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Help me deal with my friend?

(24 Posts)
doomyandgloomy Thu 19-Oct-17 14:42:16

I sound like a needy 16 year but I'm actually middle aged.
I have a close friend whom I'm very fond of, we share a hobby that we both do and both of get a lot of pleasure from it.
But somehow my friend has to make a competition of everything and isn't actually very kind to me.
We're a similar age with similar age DC but her DC have to be shown to be better/smarter at everything.
And our hobby, friend has to show she's better than me, which she actually is, but I don't need reminding.
Thing is, we have very different home lives. I have a DH, professional job and a very comfortable lifestyle which she doesn't. I really play down this so our meeting up involves walks, drinks at home or casual suppers.
But she can never be pleased for me about anything. I had my haircut in a very different style, if it'd been me I'd have paid her a compliment but she just looked and said nothing.
DH says just don't bother but really she's a lovely person and if she could be a bit kinder I'd really value our friendship.
How can I broach this without sounding petty?

Anecdoche Thu 19-Oct-17 14:45:27

She doesn't sound like a lovely person.

In what way is she a lovely person?

Lovely people don't treat you like shit.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 19-Oct-17 14:48:32

She might be a lovely person very deep down, but that's covered with jealousy, resentment, bragging and general dislike. I would avoid anyone like that.

doomyandgloomy Thu 19-Oct-17 14:49:08

She is a nice person. She had an awful marriage breakup years ago and has managed to get back on track and raise two lovely DDs, but he bitterness towards me is wearing. If only she could get over that I'd be so much happier.

DewDropsonKittens Thu 19-Oct-17 14:56:31

Thing is, if she is unable to overcome her what seems to be bitterness then your friendship will never work.

Take a step back, continue with the hobby and try and keep things more casual for a while.

Anecdoche Thu 19-Oct-17 14:57:54

What does she do for or towards you that is lovely and nice?

You don't have to take her crap.

Friends don't treat you like they hate you.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 19-Oct-17 15:00:57

I wonder what her response would be if you wrote her a note saying exactly this? She needs to know she's making you feel bad - though I reckon she knows that and is doing it to make herself feel better. She risks losing a really good friend because of her bitterness and nastiness.

LEMtheoriginal Thu 19-Oct-17 15:01:34

I have a friend like you. She makes me feel really shit about myself. She doesn't mean to do it. She's a lovely person and I like to think I'm an ok person myself but I have deep insecurities and thus person just brings them to the surface.

She's my oldest friend but we don't see each other. It's like we "know" that we aren't good for each other and we keep our distance. We would be there in a flash if shit hit the fan though. But it's better we don't see each other.

Sad really sad

doomyandgloomy Thu 19-Oct-17 15:03:22

I sort of feel that I owe it to her to explain how I feel without sounding petty.
'You didn't admire my haircut' or 'you didn't congratulate me on my promotion' sounds so childish. But they're the things that hurt.
I really big her up.

doomyandgloomy Thu 19-Oct-17 15:04:47

That's interesting LEM, did you have a conversation about it or did one of you let things slide?

dustarr73 Thu 19-Oct-17 15:17:39

Stop bigging her up.Its not your fault her marriage went tits up.

I'd cool ita bit, just do the hobby.Ans spend the time finding some other friendships.She sounds jealous.

iamghosted Thu 19-Oct-17 16:59:35

I get you op. I have the same problem with a friend of mine. She very much behaves like a frenemy but she's more invested in our friendship. I just used to let all the resentful digs go over the top of my head until she then started on my children. I considered breaking contact, but it would be tricky and I can't be bothered with the drama. She knew that I was annoyed and sort of made it up to me without actually apologising.

Cut down on how much time you spend together and maybe eventually it will dwindle to nothing. That's what I'm sort of aiming for.

doomyandgloomy Thu 19-Oct-17 17:07:31

sort of made it up to me without actually apologising, that's exactly what this friend does when she knows she's been mean.
But I know if something awful happened she'd be right there.

Friendships should bring happiness not angst.

KeepItAsItIs Thu 19-Oct-17 17:58:23

She's jealous OP. And she's not a lovely person or a good friend. Good friends are genuinely happy for you and don't feel the need to compete.

I have a friend like that, more acquaintance these days. She is never happy for anyone, always had to be putting some sort of negative spin on something and is quite sneery. She's asked questions like to people own their own homes etc, she's the only one in the group who doesn't. No one gives a shit but she clearly does. She also cannot praise a child who does better than hers. Mine does slightly better than hers, i had never taken any notice until I kept getting snide remarks and pointed sneering looks. It's all down to jealousy.

doomyandgloomy Thu 19-Oct-17 18:07:28

I hear what you're saying Keep and DH says the same.
It makes me sad that because she has some great qualities.
Thank you for the comments, it doesn't look like there's an easy solution.

ItsLeviosah Thu 19-Oct-17 18:24:40

She’s what me and my DH call an
“Elevenerife”

As in, “We’re going to Tenerife!”
Oh, well we’re going to Elevenrife.

Always gotta do one better but most of the time it’s bullshit.

My cousins wife is this person. She’s always swinging her cock around like she’s rich/intelligent/a hoot.
When she’s actually a horrible person and people can’t stand her for long.

Your friend sounds like a twat.

Also, I bet your new haircut she loved and was gutted you got it before her.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Thu 19-Oct-17 18:28:58

I don't mean to be harsh OP, but she really isn't a lovely person.
There is a solution, find a new friend, and limit your time with her. You will never be able to please her, because she is jealous, and will continue to suck the joy out of you. Listen to your DH.
I bet your hair looks fab ! You sound like a really lovely person, but it's time to stop being a martyr. Many of us have taken marital knocks, but we are still kind yo our friends.You deserve better. 💐🌺🌸

Thinkingofausername1 Thu 19-Oct-17 18:40:28

I had a friend who I thought was lovely, however all she went on about was how much my dh earned and that I’m ‘fine’. I never told her how much he earned so what did she know? It actually turned the friendship sour because of her bitterness.
If you don’t feel at peace with your friend perhaps spend a bit less time with her and see if you feel any better??

Jasminedes Thu 19-Oct-17 19:14:26

Would she notice humour? Like sarcastically complimenting yourself on your new haircut, to highlight the fact that she hasn't, or lording it over her if you 'win' at the hobby occasionally.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 19-Oct-17 19:26:33

Have you thought that maybe she'd always be there if things were bad for you because she could then feel superior to you? She doesn't like to watch you be happy, but she's quick to watch when things are going wrong. It's not always the sign of a good friend, you know.

doomyandgloomy Thu 19-Oct-17 19:35:40

You've hit the nail on the head.
She does bring money up too often, I don't mention it.
And My's comments are spot on. To be fair she was great when I had a family bereavement but not at all nice when we had some recent good luck.
If she read this thread she'd be desperately hurt, she's not a nasty person and I'm certainly no saint.
DH has told me for months to cool things and reading your advice he's right.

Maelstrop Thu 19-Oct-17 19:35:49

I think I'd be distancing myself, she doesn't sound at all nice, tbh. I don't know why you're defending her when she's obviously not very nice to you.

KeepItAsItIs Thu 19-Oct-17 21:07:02

"she's not a nasty person" sorry OP, but she is. She's like a frenemy.

dustarr73 Thu 19-Oct-17 21:23:03

She is nasty and the worse type.People who pretend to be your friends to get the dirt or gossip.I wouldnt tell her anything.Cause if you had a row,she would spread it all over.

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