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Funeral Director Fuck Up (GRAPHIC)

(88 Posts)
TroubledTribble28 Sun 24-Sep-17 17:03:18

I'm extremely fucking annoyed right now. My dad died on Thursday 14th September (last week) of a heart attack, we only found him 3 days after he died so the circumstances are bad enough, there is a closed casket (not in a design that we chose)we were told he'd be in the hospital morgue until the funeral if we didn't put him in that pine coffin on Friday just gone. Now I've had my lovely vicar come to my house twice to ask me if the date had been chosen etc as the funeral directors hadnt told him it was Friday 29th September - we would have gone to dad's funeral only to find he had no vicar basically. Now I've been told there is no time for a eulogy because Friday 29th September only has a 9:45am 'slot'and we only have 20 minutes to do the whole service. It has to be that date that we do the funeral because everybody was informed when the stupid fucking directors called me to confirm the date so we can't have an earlier and separate church service. What the fuck do I do?!?! People have booked days off work and are travelling. My dad was a soldier and is supposed to have a military service with hymns and a flag draped coffin. I'm angry and devastated that he's gone, I'm hurt over my dads brother in law throwing a tantrum because he can't 'see' Dad and he's pissed off because I won't let him take dads hiking backpack (he has had dozens of black sacks full of dads things). Who acts like that??? Please someone tell me that they've experienced incompetent funeral directors that they've put right? sad

RainbowPastel Sun 24-Sep-17 17:07:04

Never heard of the body staying at the hospital mortuary before. The funeral directors always collect the body.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 24-Sep-17 17:08:19

That is terrible. When my dad died the funeral director was great and organised the church service and the crematorium. He would have organised flowers, newspaper, etc but we were able to do that.

Your dad's brother in law needs to wind it in - he's not even his brother and you are his child - you take precedence here.

Iwantawhippet Sun 24-Sep-17 17:11:33

Have the service at the church and just the cremation at the crematorium- in my family the crem is sometimes a private family service and funeral is at church. Ask the vicar to help with the problem.

Sorry for your loss.

Redglitter Sun 24-Sep-17 17:13:14

Why are the undertakers not collecting him immediately. When my dad died the undertakers went to the hospital within hours of us speaking to them.

I know it sounds strange but could you have a service after the crematorium. My brothers friend did this for both his parents funerals. Everyone went from the crem to church. My brother said it was a bit strange but a lovely service none the less. At least that way you can do the hymns and eulogy to suit you

LilaoftheGreenwood Sun 24-Sep-17 17:14:48

I'm so sorry, Troubled, this is awful and you should not have to be dealing with this.

All I can think is that you give the lovely vicar another call and pour your heart out exactly as you have done here and see if he can suggest something. I don't know what this might be, some kind of flexibility with the "slot", talking through what would need to happen to change the date, quite possibly giving the funeral directors a blocking (if vicars give bollockings!). You are grieving and in shock and need to lean on someone kind who can think through options for you.

For now ignore your dad's BIL's calls, you don't need to be dealing with that twattery as well.

andbabymakesthree Sun 24-Sep-17 17:20:19

Firstly until funeral directors has collected your Dad you could still engage another funeral director if you wished. Personally I would.

You could also rearrange date to enable you to have service you want. I know people have booked time off work but this can be rearranged. It's more travel tickets that would be problematic.

Can the vicar ask the other vicars in area for help with longer service or is it that there is something on afterwards.

andbabymakesthree Sun 24-Sep-17 17:21:31

Your dad's brother can visit him in chapel of rest if necessary when funeral director has him.

TroubledTribble28 Sun 24-Sep-17 17:22:11

Alot of emphasis has been made by the directors on dads body being upsetting, that the choice is ours but it isn't advised, that he has to be put in a sealed casket before he can leave the mortuary. I managed to have Dad taken to the chapel of rest on Friday just gone but they said to give Dad some dignity I won't be able to see him until Monday (in his casket of course). Are they fobbing me off? He's already there in his casket, I'm his next of kin and his closest relative in life. My head is a mess so I'm probably talking nonsense.

Redglitter Sun 24-Sep-17 17:26:50

If he only arrived at the chapel of rest on Friday then not being able to see him til Monday sounds about right. They need to prepare him before you can see him and I expect they only have staff on over the weekend to be contacted by families needing their services or going for viewings. The people who will prepare your dad probably won't be there at weekends. In this instance I don't think you're being fobbed off.

RainbowPastel Sun 24-Sep-17 17:27:14

As far as I am aware there are no rules about collecting the body in sealed caskets. My mum used to work overlooking the mortuary. Bodies would be collected in anything from a tatty van to a posh limousine. Sometimes just wrapped in a carpet/rug.

