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Marriage advice please

(15 Posts)
Confuddledmum Sun 19-Nov-17 07:55:17

Right I've been married for 12 tears and got with him when I was 16 I cheated on him in the beginning but he took me back. Since then I have struggled to be faithful as I like attention and tbh I get none at home. We have a house a 2 kids which names it harder to split. Bug I just think it's now at the point I wouldn't actually want attention if him as he's not interested in it. I love him and care for him bit just don't want to live in this boring life anymore. I also hate to think of him crying of which he will . I've started going out with friends which he doesn't like. What can I do ? Please help xx

HRTpatch Sun 19-Nov-17 07:56:16

Well you sound pleasant.

CuppaSarah Sun 19-Nov-17 07:57:47

Op you might want to get this moved to relationships, you'll get a lot more advice there.

Report your post and in the message ask it to be moved.

Hassled Sun 19-Nov-17 08:01:08

You say you love him but it doesn't sound as though you like or respect him. Your options are a) get some self-control and stop cheating or b) leave him. It doesn't sound like a) will happen, does it?

Kpo58 Sun 19-Nov-17 08:03:37

Have you actually asked him why he doesn't give you the attention that you want?

salmonofwisdom Sun 19-Nov-17 08:07:03

Ignore the above comments. You're perfectly reasonably to feel the way you do! You have to talk about this with DH. Whatever happens, for the sake of all involved, you need to be clearer with each other. If crying happens, it happens. Crying often helps release tension--be open and honest about how you feel.

Hairq Sun 19-Nov-17 08:09:14

It's actually refreshing to see someone being honest about cheating/wanting to cheat because they like attention rather than dressing it up as another reason. You need to talk to him about this as a first step.

yowerohotesies Sun 19-Nov-17 08:15:00

Hi OP - sorry that your first two replies weren't that helpful.

So I think the main issue here is that you were incredibly young when you got together with this man. Your whole personality will have matured massively in that time and your relationship needs will now be very different. What sort of age difference is there between you?

Was the "cheating" at the beginning when you were a teenager before you married? Or later on?

A major issue is that obviously you have never lived as an independent adult who isn't part of a couple. I read your phrase of "I like the attention" as meaning that you get your self-esteem from interacting with men in a flirtatious way - am I right? That would be another symptom of just having got tied down far too early - most people have a quite uncommitted and carefree time in their teens and 20s and get all that out of their system before working out what they really want, and hopefully gaining the maturity to be a rounded individual. It sounds like you never got that chance before committing to one person who may not really have been great life-partner material.

Cupoteap Sun 19-Nov-17 08:20:19

You need to leave him. You don’t want this life. Its unfair to treat him like this so leave. You will both be happier in the long run.

SparklyMagpie Sun 19-Nov-17 08:26:27

You should leave him, do you not think he'd cry if he found out about your cheating? So either way...

Confuddledmum Sun 19-Nov-17 08:37:39

I would like to say I'm not cheating now but I did cheat when I easy 17 before we got married. I like attention of other men but it goes nowhere. My hubby does not show attention only when it ask for it which to me isn't because he wants to give it if he's only doing it when I ask for it. There is 11 years between us and your right I've never lived independently I've always been with him. He had done all his uncommitted drinking nights and early twenties lifestyle acts way before he knew me. And tbh when your 16 you don't know what you want he may have known but I didn't and now I do know what I want I haven't got it. We've got the kids which makes it difficult. I feel very trapped at the moment from what I want and what I feel I have to do. X

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 19-Nov-17 09:23:57

So 16 plus 12 years of marriages makes you 28+? You sound much younger, which figures I guess given your lack of experience in the world. How old are your kids?

You know, if it's just a lack of attention/boredom then you might be better off just talking to your partner and sorting out some personal time to make you happy. If you attempt to achieve happiness through the approval of random men you have a very unfulfilling life ahead. Get a rewarding hobby. Do some classes. Spend time with good friends. If DH will support you it's probably a better option than a string of possibly unsuccessful relationships.

On the other hand, any 27 year old who puts the moves in a 16 year old is an utter creep so I'd say run a mile, but I guess it's a bit late for that.

yowerohotesies Sun 19-Nov-17 20:16:59

I agree a 27yo who woos a 16yo is unlikely to be a catch and is unlikely to be really the right man for the 16yo once she is a more mature woman.

But OP you can't change the past so the issue is what to do next.

Working on your marriage and relationship now is an option - but your husband isn't a dispenser of "attention" on demand - can the two of you actually find a way to enjoy spending time with one another? There may be a spark still there that is worth kindling.

But if you decide that this relationship has run its course - which might well be the reasonable conclusion - then do not try to bring about its end in a chaotic way with an affair or flirting.

You may have been basically a child when this relationship started but now you are an adult and a mother and your first priority must be your children who need stability and reliable parents who put the children's nerds first.

Therefore if the relationship with your husband is over, end it amicably and arrange for appropriate shared care of the children, and build an independent life without another man for at least a few years. With whatever free time you have when not actively caring for the children and earning a living, focus on finding out more about who you yourself are and what really makes you tick, without pursuing the external validation of flirtatious attention.

That will be hard at first. There is a part of growing up that you haven't had a chance to do yet because of having been with this guy since you were so young. But if you can learn to be yourself without needing a man to prop you up then the relationship you could then form with a similarly adult man would then be that much richer and deeper and longer lasting.

Sevendown Sun 19-Nov-17 20:24:49

I don't think it should be legal for a 27yo to have sex with a 16yo.

You are still young.

Escape this creep and start your life for real.

midsummabreak Sun 19-Nov-17 20:40:35

To feel good about yourself, you just need to be happy in your own skin. If your husband is not outwardly affectionate, is this due to his upbringing and how his family relate, or his personality, so he tends to be 'flat' in his emotions, not so much aware of others feelings?
Its a bonus when someone admires you, and shows you attention, but it cant replace having self love, or feeling fulfilled and happy within yoursel.
What stuff would you like to do, explore, and learn about?
Are you able to write a list of some of your dreams and aspirations?

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