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How do you deal with flakey friends?

(41 Posts)
CeeBeeBee Fri 24-Nov-17 19:00:58

Or those who take you for granted? I have a friend who is otherwise good company and lovely to talk to when I see her, but I have been let down on several occasions where I've tried to plan ahead through text and she replies "I'll let me know." The last couple of times, she has forgotten to let me know and once even arranged to meet another friend! I try to give her the benefit of the doubt but part of me wonders whether she's hoping to find something better before settling with me as the second option.
Saw her a couple of weeks ago and agreed to meet to tomorrow, I tried to suggest a couple of places to meet but again, she said "I'll let you know". She hasn't texted today so chances are, she's forgotten again. Luckily, there wasn't anything else I was planning to do other than go to the supermarket and the house chores while dh and dd are away.

I need to find a way to tell her that she needs to commit or I'll take "I'll let you know" as a non committal answer.

Thanks for reading!

mumonashoestring Fri 24-Nov-17 19:04:10

I have one a bit like this - now I only suggest meeting up when/where it's completely convenient for me e.g. coffee in town if I'm going shopping anyway, a couple of drinks after work if I'm quite happy to take myself off to Starbucks with a book instead if she doesn't turn up, meeting for lunch on a weekday if I was planning to go out for lunch anyway...

CeeBeeBee Fri 24-Nov-17 19:09:45

Yes, thanks mumonashoestring.

That is the approach I had with meeting tomorrow. I don't think I'll suggest meeting far in advance to her anymore as it doesn't seem to work with us.

CakeNinja Fri 24-Nov-17 19:10:55

I have literally cut out the flakes from my life. Sounds dismissive and like I think I'm more important than them which is completely untrue.
The truth is, were all juggling life. Work, relationships, kids, family, friends etc, I cba dealing with flakey people added to the rest of it.

expatinscotland Fri 24-Nov-17 19:15:36

Stop making plans with her. Seriously. Just keep the relationship on WhatsApp/FB, whatever. She doesn't value meeting up with you. Personally, I cut flakes out of my life, too.

yelpforhelp Fri 24-Nov-17 19:21:44

I had a friend like this. Made me feel totally shit and unappreciated. I’ve just cut her out of my life, I feel really sad about it but bloody relieved that I’m not being made to feel so unimportant. flowers it sucks

CeeBeeBee Fri 24-Nov-17 19:23:41

Expat. I have already said in my post that I won't be making plans in future but thanks. She's a very last minute person and I'm not!

00100001 Fri 24-Nov-17 19:24:01

Just stop asking to meet up where.

Much easier.

00100001 Fri 24-Nov-17 19:25:33

Or just invite her along at the last minute.

"just popping into town, fancy meeting for a cuppa at Joe's Cafe? I'll be free there at 3ish"

PanGalaticGargleBlaster Fri 24-Nov-17 19:27:55

I cleared most flakey friends out of my life in the great address book purge of 2013. As a consequence my life seems so much more easy!

elQuintoConyo Fri 24-Nov-17 19:28:08

Flakey friends - pick them off likes scabs. But don't eat them grin

oldestmumaintheworld Fri 24-Nov-17 19:28:33

People like this are not fit to be friends with anyone. They are self-absorbed and selfish. DO not bother with this person any more and concentrate on those friends who are worthy or your time and trouble.

CeeBeeBee Fri 24-Nov-17 19:31:12

Yes, 00100001, that is basically what she does.

hidinginthenightgarden Fri 24-Nov-17 19:37:13

If she is a really good friend then follow her lead and be last minute. If not just get rid. Life is too busy for waiting around for people.

BertramTheWalrus Fri 24-Nov-17 19:38:05

I have been in this situation a couple of times. I used to run after these flakey friends, continually suggesting we meet. I got sick of it last year and decided to stop contacting them. All but one disappeared and I am no longer friends with them.
It didn't make me a sad as I thought it would - I was trying to be friends with people who weren't genuinely interested. It was bad for my self esteem and I was continually feeling disappointed.
The only flakey friend I am still friends with has improved a lot - she realised it was me keeping our friendship alive when we didn't speak for two months because I had stopped calling. There was no ill feeling, but we now see each other more often than before and I know that she is genuinely interested in me as a friend.

ArgyMargy Fri 24-Nov-17 19:40:49

Chill out. And there is no e in flaky.

BobbinThreadbare123 Fri 24-Nov-17 19:46:03

Yeah I just cut them off too. I have ASD so this kind of behaviour really confused me for years until someone explained it was rude and kind of mean. So now I don't bother with them. We all have stuff going on in our lives and if someone can't do half an hour for a brew now and then they aren't worth it and don't think you are.

busyboysmum Fri 24-Nov-17 19:49:25

My life is way too busy for me to even be bothered with flaky friends. They get a three strikes and you're out policy from me unless there is a very good reason. I wouldn't completely cut them from my life after that I just wouldn't meet up with them on their own. I would always make sure that I was meeting with a group of friends so it didn't matter if they turned up or not.

CeeBeeBee Fri 24-Nov-17 19:49:59

Chill out. says the pedant! 😉

CeeBeeBee Fri 24-Nov-17 19:52:11

Anyway, thanks everyone for your input.

RuncibleSp00n Fri 24-Nov-17 20:09:49

I’m going to go against the grain here and propose that she’s maybe just not that into you. Maybe she hasn’t ever really has been, but probably hasn’t felt able to tell you and so has gone along (upto a point) with your suggestions to meet-up but now finds it all a bit too much commitment. I can really see things from your friend’s perspective and I encourage you to think about this from the othe person’s perspective...

I’m a people-pleaser, and because I’m very open and friendly I get myself into similar scenarios to your friend. Some acquaintances I’m friendly with seem to think we’re much closer and push for more face-to-face contact than I’m comfortable with or than I have the time for. I don’t want to hurt my friends’ feelings so I end up fudging the issue and ducking-out of scenarios which have been foisted on me.

Maybe this isn’t the case with you and your friend, but it could well be. Just because one half of a relationship wants a certain level of commitment/frequency, it doesn’t mean they have an entitlement to that, and the other half of the relationship can find it hard to openly say ‘no’.

CeeBeeBee Fri 24-Nov-17 20:22:17

Runic le, I think I'm the people pleaser here but thank you for your comment. She does text me to meet up but it's usually the day before or on the day itself and often when it suits her. This is why I'm not going to ask her to meet in advance anymore because we work differently. I have never insisted that we meet up if she was unavailable, in fact the last couple of times have been when she's called me an the day and I'm not available so I suggest a future date, which I reckon, for her is too far in advance.

CeeBeeBee Fri 24-Nov-17 20:26:35

In fact, wete meeting tomorrow because she tried to meet up with me, at the start of the month and I was unavailable then and told her that tomorrow was the earliest Saturday I'm free. I'm certainly not a pushy person but do wish people would give me more than half a day's notice rather than dropping me at the last minute.

Shinynew50p Fri 24-Nov-17 20:45:54

I have some flakey friends. I no longer arrange to meet with them. If they text me fine, that's all good, but I no longer make use the time or energy to message them!

RedBlackberries Fri 24-Nov-17 20:48:39

I like having flakey friends because I can be equally as flaky. It's a miracle we actually get to meeting up sometimes.

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