TroubledTribble28 Sun 24-Sep-17 17:27:48

Thank you for the brilliant advice above. My husband and I will discuss the possibility of a short church service on the same day either before or after cremation, my only concern about an earlier church service is my dads friend approached me and complained that 9:45am is far too early and he wasn't pleased, I could a without people telling me my fathers death is inconvenient right now.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 24-Sep-17 17:30:48

If you can do what others have suggested and split the church service and cremation. Or change the date. It seems a monumental task. And you will have to ring round everyone. People will do what they can to accommodate the change. I think you'll regret not getting it how you or he would have wanted. Funerals are a very important of saying goodbye.

blueandgreendots Sun 24-Sep-17 17:34:04

Sorry for your loss. Was your Dad's death referred to the Coroner/Fiscal? Just thinking of a reason that he would be at a hospital mortuary rather than go straight to a chapel of rest. This can happen even if a post mortem examination is not instructed. I hope you get the funeral sorted to be how you want it flowers

EvelynWardrobe Sun 24-Sep-17 17:36:09

I think you need to take a breath OP. Planning a parent's funeral is so awful; you're trying to make decisions based on what you think could be right, what they may have wanted, what will suit everyone else, what you can afford etc etc, all in the context of grieving.

If the undertaker hasn't already collected your Dad I would change company. Just say that it's important you see eye to eye and in this instance you'd be happier with someone else.

My mum was in the hospital for a few days before the funeral director could collect her, so perhaps it's not unusual.

Don't worry about the time, anyone who raises that with someone who has lost a parent is a dick.

Redglitter Sun 24-Sep-17 17:36:40

How rude!!! 0945 is a good time from yout perspective. My dads funeral was in the afternoon. It was the longest day ever waiting for it.

Before the crematorium might be too early though. You need to factor in travelling time between the 2 places. Even 15 mins travelling would mean your service would need to start at 0900. A service afterwards would allow a slower pace and ensure you got to include everything

TroubledTribble28 Sun 24-Sep-17 17:37:48

RedGlitter This is what I don't understand. Dad had not been embalmed, he was placed inside a sealed coffin and put in the chapel of rest on Friday, they don't need to prepare him as he is in the casket he will be cremated in. He will stay in the chapel of rest until his cremation, I can't think what they need to prepare if he's in a sealed casket?!? If that makes sense.
MummyOf it is the last physical thing I can do for Dad, so yes it really is very important to me and I want to get it right and do what I know he would want.
My vicar has been lovely and isn't constrained by time but the crematorium only allows 20 minutes per 'service', where the casket is brought in, music etc etc per funeral. It's the only crematorium in my area and the thought of rescheduling and then phoning back everybody again to tell them a new date fills me with dread and horror.
I should add that I'm pregnant and it doesn't seem to be progressing so there's additional stress and pain for me right now. I have no siblings etc to help with this.

LazyDailyMailJournos Sun 24-Sep-17 17:39:31

So sorry to hear about your Dad.

Don't be afraid to be blunt with the pisstakers:

Sorry if the time doesn't suit you. Perhaps you'd like to take over all of the funeral arrangements instead?

Sorry if not being able to help yourself to more of his stuff is inconvenient, but you aren't even a relative so perhaps you should stop being so grabby?

Serin Sun 24-Sep-17 17:39:51


So sorry that you are going through all this.

If you can't swap funeral directors can you get a different vicar just to do the service?

That is what often happens here when our regular vicar is away or poorly.

Rachie1973 Sun 24-Sep-17 17:40:12

When we cremated my FIL last summer we deliberately closed our eyes and our ears to what 'other people wanted'. He was my husband and SILs Dad and we demanded that they have what they wanted. My BIL and I fended off anyone else.

I sincerely would change Funeral Directors, choose another date that suits you and the length of time you need for the farewell you want to give him. If people can't make it then so be it. YOU do what YOU need to do.

Redglitter Sun 24-Sep-17 17:40:16

Ah right sorry I misunderstood. I was thinking you were going to see his body despite their advice and they were going to prepare him so you could. Apologies

Yogagirl123 Sun 24-Sep-17 17:40:58

So sorry for your loss, I am sure you could do without all this stress on top of everything, try not to worry it's Monday tomorrow, people will be back to work and I am sure it will be sorted out. Look after yourself in the meantime.

rockofages Sun 24-Sep-17 17:41:19

When my dad died we had a short service at the crem for close family and friends followed by a service st church. Obviously the coffin was not in church but we had a lovely photo of dad and some items of his. You could have the flag and some army items. This way round is becoming more popular and would allow you to have a eulogy and hymns, readings if your choice. It also avoids that awkward time when the church service is over, close people go to the crem and everyone else is hanging about waiting for them to return for refreshments etc. In your scenario the church service would be st about 10.30 which would then be a better time for everybody.

SnowBallsAreHere Sun 24-Sep-17 17:45:54

Sorry for your loss.

You don't have to have anyone at the crem with you. Particularly if it's only 20 minutes. Have just immediate family there and arrange a church service that suits you and the vicar. They do not have to be the same day at all. I think we had months between my grandfather's & IIRC dad kept his ashes in the car to talk to him until the service.

LunarGirl Sun 24-Sep-17 17:48:44

Sorry for your loss flowers
Is there any way you can have a church service on the 29th so the people who are travelling down can come, then change the date/time of the cremation and have it privately?

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