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Have I caused dp depression?

(50 Posts)
littlemonkeyfound Tue 17-Oct-17 07:13:52

He seems to think I have. He told me this in a conversation we had yesterday. Basically 5 years ago he had a psychotic episode which resulted in him going to hospital. At this time we had 3 month old twins and I’d never experienced anything like this before. He hadn’t told me about his underlying mental health problems at this point so I was really confused and scared when it was happening. I feared for my babies as it was all very scary. He has since told me I should have done more to help him then and that I was stupid not to have seen the warning signs and I could have helped prevent this if I tried! Bearing in mind I was still struggling coping with young baby twins and like I said I had no Idea he was mentally ill. That sounds stupid but I really had no idea what to do. Now 5 Year’s on he suffers from depression and has admitted im the one who has caused it as I do nothing to help his mental health. We have since had another set of twins who are now 11 months old. My brain feels like it’s going to explode with all the pressure I’m under. I feel so awful the thought that I’m causing his illness but at the same time I’ve had no support from any healthcare workers regarding his illness. It’s bloody hard work caring for 2 sets of twins also and I feel like I’ve made him ill now. I’ve asked him to see his doctor but he says there is nothing they can do. He seems to think I have to sort it all myself sad

Wolfiefan Tue 17-Oct-17 07:24:03

You didn't cause it.
He needs to take responsibility for his own MH. He MUST see his GP. Or frankly leave. Of course they can help.

AliceWhatsth3Matter Tue 17-Oct-17 07:27:13

How exactly is it your responsibility to sort out his mental health problems? As well as raising your 4 little children.

He is clearly shifting all responsibility for his problems onto you. It isn't your fault or responsibility to "sort out". Be supportive and encouraging, perhaps, although I can see doing that as well as raising your children will take a heavy toll on your own mental and physical health.

If he is suffering from depression I expect it does seem too much for him to shoulder that responsibility but only he can do it. You can't take medication for him, have therapy for him or anything else. You can be encouraging, work with him perhaps but the ultimate responsibility is his.

He doesn't sound very kind to you at all, blaming you and expecting you to have the skills of a mh worker. Maybe that is his illness speaking but I am very uncomfortable with it. Your primary responsibility is to care for your children, who cannot care for themselves. So you need to care for yourself in order to do that.

You need some outside support to help you get some perspective on this. Do you have good friends or supportive family? Does your partner.? If not or maybe as well, I'd speak to a health care professional, maybe your gp. Bearing in mind, if they think you are coping they may just give you some minimal encouragement so it remains your problem not theirs.

AdalindSchade Tue 17-Oct-17 07:30:02

Wow. Fuck him, to be honest. He concealed his mental health difficulties from you when you got together, blamed you for his breakdown and continued to have children with you despite this all?
You also chose to have another baby/ies with him after you were aware of the issues which was a questionable decision but it still doesn't mean you're responsible for his mental health.
In your shoes I'd be leaving to be honest.

littlemonkeyfound Tue 17-Oct-17 07:32:54

Neither of our families are very supportive mainly because he downplays his illness to them. It’s only me that knows how ill he can get and he gets embarrassed letting other people know. That’s the problem as he expects me to help him but without any help for me from anyone who knows how to help (if that makes sense). He wouldn’t have even told me about his illness if he didn’t have that psychotic episode 5 years back.

gamerchick Tue 17-Oct-17 07:33:43

He’s shifting the blame onto you so he doesn’t have to take responsibility and you’re taking it out of guilt.

His mental health is NOT your responsibility. Do not take the blame anymore. Tell him you’ll support him in him helping himself but you can’t and will not do it for him. You have to be firm.

It’s very hard supporting an adult with mental health issues and it’s essential you have support yourself or your own will suffer. 2 sets of twins on top and you’ll burn out.

littlemonkeyfound Tue 17-Oct-17 07:34:42

I wouldn’t want to leave him as if he got really ill I would blame myself for not being there to support him. Even though he says I don’t do that anyway!

gamerchick Tue 17-Oct-17 07:36:07

You may have to though OP. To protect your children’s childhood and their future mental health. If he just wants to lay blame and not help himself it leaves little in the way of options for you.

sandgrown Tue 17-Oct-17 07:37:05

My DP blames me for his depression which he was being treated for before I met him. I think it dates back to childhood issues. He is also "poor me" about his ex-wife leaving him despite the fact he had an affair! You are absolutely not to blame . Your DP needs to take responsibility for his own MH and for helping to raise his children. I know how hard it is OP. Don't let him bring you down .

MrsZB Tue 17-Oct-17 07:37:24

It is not your fault. And he is not your responsibility.

Does he have medication and counselling?

thegirlupnorth Tue 17-Oct-17 07:38:05

Please go and see your GP and ask for some support and encourage him to seek help too. He must be struggling with his health and is shifting it to you in the hope it will go away. There is a long road to acceptance of a mental illness and he needs to take the first step. If it helps tell him what he wants to hear and say as he feels you've caused it you'd like to get help so that you can tackle it together.

magpiemischief Tue 17-Oct-17 07:39:44

If it got as serious as having psychotic episodes that is a difference in brain chemistry. It can be measured physiologically. You have not caused this just as you cannot cause someone to have blue eyes.

