op appointment. I received a call yesterday offering a cancellation for surgery next week. They gave me until today to chat to DD & double check it doesn't clash with anything else. I'm kicking myself for asking DD first that she was okay with this before I double checked any clashing dates

Problem is, our close friend died unexpectedly last week & we are part of the support network for her DH, bar family, probably the closest as we live nearby too. Plus this was a good friend to us all, DD has grown up seeing them socially every week, so this really isn't a funeral I feel I can miss. Her DH was here to eat with us last night & turns out funeral is now pencilled in for the same day as the surgery date😩

DD (15) Just doesn't get that at all & is really angry that I would even think about putting a funeral over her need for surgery. I tried explaining that I'm also concerned that DDs general health isn't great as she still barely eats since back to back viruses & a nasty sinus infection that wouldn't go, so possibly not the best time for surgery anyway as this could slow down her recovery --and I'm very anxious about this surgery for some reason I don't understand D--D is having none of this of course.

DD shouted that nobody likes going to funerals, so why would I expect her to go & why the hell would I chose a funeral over accompanying her to surgery that she needs ASAP as it's causing her problems

I have a decision to make today as the hospital will be calling later, I thought I'd already made it as this was an unexpected offer of surgery, not a pre booked appointment & we've just lost a good friend & need to pay our respects & support each other & good friend DH left behind. So for once in my life I am putting something I need over DD. But I now feel torn between feeling like absolute shit that I'm letting DD down when she does need this surgery ASAP as it's unsightly & painful for her & feeling like absolute crap for potentially missing good friends funeral.

I'm also concerned that DDs reaction to friends death & funeral seems to be very much sticking her head in a hole & pretending it's not happening. She angrily refused my mentioning it to her form teacher as "I don't want to have them trying to talk to me about it, it has nothing to do with school"

WWYD, Surgery or friends funeral?? --what a bloody choice that is--sad

scurryfunge Wed 06-Dec-17 09:18:14

Ask a relative to accompany her to hospital.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Wed 06-Dec-17 09:21:57

As a mother you should absolutely put your dd first. Yes it’s sad your friend has passed but it’s a funeral. She won’t know. You can visit the grave etc.

This is your child. She needs surgery. Her reaction is fair-her mother is putting a friends funeral above her own daughters medical needs. She must feel so unimportant.

You are behaving appallingly.

titchy Wed 06-Dec-17 09:24:02

Agree - your child comes first regardless. No wonder she's angry.... Can't believe this is even a dilemma tbh hmm

Thebookswereherfriends Wed 06-Dec-17 09:24:23

She's 15, she doesn't have a lot of empathy yet. You would regret not going to such an important funeral. I would see if there was a relative who could accompany your dd to hospital and explain that the funeral is very important, but so is the op. She can either delay the op and have you with her or have the app. Offered and you'll see her I the hospital asap

Sirzy Wed 06-Dec-17 09:25:44


You can do something else at a later date to remember your friend but her suffering has to come above everything else.

PestoSwimissimos Wed 06-Dec-17 09:26:38

Your DD’s surgery has to take priority. Could you & your DH not sort something out between you, so that you could either attend the funeral or the wake, whilst he is there for DD?

SandyDenny Wed 06-Dec-17 09:26:53

I'd try to get someone else to take her to the surgery.

How would the timings for the day work out, maybe there's a way to do both, are the 2 things near each other

Sorry for your loss

Fabellini Wed 06-Dec-17 09:26:55

ItsLikeRain I don't think OP is the appalling one here.
She's already explained that she and her dh are trying to be there to support her friends grieving dh - who is also a close friend of the family.
Dd is 15, old enough to understand that her mum can be feeling upset and unsure about the best way to proceed.

MsJolly Wed 06-Dec-17 09:26:56

Your DD comes first-she has a problem that needs rectifying-she's been waiting ages and if you don't take this then you will have to wait longer.
Yes your friend died, but as sad as that is, your DD needs you more.

NickMyLipple Wed 06-Dec-17 09:27:09

It's a cancellation - she will remain on the waiting list regardless, so in your circumstances I would either say no to the hospital and tell DD that the slot was no longer available or I would ask grandparents/relative to attend with her so you can pay your respects to your friend.

CuriousaboutSamphire Wed 06-Dec-17 09:27:18

You've chosen the wrong time to put your own needs over hers.

Your DD is in pain, physically and now emotionally.

You can easily make other arrangements for the funeral, you can go later to pay your respects. I am sure your friend's DH will understand why you have to miss the funeral itself.

I'm very anxious about this surgery for some reason I don't understand Have a second think on that bit! Your DD is in pain, has a date to get that fixed and you are prevaricating... why?

Eeeeek2 Wed 06-Dec-17 09:27:41

Surgery tell the friend you’re very sorry to miss the funeral but if they know your daughter they know how it’s affecting her and will understand.

CarrotVan Wed 06-Dec-17 09:27:53

Take the surgery. Do a memorial activity with the bereaved family another day

formerbabe Wed 06-Dec-17 09:28:26

I think you need to go with surgery.

RockinHippy Wed 06-Dec-17 09:28:57

Can't believe this is even a dilemma tbh 

It's a dilemma because the surgery happening next week came completely out of the blue & only yesterday evening on a week when we are all reeling from the unexpected death of a close friend & supporting her DH & DS. I am also concerned at how frail DD is right now & she is a higher risk for surgery because of her medical problems & I'm frantically trying to build her up ready for when we did expect the surgery & tbh fighting a losing battle as she just won't eat.

pinkyredrose Wed 06-Dec-17 09:29:07

Can you go to the funeral and someone else take her to hospital?

MrsEricBana Wed 06-Dec-17 09:29:25

I am very sorry about your friend but absolutely your daughter comes first here.

specialsubject Wed 06-Dec-17 09:29:48

Friend is dead . daughter is alive and in pain. Sorry, but no choice. Get daughter treatment over a ceremony.

SweetBabyJebus Wed 06-Dec-17 09:30:05

I think i agree with your daughter i'm afraid. If you feel you absolutely have to be at the funeral, can her father or another close relative bring her for the surgery? She is in pain. That would trump all for me. And thinking about it, if it were me and my closest friend, they wouldn't want me to attend their funerals if my child's needs were greater. They'd understand. And so would I vice versa, iyswim.
It's a very tough one, and i really feel for you in this difficult position, but for me, my daughter would come first.

HermioneIsMe Wed 06-Dec-17 09:30:51

Suregery first sorry.
But I would do my best to find of someone else to be with her during the time of the funeral (so you have any family around that could help, a friend etc...).

I would also have a look at times. The funeral itself won’t last all day. You could go there and then go and see your dd.
Depending in who was the closest to the friend family, you or your DH stays there as the other goes to the hosp with your dd etc...

RockinHippy Wed 06-Dec-17 09:30:54

I should have said, no relatives here to help & other close friends will be at the funeral too, or will be working. So its me or nothing. DH is very much friends DHs main crutch atm, so he can't either

MrsMotherHen Wed 06-Dec-17 09:30:56

Your child should come first 110%

VimFuego101 Wed 06-Dec-17 09:31:06

Knowing the state of NHS waiting lists I think you have to prioritize the surgery. You don't know how much longer you'll have to wait if you decline this slot. Do you have a husband/partner/ grandparent who can take your daughter? (You'll need to check that they can sign the permission forms).

tampinfuminragin Wed 06-Dec-17 09:31:35

Your child needs surgery. It's not like your dd has a routine drs/dental appointment, it's surgery.

Have a relative take her or you drop her off yourself. Your daughter cannot miss her surgery.

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