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Am I basically dumped? Can't think straight

(35 Posts)
Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 11:31:25

Woke up to a text from partner saying I love you but they were looking forward fo building a happy life with me but they're not sure of how the way forward is bevause I'm so negative about myself.

Is that basically saying I'm dumped, that it's not working out?

waitingforlifetostart Sun 22-Oct-17 11:33:25

You need to talk to him. No one on here will know. Good luck. Maybe think about what he's saying.

JulietNeverMetRomeo Sun 22-Oct-17 11:34:59

I think you need a conversation about it, it sounds like it but you can't tell just by that message.

Hope you get your answer soon OP.

Teddy7878 Sun 22-Oct-17 11:35:07

Doesn't sound like you're dumped as he said "he's not sure of the way forward". I'd take that to mean he's confused about things and wants it to work but doesn't know how.
Ask him to talk and really listen to what he's saying. If there's something negative you're doing in the relationship then you really need to work on it or you'll lose him

Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 11:36:38

I am thinking about it. I know it's my fault for being the way I am.

Bruceishavingfish Sun 22-Oct-17 11:38:07

Whats prompted it?

ElloOllo Sun 22-Oct-17 11:38:41

Are you seeing a counsellor Wanttobeokay? To support you feeling less negative about yourself?

Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 11:39:05

I thought I'd beaten my depression but I think maybe it's come back in part in the form of being negative about myself.

I don't expect anyone to deal with my depression if that's the case.

luckiestgirl Sun 22-Oct-17 11:39:42

No, they're saying stop being so negative about yourself, do therapy or something I suppose, because they do want to be with you, but not if you carry on like you are.

Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 11:41:20

I can't afford a counsellor. I start a new job on Monday and in really scared. I was talking about it in a negative way. Convinced I'll be bad at it. Yes that's negative but unfortunately it's also true - I have never made a success of any job.

Bruceishavingfish Sun 22-Oct-17 11:43:08

Tbh it sounds like they are saying the relationship is in trouble.

Not over. But you need some help.

ThePeanutGallery Sun 22-Oct-17 11:44:32

It sounds like they're saying stop being so negative about yourself or it WILL end the relationship, not that it has.

Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 11:45:29

Fuck therapy. I didn't years keeping my feelings inside, then did therapy and started talking about feelings, and it only made my life worse because I can't get the right balance between being truthful but not depressing people. Therapy I did was years ago I thought I was better now.

Jigsisaw Sun 22-Oct-17 11:46:02

I think he's saying he can't cope, he can't see how he can do it.

(be with a depressed partner).

Are you in counselling or anything.

I am in a lowish paid job that I quite like and might be able to hold on to. Has taken me a decade to get to that point. Focus on one thing. For ages I was focusing on passing my driving test. It took me an astonishingly long time to achieve that confused Go easy on yourself. Don't judge yourself. Don't compare.
What makes you happy? As well as breaking things down in to smaller chunks so taht you can make manageable achievements, make sure you're doing something alongside that PURELY because you enjoy it.

Bluntness100 Sun 22-Oct-17 11:49:08

I don’t think it’s as clear as dumping you, I think he’s saying he can’t go on like this or see a future when you’re like this. It’s up to you to see if you can fix it and reassure him or not.

And yes, possibly it’s back because you read the text and instead of thinking I can fix this and I’m so sorry I’ve been like this, you immediately thought I’m dumped and came on here.

Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 11:53:30

I come on Mumsnet because it is the only place I can be totally frank about my thoughts and fears, and nobody will get upset.

I feel afraid to talk to anyone in real life when I feel like this. It never, ever ends well for me.

velourvoyageur Sun 22-Oct-17 12:05:24

Sorry you had to wake up to that OP, it's a little inconsiderate to do it then - and best to just sort out a good time to talk on the phone if not in person, and not tackle the heavy stuff through text.

I'm not sure it's that helpful to get stuck on 'it's my fault', as that can spark endless feelings of guilt which trap you in a really negative loop which is ultimately not productive - have you identified the behaviours which your DP is seeing as being negative and tried to be more mindful in anticipating them/avoiding them in their presence?

Although yes you should be able to offload on your partner, you also of course need to be considerate of how much they can take. In a sense, as much as they can be expected to look after you while you're feeling bad, you also need to look after them by shielding them from this sometimes.

