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If you eloped how much of a shit storm did you come back to?

(62 Posts)
sadandanxious Mon 16-Oct-17 11:45:35

We're seriously considering eloping and not telling anyone as we don't really get along with our families- DP's parents / family are alcohols who had a fight at his first wedding. My parents are stressful, judgemental and overly involved in wedding planning- well they were with my sister so I'm making an assumption they would with us too. I find them overbearing and struggle to get along with them.

I'm worried about the shit storm when we get back though as I know they'd be pissed off they weren't invited.

If you eloped without telling anyone about your plans, how did you tell people when you got back? How much of a shit storm was there?

juneybean Mon 16-Oct-17 11:49:51

My grandma hasn't spoken to me since we got married in January... However we sort of warned people like "we are getting married at the end of the month, just us" then just let FB do the dirty work by changing our relationship status grin

Wintertimes5 Mon 16-Oct-17 11:51:22

None really.

soberexpat Mon 16-Oct-17 11:52:49

i did and it was the best wedding ever. didn't tell a single soul.

not one single person was anything other than delighted for us.

we announced it on facebook from vegas smile

Kehichi Mon 16-Oct-17 11:58:03

Not in contact with my family, friends were really happy for us, his mum was/is still furious , "what will my family think" "you've embarrassed me" "people don't do that, they have big weddings" basically a year long rant about what obscure relatives will think of the lack of a big wedding confused and she still hasn't told them and refused to let us tell them. Basically every phone call starts with how embarrassed she is at the lack of a big wedding hmm
But I wouldn't change it... I just might of not told her that we'd got married!

sadandanxious Mon 16-Oct-17 12:07:21

Sorry to hear that juney about your grandma.

Kehichi that's awful about his mum. How did you tell her when you got back? Not saying that should make a difference to her response, just trying to figure out what's the best way of us announcing it.

Love the idea of announcing via Facebook grin

nightshade Mon 16-Oct-17 12:10:38

None...

It was a formality and excuse for a night away.

sooperdooper Mon 16-Oct-17 12:10:42

We didn't, although had a small wedding - my parents did! they booked the local registry office & went with 2 friends & my mums brother, think my great grandma was a bit put out for a while but everyone got over it smile

scottishdiem Mon 16-Oct-17 12:11:56

My DP and I did this for a couple of reasons. Just got married. Told my mum and dad on the day from a distance. Told DPs mum some several months later (she was the main problem, immigration issues a close second). My parents were fine with it and her Mum came round to the idea - but only to save face and make it look to her own friends that she approved I think.

Blackandpurple Mon 16-Oct-17 12:13:42

None at all. Fuck all to do with anyone else really is it?

sadandanxious Mon 16-Oct-17 12:16:01

I agree Blackandpurple

But I can just imagine my parents being seriously pissed off. Not sure how his family would react.

SuitedandBooted Mon 16-Oct-17 12:49:07

We just went to the Registry office with two friends. Friend 1 lent me her fab Vera Wang (not wedding) dress, and bought me a beautiful bouquet, friend 2 bought some bubbles to blow over us instead of confetti, and paid for dinner at a nice wine bar.

Great wedding, - we told family gradually over the next week or 2, no drama, (but I tend to ignore things I don't want to hear!).

I didn't change my name, and DH doesn't wear a ring. As we are seen as somewhat arty and "alternative" many of our friends assume we aren't married (as I discovered in the pub last week!)

Your life, your choice. You aren't living with them, so just ignore any complaints, and tell them it's the marriage that counts, not the ceremony.

sadandanxious Mon 16-Oct-17 13:50:51

That sounds fantastic SuitedandBooted

Chipsahoy Mon 16-Oct-17 13:54:00

None at all. Wouldn't stand for it if I did to be honest. Don't allow your family to have that sort of control in your life.
Eloping was about us. Best day ever

PJBanana Mon 16-Oct-17 14:06:57

Interesting to see the replies, we're also thinking about doing this OP, because my DP's parents and family will be SO overbearing if we have a 'big wedding'. Alas, I think they will throw a hissy fit if we elope.

