Advanced search

Threads in this topic are removed 90 days after the thread was started.

How can I build DDs confidence?

(18 Posts)
TheHeartOfTeFiti Sun 19-Nov-17 20:31:43

My dd is 6&1/2 she’s a confident wee girl with her friends 1:1 but put in a group even with kids she knows really well & she just shrinks into herself. She won’t join in unless asked directly too even then she'll often step quickly out if they aren’t actively including her presuming they don’t want to play.

shakemysilliesout Sun 19-Nov-17 20:38:03

So I think it's rude to expect people to do all the running for you and that's what I tell my daughter, others are as shy as her and you can't always expect to be reached out to. We role play, she joins in by saying 'hi, what are we playing?' or starts with a compliment, strategies like this are important. I appreciate that your daughter doesn't mean to be rude but with adults who don't make an effort this is how it comes across. It's great to work on these social skills.

delilahbucket Sun 19-Nov-17 20:39:37

My ds is in a glee for kids type group. It has really helped his confidence. Is there anything local you can do? Any groups away from school or her friendship group will help her.

MillicentMargaretAmanda Sun 19-Nov-17 20:41:55

Have you thought about signing her up for Brownies or something similar. It's amazing how much most of them come out of their shells over a few months. Especially if you can find a smallish unit.

TheHeartOfTeFiti Sun 19-Nov-17 20:42:41

Thanks she does Rainbows & drama but at both from what I can see only speaks if spoken too. I’m trying the role play.

I feel like I’ve failed her I was very like that as a child so thought I’d done better in building her confidence.

shakemysilliesout Sun 19-Nov-17 20:49:45

You haven't failed her! It's something to work on and grow with. Can she find characters in TV and books to identify with but who have some confident streak? So she can find out it's ok to be shy etc but that that's not all she is. My dd loves Holly Webb animal books and the low key heroines!!

DaisyRaine90 Sun 19-Nov-17 20:57:28

She will probably grow out of it if she keeps being put into group situations.

If this is how you make friends (1:1 not groups) she may be mirroring you

TheHeartOfTeFiti Sun 19-Nov-17 20:59:30

I’m now a pretty confident adult so definitely not mirroring

DaisyRaine90 Sun 19-Nov-17 21:51:25

But are most of your interactions 1:1

Its not a criticism
Mostly I socialise with one friend at a time or another couple

I have never mastered group dynamics, despite having a big family, and prefer to have a few close friends than belong to a group

TheHeartOfTeFiti Sun 19-Nov-17 22:31:51

No we often spend time in a particular big group and I’m happy in it and to speak out.

newmobile Sun 19-Nov-17 22:40:40

My daughter is the same I Googled and found a talk by susan cain talking about the power of introverts and trying to think is it so bad to be quiet ? struggling with it if anyone has chance to watch it would be interested in what you think

Novemberblues Sun 19-Nov-17 22:52:34

Of the course you have not failed her, this is her personality, loads of people are shy!!

TheHeartOfTeFiti Sun 19-Nov-17 22:57:00

New-mobile thanks someone else recommended that I must look it up

MarieVanGoethem Mon 20-Nov-17 02:39:16

Have you asked her Rainbow Leaders how she's getting on? I'm a Brownie Leader & don't mind parents contacting me if they're worried about things like this. At 6.5 she'll (hopefully) be moving up to Brownies in the summer - she might actually come out of herself more there if they're a Unit who make a lot of use of Sixes, as having that small group to work with consistently can really help.

Shy is ok though. I was very shy as a wee person - to be honest, I still am quite shy, but having been in Guiding since I was 8, I've learned a lot about how to manage it. And 6.5 is still very little. I have a 10yo Brownie who barely spoke at all when she came to me at 7. Not very keen on making eye contact either. She's now confident & eager when it comes to making contributions to group discussions; she'll shush her Six if it needs doing; & last year she volunteered to narrate our Christmas performance. One of my other Sixers carried the flag at Remembrance Sunday church parade, which dipping it, facing the congregation, during the 2-minute silence. At 7 she'd never have done that, at 10, she'd the confidence to. And now I'm starting over again with some new shy littlies (as well as keeping track of other needs in the Unit, obviously) & already my summer-starters are a bit more confident ("Was I shy? I don't remember that... Brownies has ALWAYS been my favourite thing.") so please don't panic about your DD.

Are there any friendship-club type-things at her school? Am aware provision for this sort of thing varies wildly & it's not that your DD struggles to make friends, but struggling in group situations is still struggling, and if she could get help with that...

But yes, as I said, do not panic that your DD not being super confident now means she'll be supershy forever. You've certainly not in any way failed her: she's a person, with a personality, that will grow with her, & you seem to be doing the right things to help her for now. Remember to be gentle with yourself - self-flagellation for perceived failings definitely isn't something you want her to learn, no?

Broken11Girl Mon 20-Nov-17 04:22:38

Oh do FOD shake and perhaps follow your own advice in your username. Going up and asking 'what are we playing?' would probably get the answer 'You're not playing with us' if she approached the wrong group. Social anxiety isn't rude. You...are.
OP, DO NOT force her unto social situations she's not comfortable with. It will go badly and only exacerbate it. Do reassure her she's fine as she is, please...society is shit to people who are quiet and shy, she'll get enough messages she's a freak and inadequate, see twatty posts above angrysad

TheHeartOfTeFiti Mon 20-Nov-17 19:02:29

Certainly a variety of responses! I’m trying not to force her but it’s so hard not to turn into my mum & shout ‘go away & play’

FairyPenguin Mon 20-Nov-17 19:09:54

My DD was very much like this. Drama didn't help. She took part in the drama as everything was rehearsed but still was shy in social situations.

She is now in Year 6, and much more confident. She is quietly confident rather than obviously confident.

We found her teachers very supportive - they recognised that she needed to work on presenting to others, being a leader, etc, and gave her lots of opportunities at school to push herself. She has come on so much and is now putting herself forward for positions of responsibility at school.

So I would definitely recommend speaking to the teachers, as well as building up her confidence by reinforcing how much you believe in her, reminding her what she can and has achieved, recognising when she does something she finds difficult and being proud of each achievement. She'll get there.

TheHeartOfTeFiti Mon 20-Nov-17 21:29:19

Thanks for the wise words she’s home educated so school not an issue. Though from seeing her in groups I can imagine what a nightmare the playground would be for her.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now