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Can't be alone with my own thoughts. Please help

(16 Posts)
TequilaLemonSalt Thu 19-Oct-17 22:45:37

I constantly have to be doing something. I can't even watch much TV, as it doesn't hold my attention for long enough. Really pisses me off, as I find it very relaxing getting into a box set, but I just lose interest so easily. Also reading books, which I used to love.

Usually I'm on my phone. I try and play with DD as much as possible, but even that I find difficult not to pick up my phone blush feel very guilty, I have limited time with her due to work/ uni and want to enjoy every moment, but I just struggle so much in not having something constantly occupying me. I don't know why. I know she deserves better, honestly I want to be the best Mum ever and I'm all she has, but I struggle so much with it. I feel like wasting time on MN and BuzzFeed and fb and instagram etc is such a waste of time, and would be so much better spent making sure I enjoy my DDs toddler years, and getting a first at uni. I wish I could just concentrate and achieve that stuff more than anything.

Today I got on the bus after work (40 min journey), my battery had gone, and I felt like I would have a panic attack. I have diagnosed GAD. Was better when somebody moved and I could go to a window seat and watch the people outside. That's what really made me realise I have a problem. But I'm not sure it's a phone addiction per ce. I'm ok if I'm reading the metro on the bus etc. I just can't sit there doing nothing.

I put off uni work to the point where I'm achieving so much less than I should be, because I can't concentrate on the work. I procrastinate and procrastinate until I have a few hours to go. My grades have dropped by 20%. I can't even remember what I did differently in my first year. My memory is so bad. I have forgiven my abusive ex P many times because I struggle to truly remember how sad he made me. Sometimes I remember glimpses, and am shocked I'm still able to be civil with him.

I can't sleep, takes me hours. I just hate being alone with my own thoughts.

Writing this makes me think ADHD (I have a MH background work wise). But I'm never hyper. I'm always tired. Although one of my colleagues told me today that I'm so energetic and never stop talking blush I guess I put on a good act.

I have a really bad memory. I have aphantasia, but I'm not sure if it's completely due to that. I feel like I should go the doctors, but a young woman is hardly going to get referred to the memory clinic are they? Also I work for the NHS, and feel my issues are quite complex and will far outweigh a 10 min gp app.

It's so weird. I've had counselling before due to antenatal depression, but I kept getting told to practice mindfulness, which is really difficult with aphantasia, and also given the above that I struggle with.

I was going to put myself forward for counselling when I was at uni last week, but I wasn't sure if it would be helpful. Is it a psychological or medical problem?

Any ideas? Does anyone else suffer with similar? It seems like such a weird thing to suffer with that I struggle to articulate it. At least with anxiety, you know lots of other people are going through the same thing.

Would appreciate any replies. I've been sitting on these thoughts for a while.

TequilaLemonSalt Thu 19-Oct-17 22:48:31

Ok, I've just done an ADD quiz and scored highly. But I'm not energetic at all! I'm really really lazy. confused

tygr Thu 19-Oct-17 22:51:50

Have you tried meditation/ mindfulness? It’s really good for focussing the mind. Or you could try something more physical like yoga or tai chi if pure meditation is too tricky to get into.

Anxiety is rubbish but relaxation techniques can help and the more you practice the easier it will be to get into the zone.

The Headspace app is really good.

TequilaLemonSalt Thu 19-Oct-17 22:59:14

*Have you tried meditation/ mindfulness? It’s really good for focussing the mind. Or you could try something more physical like yoga or tai chi if pure meditation is too tricky to get into.

Anxiety is rubbish but relaxation techniques can help and the more you practice the easier it will be to get into the zone.

The Headspace app is really good.*

I really struggle with meditation/ mindfulness - I have aphantasia, which means I have no minds eye. I am unable to picture things in my brain. Which means I really struggle with things like that. Even yoga, which I tried whilst I was pregnant. I could do the poses, but didn't find them very relaxing without being able to follow the narrative (imagine you're a dog facing the moon etc) behind them.

I downloaded the headspace app also whilst I was pregnant, and struggled so much with it. I tell people at my workplace to download it, because I know it's effective for a lot of people. But unfortunately not me sad

DJBaggySmallpox Thu 19-Oct-17 23:02:20

See a doctor asap and tell them what you wrote nhere, print it out and show them. Have a full checkup, get your hormones & iron checked, and ask for CBT.
Check how much caffeine and nicotine you are taking, they have a really severe effect on anxiety. You need to cut back as far as you can. Anxiety and stress can cause a short attention span and aphasia, along with an inability to settle to anything.

If you struggle with mindfulness, how about knitting or crochet? The repetitive action can be soothing and distracting, if you have trouble following a pattern you can just knit a long scarf.
When I had bad anxiety I found stopping the procrastinating did a lot to help and kept me active. They get you to make a timetable, fill it in and follow it. I still do that now.

TequilaLemonSalt Thu 19-Oct-17 23:03:14

God, this is me. ADHD didn't even enter my brain until writing this post, when it became clear. Will be going to my doctors and asking for a referral asap. Can't believe how much I fit in with the symptoms. Hope I get some help.