All I'll say is, do what's right for you both. It's your day, nobody else's. I'm trying to keep this in mind!

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 16-Oct-17 14:21:34

Alas, I think they will throw a hissy fit if we elope.

But they will throw a hissy anyway wont they? When you dont agree with what they want for your big day, when you wont let them take over, when you choose the wrong bridesmaids/best man/church/colour scheme/flowers etc.

So, which would you rather have, a hissy fit and your own wedding your own way, or a hissy fit with your wedding their way and probably still a massive sulk for months afterwards because of some perceived slight......?

sadandanxious Mon 16-Oct-17 14:25:41

But they will throw a hissy anyway wont they?

That's a good point and applies to us as well as the pp

I think it's better to have the day we want, stress free and have the hissy fits when we get back than to have the hissy fits and stressful wedding.

Grittzio Mon 16-Oct-17 14:45:30

We did this and don't regret a thing, slightly easier for me as my mum would have only ever been at my wedding in spirit, my dad remarried and couldn't give a hoot but DH mum refuses to talk about it to this day and we've been married 19 years. I think it's easier than having a small wedding, you get to piss everyone off and not a select few, no one feels left out, we did exactly as we wanted and believe me had we had a wedding to please DH's parents it would not have been what we wanted, I would have had to make do as they are so thrifty they wouldn't have wanted to help make it special anyway. Do it!

SingingSands Mon 16-Oct-17 14:57:23

Do it.

Family issues can still surface at big traditional weddings too, sometimes worse than if it was presented as a done deal.

I’ve wished a hundred times over that we had eloped!!

I’ve known 3 couples and been delighted for them every time. I know my brother is seriously considering it and I’ve given him my opinion on the quiet - do it!!

MrsWicket Mon 16-Oct-17 16:18:21

My sister got married on the quiet a few years back, and then rang me at work to tell me. I wouldn't have been bothered except our older sister and husband we're their witnesses. What's wrong with that?

I'm her twin.
And she got married on our birthday.

It hurt, and we haven't really seen much of each other since.

sadandanxious Mon 16-Oct-17 16:21:38

Ouch that's harsh MrsWicket!! I can understand why you're hurt. Eloping and inviting nobody and getting two random witnesses is one thing, inviting your one sister and not your twin is another and it was really unfair of her sad were you close beforehand?

keepstum Mon 16-Oct-17 16:33:05

You write as though you had to tell them immediately after you got married - you don't. We got married without telling anyone except our witnesses, and didn't make any kind of announcement. If your relatives would make a fuss, it's perfectly fine just to let them carry on assuming you're still not married. (We told our relatives at various points when we saw them, and friends mostly just when it came up in conversation that we were a long-term couple who weren't married - "actually, we are"!)

It's your business. Some people like to see marriage as a chance to make a declaration in front of their whole community that they're married, and that's fine for people who want that, but it's optional.

squishysquirmy Mon 16-Oct-17 16:34:01

My mum and step dad married in the local registry office with only two witnesses there, and with none of their children present. They didn't warn us - just came home at dinner time dressed up and announced they were married.

I was, and still am, hurt by it tbh. I didn't kick off or create drama or anything, but I don't understand why they did it the way they did. I understand them wanting a small wedding without much fuss but they could have invited us without spending any extra money. Or, they could have at least warned us that they were going to get married that day. We were teenagers so still living at home at the time.

So I think it depends on your family dynamic, and on your reasons for eloping and your reasons for not inviting family (eg, long haul location that would be a long way for relatives to travel etc).

MrsWicket Mon 16-Oct-17 16:34:18

I thought we were, sadandanxious. We've spoken and met up a few times since, but we're not as close as we were. There is a definite awkwardness iyswim

Hedgehoghogger Mon 16-Oct-17 16:35:32

Do you actually need to tell anyone?

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