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Am I being ridiculous to not really like dh meeting up with his female ex-colleague?

(50 Posts)
Leavesandapples Thu 19-Oct-17 08:29:03

I say 'ridiculous' because she's actually gay, living with her long-term female partner. Dh doesn't see why I should mind, as he says from his point of view it's no different than him being friends with another bloke. Their shared interests include football, politics, as well as several years spent working for the same company.

To me, it's still a case of he's close friends with a woman I've not met, and I'd just rather he met her in a group with other ex colleagues, than on her own. They meet up about once a month, and text about sport etc in between.

I've never told him not to meet her, but he gets irritable if I question him about her. I'm not being 'weird' about not really liking this, am I?

PerfumeIsAMessage Thu 19-Oct-17 08:30:46

Yes, you are. Sorry.

You would be even if she wasn't gay tbh.

TanteRose Thu 19-Oct-17 08:34:40

yes, you're being weird.

You are basically telling him who he can and can't be friends with...not on, I'm afraid.

CalmanOnSpeeddial Thu 19-Oct-17 08:36:34

You’re being weird.

ShatnersWig Thu 19-Oct-17 08:37:13

Yes, you're being weird. Have a word with yourself.

Sashley Thu 19-Oct-17 08:39:06

It would bother me if she wasn't gay but being as she is gay there is no sexual element there at all. You have nothing to worry about. He need to have time with friends and u will drive a wedge between you if you get jealous of this friendship.

afrikat Thu 19-Oct-17 08:39:54

You are being very odd and if I was your partner I'd find your behaviour extremely annoying.

Or is this a reverse and your husband is annoyed because you have a gay male friend? If so he's being ridiculous

pigeondujour Thu 19-Oct-17 08:41:35

Question him how?

strugglingtodomybest Thu 19-Oct-17 08:43:05

Sorry, but yes, completely ridiculous. Why is this such an issue for you? What do you think is going to happen? You can't trust your DH very much, is there a reason for that?

Zampa Thu 19-Oct-17 08:43:05

I don't think you should feel ridiculous for having these worries but think you should acknowledge that they are unnecessary worries.

I have a few friends who are male and former colleagues with whom I enjoy spending time but have zero romantic interest in.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Thu 19-Oct-17 08:43:28

Yep, definitely being weird, you are also being controlling and unpleasant. You need to take a good look at yourself.

RoryItsSnowing Thu 19-Oct-17 08:55:37

Her being gay should be irrelevant. You don't think he should be able to have a female friend just because you've not met them?

Unless there's a reason you have absolutely no trust in him I think you're crazy.

Teddy7878 Thu 19-Oct-17 09:00:51

My OH is good friends with a gay woman and even lived with her before he met me. She's very butch looking but even if she was feminine and gorgeous it wouldn't be too much of an issue seeing as she's gay and will never fancy men.
What do you feel threatened about? Are you worried he finds her attractive? Or that he prefers her company to yours and has more in common with her?

Twitchingdog Thu 19-Oct-17 09:28:24

Why have you not met her?

Enko Thu 19-Oct-17 09:48:57

Invite her and partner over for dinner get to know them and then you wont feel weird anymore.

Personally I think it is weird you have a issue even if she wasnt gay. dh meets up with female friends it would never occur to me to have a issue.

Leavesandapples Thu 19-Oct-17 10:04:24

I haven't met her because when they worked together he had a 2 hour commute each way, I've always worked locally to fit around school runs etc. He now works locally, but travels near to where he used to work (for his current work) about twice a month. She's still at his old company, so he sometimes meets her in her lunch break/drink after work.

Ok, after reading all your comments I can see I'm obviously being unreasonable. I know it's not a physical attraction thing, but yes I feel he's probably got more in common with her than with me! He's v much into sports & politics, as she is. I'm into theatre/arts etc, he really isn't! We always have plenty to talk about though, it's a case of opposites attract I suppose! His interests match hers though, which is why they get on.

I have suggested meeting her if she's ever down our way (which is unlikely). He said maybe, but he doesn't think we'd have much in common.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Thu 19-Oct-17 10:06:20

Fucking hell. It’s 2017. Aren’t we past this shit yet?

Bonez Thu 19-Oct-17 10:06:46

You're being ridiculous and yes unreasonable.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:08:18

Yes your being ridiculous. Ffs I can’t believe some people are still this way about a man & women being friends

whiskyowl Thu 19-Oct-17 10:10:38

Seriously, she's GAY. Do you really think your DH is so attractive he's going to turn her straight, shove her on the back of his white stallion, and go riding off into the sunset?

Even if she were straight, though, this would be totally fine.

From your update, though, it sounds as if the real problem is that you're not that close in terms of your actual interests. Attraction is one thing. Life-long partnership is another.

pigeondujour Thu 19-Oct-17 11:12:50

He said maybe, but he doesn't think we'd have much in common.

That bit would piss me off.

Shoxfordian Thu 19-Oct-17 11:20:06

I have more in common with other people than my partner but it doesn't mean I'm going to run off with them!

You sound very jealous and controlling

I would be really unimpressed if I was your partner

Andrewofgg Thu 19-Oct-17 11:26:02

I occasionally have a drink at lunchtime with a female ex-colleague (who is married to a man) - we talk about how our careers are doing, retirement plans, children, GCs in her case, and the like.

DW knows and does not mind in the least.

Eilasor Thu 19-Oct-17 11:26:29

Uh, yeah. But I don't think it's about her being a women necessarily (as you've said, she's gay and in a committed relationship!) but perhaps that you're jealous of their relationship because they have a lot to talk about? I used to (and still do occasionally) feel this way about the relationships DH has with his colleagues (male, mostly) because he would discuss all their technological stuff for hours and hours and I understood none of it, and it made me feel I adequate somehow.

I'm probably just putting my own insecurities onto you, OP, so apologies about that. grin

Otherwise, YABU

Summerswallow Thu 19-Oct-17 11:30:54

Not only unreasonable, her being gay is quite irrelevant to me, as my husband is allowed to have female friends who haven't been quizzed on their sexual preferences (how do you know this friend might not be bi!!!!)

He sees her about once a months, texts occasionally about sport- they are friends. This is normal stuff.

Sometimes on here it does feel like people are a bit naive about the fact that sometimes male/female friendships can be inappropriate- if they exclude the partner, if they are intense, non-stop texting, if the friendship starts to substitute emotionally for the relationship.

None of that appears to be happening here, it's all just a fairly ordinary friendship which you do need to get over, don't tell him to go out in a group, fgs, that's like saying he needs a chaperone to be faithful to you (which if true, is very worrying).

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