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Why do so many people on here seem to have, and keep, shit friends?

(19 Posts)
HidingBehindTheWallpaper Sat 21-Oct-17 15:07:17

There are so many threads recently where people have friends who have been really unkind to them or fucked them over in a massive way. Why are people asking if they should stay friends with these women?
Someone sends you a bitchy text message? Not a friend.

Get new friends people.

riseandfall Sat 21-Oct-17 15:11:16

It's often not black and white though, I have a flaky friend who constantly lets people down but she is very lovely in other ways. If I exchanged every friend with flaws for a new one each time I would soon run out of people to befriend.

Santawontbelong Sat 21-Oct-17 15:12:39

I have no friends. Life is a lot less stressful!

ZerbaPadnaTigre Sat 21-Oct-17 15:14:53

Because making new friends isn't exactly easy for a lot of people, and most people do shitty things at one time or another. Somebody doing a shitty thing doesn't automatically make them not a friend. Someone sends you a bitchy text message? Possibly having a really shit day and may be full of regret and apologies 10 minutes later.

Longdistance Sat 21-Oct-17 15:16:58

It’s weird having shit friends. I got rid of mine as soon as they were twatting about acting like a dicks. Most of them I dropped in my 20’s, I’m 41 now.

I’ve never understood it myself either. Just people that are mismatched.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 21-Oct-17 15:17:10

It's interesting that when a friend proves herself to be absolutely crap everyone will say "She's not a friend - dump her!" but when a guy does then although some will say the same (I am one who will) there are others who say, "I'm never one to say LTB..." etc. Clearly if there are children involved it's always going to be a difficult decision to leave, but sometimes there aren't children involved and the response is the same. It's as though expectations for a friend are way higher than expectations for a partner.

FrustratedTeddyLamp Sat 21-Oct-17 15:21:32

Because it’s not simple, some have been conditioned that the friends are ok due to general bad experiences with people for extended time periods. Some will be talking about one shitty thing a friend has done. Fact is if you’re writing on MN you’re more likely to be writing about them hurting your feelings one way but forgetting that they were rock solid that time you really needed someone when DH left suddenly. It’s all about which mental state you’re in at the time.

Nobody is perfect always

HidingBehindTheWallpaper Sat 21-Oct-17 15:22:31

most people do shitty things at one time or another

Perhaps, but I’m thinking of threads where people have offered other people’s services as prizes or ganged up to bitch about someone else getting married.
Most of us don’t do things like that.

FrustratedTeddyLamp Sat 21-Oct-17 15:24:50

* *Most of us don’t do things like that.

Yet there’s thousands of threads a year, some in classics where posters are tearing people they know to shreds.

Graphista Sat 21-Oct-17 15:26:46

Maybe partly because it's mainly women here and women are trained to please rather than be pleased?

Butterymuffin Sat 21-Oct-17 15:28:55

Yes, these cases aren't typical. Sometimes long standing friends can surprise you with previously hidden unpleasant aspects of their character, but even that doesn't seem to be the case with many of these threads. It's someone the OP has known for a relatively short time, taking the piss, and without excusing that, some people seem totally unable to draw boundaries and say no.

Cavender Sat 21-Oct-17 15:29:32

I think the problem is that you get a lot of “well that’s just Alison, she’s like that to everyone” in friendship groups.

Long term friendship groups, particularly those that start at school seem conditioned to accept certain bad behaviours from certain individuals.

Eventually the scales fall from their eyes when the person does something particularly terrible or a husband or partner or new friend says “they did what?”

ShirleyPhallus Sat 21-Oct-17 15:38:37

Because people only talk about the stuff that's a problem in their life and not the good stuff

Imagine how set upon someone would be to start a thread saying "I have loads of lovely friends.... aren't I lucky". Everyone would say stop being a smuggy smugerson.

Fwiw, I have lots of lovely friends smile

MagicFajita Sat 21-Oct-17 15:46:36

I think a lot of it is age related , I shed a lot of people in my early thirties as I just didn't like the drama or ill treatment anymore. It gets tiring.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Sat 21-Oct-17 15:48:15

I had a friend a few years ago who was really pissing me off. She was using me for lifts, borrowing money and forgetting to pay it back, calling me constantly to do things for her, being really fucking dependant on me when she is over ten years older than me and a mother with one adult child and two tweens. She allowed her youngest child to treat her like crap and be really rude to me and she constantly phoned me whingeing about different problems but never took any advice. I actually posted at the time quite a lot because it was making me so mad. Lots of the advice was to cut her off, I didn’t need her in my life, she was one of life’s takers etc. TBH I was seriously ready to do it. I had had enough. I didn’t though but I did step way back. I ignored the phone again and again and made myself unavailable for lifts and errands. It was quite awkward for a while but I think she realised she had just become so dependant on me and learned to sort herself out. She is my best friend. We are in a really good place now and have a balanced friendship where we are there for each other but not dependant on each other. I actually realised a few months ago that I couldn’t remember the last time she had asked to borrow money or have a lift to somewhere walkable. She is a genuinely god person but she was going through a really awful period in her life with her ex and it was making her act in a way she wouldn’t do otherwise. I’m really glad I didn’t abandon her altogether during her tough times, what right would I have then to call myself any sort of a friend? I recognise that her behaviours had a reason behind them.

Trills Sat 21-Oct-17 15:55:44

Low expectations?

Poor communication?

strugglingtodomybest Sat 21-Oct-17 15:57:20

Give and take isn't it? I'm sure I've not been the perfect friend at times, but I know I've been a good friend at others. One of my closest friends is flakey mcflake (an hour late is nothing) but I'm not going to drop her for that as she's a great friend in other respects.

It all depends on where you personally draw the line. Not difficult to understand really, just another case of "everyone's different".

HidingBehindTheWallpaper Sat 21-Oct-17 16:00:00

Long term friendship groups, particularly those that start at school seem conditioned to accept certain bad behaviours from certain individuals.

I think that might be true.
I don’t live in my home town so all of my friends have been made since I was 30.

sonjadog Sat 21-Oct-17 16:28:15

I think a lot of people make friends in childhood from the small pool of people they have in their lives then, and they just carry them on into adulthood out of habit, without really considering if they are the people they want to be friends with, and it takes something major for them to have a rethink.

Also, as some posters say, most people are not all good or all bad, and even a good friend can do something stupid and/or selfish. The question then needs to be does the good outweigh the bad, or is it time to let go. I think a lot of posters MN are in these kind of situations.

Threads like this seem to attract posters who state that they have no friends like that is something to be happy about. I can´t imagine anything sadder. Everyone needs friends.

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