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Sil not celebrating Christmas this year

(23 Posts)
doughnutcraver Sat 21-Oct-17 10:14:43

Sil lost both her parents earlier this year.
This has obviously caused her to go into a deep depression and has only been able to work very part time since.
My brother has just told me that she will not be celebrating Christmas this year, which I totally understand
I am now unsure if that means I don't buy presents for either my brother, sil and the kids or if they are just not having turkey with trimmings and Christmas tree etc.
I don't want to not and then look like a tightass as I know my brother will be buying for us but also want to respect her wishes.

HappyintheHills Sat 21-Oct-17 10:16:37

Only your brother knows what he meant in saying that she's not celebrating - ask him!

doughnutcraver Sat 21-Oct-17 10:38:22

He's walking on eggshells ATM he can't do anything right!
I'll have to give it another month and ask again.

PlateOfBiscuits Sat 21-Oct-17 10:42:57

Could you get them, as a family, a voucher for eg a meal out? Or eg a spa voucher for him and her and then something for the kids?

If you get a voucher with a long expiration date on it then you can give it to your Brother and he can tell her about it when she’s ready.

Kahlua4me Sat 21-Oct-17 10:43:55

Can you ask your sil? It sounds as though she is in too much pain and needs lots of love.
Their dc will still need to do something over Christmas, but it may have to be your brother who arranges it.

When my dm died I could not function for months and it seemed as though I was walking through fog. I hope you sil has lots of love and support around her as I don't think I would have coped without and losing both parents in a short space of time would be hideous.

kissmethere Sat 21-Oct-17 12:24:16

It depends what your SIL wants. Usually in our family we don't do the "merry, happy..." Christmas if there's been a death in the family. No cards but we take of the kids with some gifts.
We also have our dinner but a lot more low key.

ForalltheSaints Sat 21-Oct-17 13:18:28

Ask your brother.

Blankiefan Sat 21-Oct-17 13:25:58

Do you have a zoo local? They are usually open on Xmas day but a trip there would be decidedly un-xmasy. Maybe you can but them a voucher for a day out.

ParkheadParadise Sat 21-Oct-17 13:50:04

What age are their dc's?

I would imagine your sil just wants a low key Christmas.
I lost my Dd1 in Oct (2015) Dd2 was born in Dec (2015). Christmas was a nightmare I just wanted it over with. My family did buy presents, more for dd2 as it was her first Christmas. We didn't have any decorations or cards up. We went to the cemetery then came home. I would imagine if your dcs are older you would need to put on a brave face and try to enjoy it.
I would buy gifts and leave them with your DB.

elevenclips Sat 21-Oct-17 13:53:23

How old are the kids. Can you just give them a card each containing money?

Dermymc Sat 21-Oct-17 14:57:29

Honestly she needs to see a professional and your brother needs to help her to.

retainertrainer Sat 21-Oct-17 15:02:28

Blankie-zoos don't open on Christmas Day! 🤔

Kpo58 Sat 21-Oct-17 15:03:02

Would it be possible for you to host the kids so that they can have a happy time at Christmas and not feel like they are being left out, even if DB & SIL don't come?

BenLui Sat 21-Oct-17 15:03:50

Why not just ask your SIL gently how she would like you to approach presents?

None at all.
Presents but plainly wrapped.
Presents but just for the D.C.?
Gift vouchers?

Scotland has a tradition of giving New Year’s presents (my Grandparents used to give us presents on the 1st) perhaps you could do a quiet meal with gifts then, it might be less emotionally pressured?

I’d ask the question and then give her time to think about what she would like.

Poor woman, it must be extremely hard.

MarmaladeIsMyJam Sat 21-Oct-17 15:10:56

Retainer Some do!

scrabbler3 Sat 21-Oct-17 15:24:00

I'd leave it a while and then broach it again. Cards with money for the kids might be the way to go if sil can't face a pile of giftwrapped presents. If the children are little you could gently offer to do the school carol concert/visiting Father Christmas etc thing with them this year, if she feels ok with that.

Galaxyfarfaraway Sat 21-Oct-17 15:33:28

Can you offer to have her kids for the day/part of the day? That way they still get to enjoy and she can spend the day however she wants.
First Xmas will be very hard for her and she sounds like she is really struggling.
You sound lovely to be so

RaindropsAndSparkles Sat 21-Oct-17 15:39:31

I feel awfully sad for your SIL but she has to get on with Christmas for the sake of the children. Perhaps differently but she still has to do it and I'm sure that's what her parent's would have wanted.

Can you talk to her over tea or coffee and gently suggest some bereavement counselling

retainertrainer Sat 21-Oct-17 18:22:31

Marmalade-which ones?! I'd love to go to a zoo on Christmas Day!

Blankiefan Sat 21-Oct-17 18:32:20

Edinburgh Zoo opens on Xmas day

Blankiefan Sat 21-Oct-17 18:32:51

*Sorry - obviously not the point of the thread

MarmaladeIsMyJam Sat 21-Oct-17 19:12:59

Yep, Edinburgh!

Redglitter Sat 21-Oct-17 19:16:57

If her children are old enough to.understand Christmas she won't have the option of just cancelling. Its not fair on the children. The year my dad died my mum said she wasn't doing Christmas. She had to though for my nieces. We did celebrate It, it was hard and it was different. We deliberately changed a few things and implemented a few new traditions. Hopefully your BIL can help her come up with some kind of compromise
It's a horrible time of year when you've just lost someone

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