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Anxiety and visitors how do you cope with it

(14 Posts)
Haribogirl Thu 23-Nov-17 15:49:23

I suffer from anxiety, have done for many years.
The thing is I get really anxious and panicking when someone says there calling round to our house.
I’m not to bad if I do the visiting, A’s then I can go when I can’t deal with it
But when family come to mine I go all funny and fill with anxiety

Just now Partner was texting with his niece(which he hardly ever sees)
Only just started contacting as his dad/her granddad died. The last text was 2 weeks ago, then out of the blue today.
She ask could she calll on Saturday, and straight away I got the panic feeling and dreading it.
My family completely understand my problem and are happy to see me at there’s.
He’s just turned round now and said
I’ll tell her your not good with visitors calling
He is very much similar to (no anxiety ) likes his own space.
I’ve told him , don’t just blame it on me,! Your just as bad me

I’m really angry with him right now.
How does it work with you??

MickeyLuv Thu 23-Nov-17 16:09:20

Why are you angry with him, for inviting her round to your house? It's his niece, not a stranger, surely family can come and visit?

As long as visitors let m,e know that they are coming and don't turn up unannounced then I don't really mind. I hate people who just turn up on the off chance that I'm in.

What is it that makes you anxious? If you want to put a time limit on it to make sure that people leave then you could always say 'You'll have to leave at xx:xx, we need to go out at xx:xx'.

DB22 Thu 23-Nov-17 16:13:26

Do you really never have anyone come to your house? What is it you worry about happening exactly?

You say your family is always happy to host. Do you not feel that you should reciprocate?

Haribogirl Thu 23-Nov-17 19:27:10

Sorry, but you obviously don’t suffer from anxiety/panic attacks.

I was angry when he mentioned it because in the last 18 years of me knowing him he’s probably only seen her at the most 10/15 times.
Yes she’s his niece, but they have never been close. It could be years before they come into contact.
I don’t know what makes me anxious, if I knew that I could try and do something about it. The panic just happens and the bodily sensations I get are frightening and I go pale and clam up because sensations are so strong I can’t concentrate.

I don’t put pressure on myself to reciprocate and my family would never expect me to as they fully understand my problem

Thought I might get somebody who understands anxietybpanic

skippybobobo Thu 23-Nov-17 19:35:42

Then go out when she's round

silkpyjamasallday Thu 23-Nov-17 19:36:20

Hi OP, I have suffered from anxiety, and similarly to you people coming to our house stresses me out quite badly. However, I do manage by making sure I am well prepared for when we have guests, I do still feel anxious but less so because I have sorted everything I want to before they arrive, and know when they will be leaving. What is it about guests that makes you anxious? What can you do to combat it?

I don't think it's right to be annoyed at you DP, I don't think he is 'blaming' you out of malice, but if his niece has asked to come over because they have both suffered a recent bereavement and the only reason this can't happen is because you object, he is obviously going to give her the real reason which is that you don't like guests, as he doesn't object in this case even if he isn't keen on guests either. He is being accommodating of your needs by offering to tell her why it would be best to meet elsewhere. It does look quite inhospitable to refuse to see her especially at such an emotive time for them both. Could you not go out when she comes over? Or as a pp said make sure you have plans so she can only stay within a set time period?

Wolfiefan Thu 23-Nov-17 19:37:28

What treatment are you having for your anxiety?

LoniceraJaponica Thu 23-Nov-17 19:42:36

I think you are right that people don't understand. I suspect that it is because having a visitor who is a relative is such a commonplace occurrence that most of us wouldn't understand what there is to get anxious about.

Speaking to strangers on the phone, getting public transport, ordering food are all understandable, but being at home, which is a safe place for you is less easy for people to get their heads around.

What are you doing to deal with your anxiety - CBT, counselling, medication?

You have my sympathy because DD has anxiety, but it is being addressed and she is better than she was.

DB22 Thu 23-Nov-17 20:16:52

But avoiding visitors hasn't helped, so maybe you need to just go for it. It's got to be better than living life scared of everyday events, never reciprocating peoples generosity and controlling who your partner can have over. confused It's just not a way to live.

Haribogirl Thu 23-Nov-17 22:46:38

I suspect I’ve put this in the wrong place, maybe mh May of been a better place.
I’ve had cbt didn’t work for me
Medication yes I take medication but it’s not a cure

Do you think I like living like this, who would. If it was that easy I’d be doing it without a shadow of a doubt.
For somebody who hasn’t got extreme anxiety/panic it seems easy, almost unbelievable to not be able to sit in your home with people.
I’ve been under secondary mh care, and currently having a battle trying to get back into it again.
Waiting list for help is 12 mths!!
There I no immediate access in mh, so I have just found out unless you are suicidal or psychotic.

Wolfiefan Thu 23-Nov-17 23:17:53

Oh God no. Nobody likes this. I have anxiety and depression and it is shit!
And actually I don't like having people in my house either. blush
In my area you can self refer or GP can refer to something called let's talk. (I think that's right.) they can also (weirdly) prescribe reading! I also had to adjust my meds. Was ok. Then I wasn't. Sometimes it takes ages to mess about with the choice of or dose.
Good luck OP.

LadyDeLaFuente Fri 24-Nov-17 00:10:38

OP, don't worry about PPs who find it difficult to understand.

Be practical: either go out when she's round or suggest meeting all together at a local cafe. Don't ever feel forced into it - it's your sanctuary house and you don't have to let anyone in if you feel anxious so just make alternative arrangements if that makes you feel calmer.

Your anxiety has made you lash out at your OH but you're lucky that, deep down, he seems to really understand your anxiety despite this slip up. flowers

TalkinBoutWhat Fri 24-Nov-17 09:16:47

Haribo, perhaps if you try to work out a way of making visitors less stressful. Perhaps have a 'visitor' snack selection which is pre-planned and some meals which you have pre-planned, simple ones which are easy to do. The 'not knowing what to do' sometimes freezes the brain, and stops you thinking your way through things calmly.

Also, have an area of your house where visitors go, that is 'visitor ready', but have your sanctuary elsewhere, that visitors won't go into. So you know that there is a space in your home that will always be yours, and you can retreat to if you need to.

Would that help in any way?

DistractedByIrrelevance Fri 24-Nov-17 09:27:42

I suffer from anxiety too, so I do know where you are coming from. However I don’t think it is fair to blame your husband or niece for wanting to see each other even if they have not been close before. They have both suffered a bereavement and this can bring people closer together.

Talk to your husband, ask him to tell your niece whatever will make you more comfortable. If that’s being honest about your anxiety great, but if not ask him to explain in a way that is ok. Maybe suggest they meet somewhere else this time, or you can go out so you don’t have to get anxious about it (I would be fine if I wasn’t there but you may not). The thing I have found most helpful is being open about my own anxiety and DP doesn’t always understand but he does always try to help.

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