I don't think it sounds unsalvageable (from the tiny amount of info in the OP) - do think of some practical steps to address the issue, though, instead of perhaps dwelling on things like who's to blame which, once acknowledged, can turn a bit toxic. For example, see if you can pick out patterns in typical conversations - how do you reply when DP asks you how you are, or do you tend to express a lot of hopelessness (e.g. 'things will never change for me'), or if you're paid a compliment do you immediately disqualify it...not saying you do these things, but they're examples of little things which contribute to an overall tone and which in the end are easily avoidable when you become properly aware of them, not least because they don't steer the conversation or serve much purpose.
Words form networks of meaning in our minds and associations between words become very immutable. It's often the case that when we use a particular word, the next few sentences can almost be predetermined due to how we prioritise other words which through previous processes of association have become linked to the original word. From 'tired' we may automatically jump to 'no energy', 'ill' etc just because our brains have made those connections in the past and in that sense language really can be very problematic as we become unwittingly trapped in treading the same old paths (and the more we tread them the more they become entrenched). Actually, you may not at all have intended to go on to talk about 'energy' and 'illness', but because we tend to be guided by the flow of words, the conversation doesn't end up being steered by intentions. Of course, saying you're tired is one thing, but if you then add more problems into the mix, the conversation becomes more negative overall. So although you only wanted to let your DP know you were tired (intention which does serve a purpose), you've actually expressed much more which wasn't perhaps what you wanted to do. What would be useful for you perhaps would be to be aware of how actually you are at a forked path when using certain words and phrasing - you could go down the track that you usually go down, or you could consciously switch to a more positive subject (which will of course then in turn also spark off a similar process but hopefully this will be upbeat and cheery!).

At the same time, you must be having a hard time and having an outlet where you don't need to be on guard is so valuable - is getting counselling an option at all?

velourvoyageur Sun 22-Oct-17 12:09:12

It never, ever ends well for me.

May I ask why you think this is?

Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 12:12:26

I can't afford counselling. I have wasted £4000 on therapy in the past leading to a suicidr attempt after an inappropriate relationship with the "therapist". Not a hope in hell im doing that again and it's put me off the whole thing somewhat.

Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 12:15:02

It doesn't end well because if I'm truly frank and honest about the negative feelings (when I have them, it's not all the time) the level of despair I convey is toxic to others.

Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 12:21:33

It is weird because I actually feel I knock a lot of enjoyment and good out of life in one way.

It's strange. I have a lower life expectancy of 60 and on one hand that makes me more determined to try to do things that mean something significant with my time here, but also I have limitations and I get very frustrated. I feel I'm wasting time and not doing a good job. Also not doing the best most perfect job of looking after my health so I'm one of the % that lives a long life with my condition.

I just feel constant pressure and constant not good enough.

JackieJormpJormp Sun 22-Oct-17 12:30:20

I can't afford counselling. I have wasted £4000 on therapy in the past leading to a suicidr attempt after an inappropriate relationship with the "therapist"

Hi Okay, I'm really sorry to hear that you had this experience. Please don't let it put you off therapy & counselling for good, though.

There are lots of excellent charities out there who only employ UKCP / BACP registered therapists & counsellors, where it would be safe for you to see somebody. Lots of them offer counselling / therapy on a sliding scale basis, where you only pay what you can afford. It might be worth your wihle looking into this or alternatively, you could ask your GP to put you on the waiting list for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Lots of people find a short course of CBT massively helpful in tackling the symptoms of depression including negative self-talk and anxiety. Again, all therapists are trained and registered.

Sorry to hear you're going through a bad time and good luck with your new job tomorrow.

Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 12:32:36

My unethical therapist was very highly qualified and registered with one of those bodies. It did not make it safer at all.

Wanttobeokay Sun 22-Oct-17 12:36:00

People always assume I'm thick and went to a fake therapist. It was actually a recommendation, and charged a lot because of qualifications and experience. It doesn't make s difference you can still run into somebody who unfortunately is going through their own stuff. And brings that into the therapy room, and it all becomes unsafe.

Branleuse Sun 22-Oct-17 12:46:35

I think hes being honest that he wont be able to support you with your mental health issues. Some people just arent cut out for that. Its not your fault x

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