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Major crisis at home. PILs go on holiday? WWYD?

(147 Posts)
PinkCloudDweller Tue 26-Sep-17 10:31:54

We are going through a really hard time at the moment. My DH has developed this condition that has reduced his mobility progressively. He has been bed-bound for 10 days now and is in a lot of pain. Luckily this is not a permanent thing, so in time he should get better. I work full-time and have 3 young children. I have my own health issues and am undergoing tests to rule out a serious condition.

In the middle of all this, my PILs - who live locally - decided to go on a last-minute holiday abroad and they are back next week. I feel so upset. I don't understand why they don't want to see how difficult this is for all of us. I'm full of resentment and can't imagine forgetting this any time soon.

I want to talk to them when they're back and tell them how hard this has been. But why exactly do I want to do it? Will it solve anything? Will it create a much greater rift between us? Is it worth talking about it just to get it out of my chest?

They are normally very bad at communicating and take offence extremely easy. WWYD?

scurryfunge Tue 26-Sep-17 10:34:21

Did you ask them for help?

PinkCloudDweller Tue 26-Sep-17 10:35:16

It's just that I feel I can't count of them even for something so major. I know I'm not entitled to their help, but surely family should be around at times like this?

PinkCloudDweller Tue 26-Sep-17 10:35:56

Yes. I didn't ask them to put off their holiday though

scurryfunge Tue 26-Sep-17 10:36:52

Perhaps they see you as coping and do not want to interfere?

PinkCloudDweller Tue 26-Sep-17 10:37:16

Also, I accept maybe I should have spelt out how hard things have been. But they've seen their sin unable to leave the bed even to go to the toilet.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 26-Sep-17 10:39:05

Will it create a much greater rift between us? What's the back story?

PinkCloudDweller Tue 26-Sep-17 10:39:07

Maybe. However:

- I work full-time
- I have 3 little kids
- I am not well myself

Surely anybody can see this is hard? They've seen me in tears about it.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Tue 26-Sep-17 10:39:36

I realise that it is really hard for your family at the moment but your PIL don't owe you anything. They didn't choose to have the three children. Yes it would be lovely if they did help but maybe you need to look to others and do some reciprocal childcare - would you mind taking Jonny to school and I will pick them both up and bring them home. It would be different if they had said 'move here and we will do lots of babysitting' but in the absence of that while their help would be nice it is not obligatory. We haven't had any family help at all in the 12/13yrs of parenting. It is just the way it is sometimes. I probably would want to help my dc more with our grandchildren, but I would feel annoyed if it was expected or if I went away then I was resented.

Penfold007 Tue 26-Sep-17 10:40:06

I say this very gently, the harsh truth is your PILs are under no obligation to help. It doesn't sound as though your relationship with them is easy or supportive so it's unlikely to change just because their DS is ill.
I'm really sorry you and your family are having such an awful time currently, hope things soon change.

hackmum Tue 26-Sep-17 10:40:25

It depends. What outcome do you want and what's the likelihood of achieving it? Presumably your ideal outcome is:

1. They say, "We're really sorry. We see how hard it is for you and we won't do it again."

But is it more likely that:

2. They'll get angry with you and you all have a big fight and end up not speaking?

3. They won't get angry but they'll go off into a big sulk?

TheClacksAreDown Tue 26-Sep-17 10:41:17

If they had been here what help would you have been looking for from them?

PinkCloudDweller Tue 26-Sep-17 10:41:51

Well, we get on reasonably well but we don't have much in common. Nothing major has ever happened, but I guess we've never warmed up to each other. We've always been on speaking terms .

Vanillamanilla1 Tue 26-Sep-17 10:41:52

Have you asked for help ?
Do they think you are coping well by yourself ?
What do you mean by creating a " greater rift " ?
If they know he will get better like you say perhaps they don't realise how ill he actually is ?

Loopytiles Tue 26-Sep-17 10:42:51

Sorry you're having such a rough time, but you should assume help won't be available from PIL and plan accordingly.

Loopytiles Tue 26-Sep-17 10:43:12

What specific help did you ask for?

PinkCloudDweller Tue 26-Sep-17 10:44:38

I think you're right. They don't owe me help. I know. It's just I struggle to see why they don't want to give it - things like collecting the kids from school would help a lot.

I know. I'm exhausted and perhaps i just want to blame someone x

BertrandRussell Tue 26-Sep-17 10:44:59

Have you asked them for help? The usual advice on Mumsnet is that pils should never offer help and only help when asked.

If you've asked for help and they have refused and gone on holiday then you have a right to be angry.

ladyme Tue 26-Sep-17 10:45:12

I'd be so hurt if my parents or ILs didn't help in that situation too. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be awful to see your husband deteriorate to that point. I hope he recovers soon. Do you have any friends who can help out with the kids? If you were a parent in my class - even if I didn't know you very well - I wouldn't hesitate to help out in this kind of emergency, so ask for help if you need it, and be specific if you need to.

LemonadeWithACherry Tue 26-Sep-17 10:45:36

What crappy behaviour- my mil did similar.

Apart from anything else, I don't understand how they could enjoy a holiday when their son is so ill and the family is struggling. I would definitely tell them how you feel or the resentment will always be there, festering (I may be projecting somewhat).

Butterymuffin Tue 26-Sep-17 10:45:56

And this wasn't a pre-booked holiday, they knew about his illness and just decided to book and go anyway? Sorry but that is shit, no matter what people say about them having no obligations. My ILs wouldn't have done it, neither would my parents if it were my DH affected or me.

woodhill Tue 26-Sep-17 10:46:44

Hopefully when they are back they will help but then they probably relish their free time and retirement?

Peppashorse Tue 26-Sep-17 10:46:50

It's only on mumsnet I hear the grandparents don't owe you anything line. Most grandparents I know help their children out when they can. I would hate to see my dc struggle in the future.

Op I'd be upset as well. I'm in a similar situation with parents and in laws who can't be bothered to spend time with my dc, I wouldn't expect them to do childcare but it hurts that they don't want to visit much or have any involvement in our family life.

I dread me or dh being ill because we have no support and it's hard. I hope your dh recovers soon flowers

PinkCloudDweller Tue 26-Sep-17 10:46:52

And I have planned accordingly. I don't know, I can't imagine seeing my children so poorly and not wanting to be there. They get on with my DH.

I'm just so tired.

ladyme Tue 26-Sep-17 10:47:18

In terms of the ILs, I think I'd just say "I'm really finding it hard to cope. Can you help me by picking the kids up from school every day until DH is a bit better?" something specific like that anyway.

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