TequilaLemonSalt Thu 19-Oct-17 23:06:26

*See a doctor asap and tell them what you wrote nhere, print it out and show them. Have a full checkup, get your hormones & iron checked, and ask for CBT.
Check how much caffeine and nicotine you are taking, they have a really severe effect on anxiety. You need to cut back as far as you can. Anxiety and stress can cause a short attention span and aphasia, along with an inability to settle to anything.*

I will, thank you. I don't drink many hot drinks, but I do smoke. I'm hoping to stop soon. Just feel so occerwhelmed with all of this. But I want to tackle it instead of burying my head in the sand like I always do. Reading out this post will be useful. I always forget what to say. I struggle with CBT though. Had it before and I just really struggle to articulate my thoughts. Because I never let myself think too much, I think.

*If you struggle with mindfulness, how about knitting or crochet? The repetitive action can be soothing and distracting, if you have trouble following a pattern you can just knit a long scarf.
When I had bad anxiety I found stopping the procrastinating did a lot to help and kept me active. They get you to make a timetable, fill it in and follow it. I still do that now.*

I have been thinking about taking up knitting recently. I'll look into it, thank you. I wish I could stop procrastinating. I know I always feel better when I'm getting on and doing stuff. Just find it so hard to get started.

Nandoshoes Thu 19-Oct-17 23:08:15

I get this at night I have to listen to a podcast to go to sleep so I don't think and over analyst petty stupid things or think back to mistakes I've made or times I've embarrassed myself.

TequilaLemonSalt Thu 19-Oct-17 23:14:23

I get this at night I have to listen to a podcast to go to sleep so I don't think and over analyst petty stupid things or think back to mistakes I've made or times I've embarrassed myself.

Same sad it's so exhausting and sometimes I actually feel suicidal trying to get the thoughts to stop so I can finally sleep.

I never, ever feel like this during the day though. As I'm distracting myself from my thoughts I guess. Now is the first time I'm allowing myself to really consider it.

dnwig Thu 19-Oct-17 23:20:09

This might not be you but...could it be that there are thoughts and/ or feelings that you would rather avoid? Sometimes people feel the need to keep themselves (or their minds) very busy for that reason.

dnwig Thu 19-Oct-17 23:21:31

That might fit with the GAD too.

KarmaNoMore Thu 19-Oct-17 23:24:35

Have you considered the posibility that you may be addicted to internet?

TequilaLemonSalt Thu 19-Oct-17 23:31:11

This might not be you but...could it be that there are thoughts and/ or feelings that you would rather avoid? Sometimes people feel the need to keep themselves (or their minds) very busy for that reason.

I'm not sure. When I was in counselling, my counsellor kept focussing on me avoiding negative thoughts. Or obsessing about negative things.

But I wasn't. Even when I'm not thinking negatively, I find it hard to concentrate. When my mind goes off in a tangent, I'm not necessarily thinking negatively. A lot of the time I'm imagining winning the lottery, or my baby DD growing up to be so happy and successful (blush). Thinking back to then, a couple of years ago when I had counselling, I was struggling more with these daydreams.

Now, I just distract myself from it all, daydreams or negative thoughts, with looking at my phone. But I'm only thinking that now you've mentioned it. I can't remember, or don't think of how miserably unhappy I was back then. My memory is shot to bits, and I'm only just reading that this is a symptom of ADD. Even when I was just considering it, I thought the memory thing was unrelated.

Now I'm reading more about ADD, I think it's definitely what I've got. I'm sitting here crying with how much it resonates with me.

BUT I work in a job which deals with prescriptions etc. And I'm reading that the names of the meds that are used to treat ADD are the same ones I write on controlled drugs forms every day.

And I had problems with drugs as a teenager. GPs are even wary of prescribing me run of the mill anti anxiety/ depression meds. I feel like they will be suspicious this is all some big ruse to get medication.

Which is ridiculous. 8 years ago, at 16, I was a homeless drug addict who made terrible decisions (all typical of ADD sufferers it seems). Now I'm a respectable Mum, at uni and working, with a lovely house etc etc

I certainly don't want to abuse medication drugs for pleasure. But will they believe that?

Online it just says to take a list of your symptoms, and ask for a referral. Fingers crossed.

TequilaLemonSalt Thu 19-Oct-17 23:34:14

Have you considered the posibility that you may be addicted to internet?

I don't think it is. I've considered it lots, and up until now I thought it was the most likely thing. But I'm absolutely happy to sit and read the metro on the bus, or sit and have a fag whilst reading a magazine. I'll eat my dinner if I'm eating without DD, happily in front of masterchef. But I could never have a cigarette, or eat, without something else to distract me. I definitely think I use to internet too much, but I'm not honestly convinced that without it I wouldn't find an alternative, and have the same problems.

Millie2013 Fri 20-Oct-17 07:37:23

I have a diagnosis of ADD, the inattentive rather than hyperactive subtype. I used to be medicated, now I prefer not to be, I'm not as good off meds, but I've had lots of therapy to understanding myself, so I function better.
I still can't just...be, my mind races, I can't read a book or watch a film, but I've accepted that now as just me. Funnily enough though, I can sit and listen to DD read (she's just learning), I just can't do it for myself (maybe because her books are about 10 pages long 😂)

picklemepopcorn Fri 20-Oct-17 07:52:35

Sometimes recognising it, accepting it and not beating yourself up about it makes a huge difference.

I stopped beating myself up for being lazy, unmotivated, useless and started saying 'I need a lot of sleep, I have fast and furious days followed by recovery days, I'll do that on a day when I am in the mood for it, I work better when I am not stressed' etc.

With a change of attitude I became much more effective.

Do what you want, not what you ought to. Most things will get done in the end.

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