AliceWhatsth3Matter Tue 17-Oct-17 07:41:08

You must put your children first. They have no choice in this situation and he does even if he chooses to deny it.

They are much more vulnerable and living in this situation runs a very real risk of them being damaged by his refusal to get help.

Look for some outside support. You've taken a big step by posting on here, I know how hard it can be doing that alone.

whatathingtosay Tue 17-Oct-17 07:52:22


No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no, No, no.

This is NOT your fault.

Your DH is basically not taking responsibility for his own MH problems.

It is a hallmark of abuse to say that someone else "made" you depressed, just as it is to say that someone else "made" you lash out in anger and hit someone. We are all responsible for our own mental health, for seeking help when we need it, and for having the discipline to follow through with counselling and meds if we need them. A miserable relationship can be a context for MH issues, particularly where people struggle to have the self-determination to leave, but it isn't a cause.

You sound like a great partner and a superwoman mother - two sets of twins, WOW! Your DH is being awful.

littlemonkeyfound Tue 17-Oct-17 07:52:34

My dc are my main priority and always will be. My dp loves our children dearly but I do believe them growing up seeing him blame me will affect them. I worry every day that they will somehow inherit mh problems too.

Schmoopy Tue 17-Oct-17 07:53:29

He is not your responsibility.

You are not his nurse.

He cannot refuse to seek help for his condition and blame you for it's existence!

HermionesRightHook Tue 17-Oct-17 07:55:10

Depression like this, so severe, is a chemical thing, it's not something you can cause or prevent with cheery smiles. He already struggled with it without telling you - how the hell was that supposed to be your fault?

He wants someone to blame and I understand that but it can't be you and he needs to both deal with this himself and communicate properly with you as to how you can support him, with him being realistic about your as you BOTH have small children to care for - and given his attitude I guess that's all falling to you right now.

Depression can be a severe illness and we all need to make allowances in a caring and helpful way to out friends, family and colleagues who suffer, but you cannot be held responsible for it and he's being a dick to say that. "ill" and "arse" are not mutually exclusive categories.

cafenoirbiscuit Tue 17-Oct-17 07:58:55

No. He needs to own his own mental health.
Don't let him do this. My DF blamed me and my DM for his depressive episodes - if only we'd been a better wife/daughter etc and it's had a profound impression on me which I've had to fight inside myself for years. In the end I went NC - when I had 2 DCs under 16 months and it was still my fault - and he got help.
Look after yourself - and your 4 kids - you have enough to do!

DancesWithOtters Tue 17-Oct-17 07:59:15

Ffs. He is wrong, and an arsehole.

whitehorsesdonotlie Tue 17-Oct-17 08:02:02

What everyone else has said. Of course you didn't cause his MH problems! They are HIS responsibility. How dare he blame you for making him depressed? I think it's terrible that he didn't tell you about his MH issues beofre you had dc with him.

He needs to see his GP urgently.

Look after yourself and your dc.

Gazelda Tue 17-Oct-17 08:15:10

You’ve got 4 children under 5, and a DH who has MH illness. You need support, not blame.
See your GP and explain everything. If things don’t change at home, you are at risk of depression.

You didn’t cause his illness. He is unreasonable to blame you. He is unreasonable not to seek help for his illness which is affecting his family.

wowbutter Tue 17-Oct-17 08:17:06

You can't cause depression, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain.
His mental health difficulties can be exacerbated by others, but up ultimately, they are his to live with.
He needs a proper treatment plan, and help from medical staff.
I wouldn't know what a psychotic breakdown looked like in the early days, and he shouldn't blame you for not knowing. ThTs massively unfair, and symptomatic of his blame shifting.

magpiemischief Tue 17-Oct-17 08:18:23

To previous posters who say his mental health is his responsibility. Well, whilst that is true to a certain extent, I don’t think it is in his power just to make himself better. He has had a very serious illness and is still suffering from poor mental health. Whilst his depression is no one else’s fault it is not his own either. Playing the blame game really does not help with health conditions. Are we to have the deserving and undeserving sick now? Just like the Victorian attitude towards the deserving and undeserving poor?

Ploppie4 Tue 17-Oct-17 08:22:15

Depression is a very selfish illness. It’s all about his needs and never about yours. You had 3 month old twins yet he expected your support?! Absolutely riduculous!!! It’s easier for him to point the finger at you then deal with long standing mental health issues.

As a mother of two sets of twins, if he added hugely to your stress I’d ask him to leave. You are not a sacrificial lamb. He can get his own shit sorted.

Ploppie4 Tue 17-Oct-17 08:23:32

He needs to take responsibility for his own mental illness. It’s not your fault.

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