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Who gets to decide (morally) on how savings for a child gets spent?

(20 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Twillow Thu 19-Oct-17 01:09:45

Saved up a sizeable sum for our child for university etc. The account is held in my name. Now divorced. ExH is now muddying the waters (perhaps because he's furious at what he sees as the terribly unfair 50:50 settlement) saying now the child is 18 is their money to spend as they wish.
Advice or comments re similar situations, please!

LornaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 19-Oct-17 11:19:45

We're just sending this over to chat for the OP.


scootinFun Thu 19-Oct-17 11:23:04

If the purpose of the account was to find uni then tell your child so. If they choose to blow it in something else make them aware that there is. I more funding available.

scootinFun Thu 19-Oct-17 11:23:32

There is NO more funding
Bloody autocorrect

TempStamos Thu 19-Oct-17 11:31:39

So you saved money for your child and your ExH thinks that once they are 18 the money is their’s to do what they want with? What do you think?
Tbh I agree I have saving accounts for all of my DC, the money is transferred into their name at 18 and so is their money to do what they want. My eldest went to uni but my 14 year currently doesn’t want to, if he decides to travel or even do nothing with the money that would be fine.

nocake Thu 19-Oct-17 11:35:29

If the account is in your name and there are no legal arrangements in place then it's your money and you can do what you want with it. Your ex has no say whatsoever.

I wouldn't give a large amount to an 18 year old with no strings attached.

Kpo58 Thu 19-Oct-17 11:36:06

I wouldn't let the child know about the savings unless they need them. The child may not want to go to uni, so it could be left until they need it for something else (like a house deposit).

I suppose it depends in the end what the child is like with money. Are they the saving kind or would they go though money like water?

OuchBollocks Thu 19-Oct-17 11:38:09

If you saves your money in an account in your name then imo it's up to you what to do with it. I have friends given lump sums at 18 and they pretty much all wasted and frittered it.

MonkeyJumping Thu 19-Oct-17 12:00:21

Several of my friends got large sums at 18, and they all wasted it - they regret it now!

Money was saved for a specific purpose, so morally I think you're entitled to control it and make sure it is only spent on that. So you can make sure it's spent on uni, or decide for yourself whether you want to fund something else.

LemonysSnicket Thu 19-Oct-17 12:16:50

If it was to pay fees then tell him that. If it was to support him through uni give him a monthly stipend to spend as he wishes - that way he can’t blow it all x

Twillow Thu 19-Oct-17 12:50:43

They know about it. And are not going to Uni. Honestly don't know if they would waste it or not. Originally they were pleased and cautious, but now asking for some of it for reasons that hadn't been in the original plan. Wish I'd never bothered tbh as it's causing huge upset.
The exH is just shit stirring and sadly seems to enjoy the opportunity to cause conflict between me and our children so not able to have any meaningful discussion with him about it.

scootinFun Thu 19-Oct-17 13:01:26

If they aren’t going to uni put it in a long term deposit

sinceyouask Thu 19-Oct-17 13:04:10

I think it's the child's, tbh.

Tilapia Thu 19-Oct-17 13:06:01

What was “the original plan” for how it could be spent and what is the DC now asking for?

I would be worried that they would waste it... but at the same time, this is an age where they often need financial support.

I’d recommend a sensible discussion with your child and agree some ground rules for the money. Try to ignore your ex as much as possible as it doesn’t sound like he is helping the situation.

Viviennemary Thu 19-Oct-17 13:08:21

If the account is in your name only then it's your money . Don't hand it over to your 18 year old to fritter away. Save it for the future, a house deposit or something like that.

Anecdoche Thu 19-Oct-17 13:12:08

tell your child that it is not in fact their money. it is your money that you had put aside with the intention of being able to help them go to university.
they are not going which is fine but that doesn't make it their money.

it makes it your money which is now not needed for uni.

now you are more than willing to help out with a deposit on a house or some other sensible adult life thing but it is not their piss up a wall fund and never was.

TeenTimesTwo Thu 19-Oct-17 13:25:39

If not going to uni then I would think reasonable uses could be
- driving lessons
- first car
- rental / mortgage deposit
- gap year if well planned and useful
and not much else

Evelynismyspyname Thu 19-Oct-17 13:41:25

It is the child's morally I think - but that doesn't mean they should necessarily be able to blow it all on partying or whatever. You need to talk to the adult child as your ex is just shit stirring, and agree what the money is for. Perhaps hand over some now and put the rest into an account with a 3 month wait to withdraw, or even a high return account where the money will be released in say 3 years time.

If you and your ex both contributed to the savings has it been included in the assets of which you kept 50% or is it additional?

Evelynismyspyname Thu 19-Oct-17 13:42:41

Account should be in adult child's name though - if you were run over by a bus it'd go into the general pool of your assets otherwise.

Twillow Thu 19-Oct-17 14:15:20

Evelynismyspyname it's additional but have signed conditions i.e. not to use it for my benefit which I agree with.

If run over by bus all my assets jointly shared with children so not a problem. Bring it on, bus, tbh atm.

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