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Would you make dd go to this party?

(16 Posts)
Dancergirl Tue 19-Sep-17 13:43:25

Dd is 10, Year 6. She tends to be a bit anxious about things and only goes to parties, playdates etc if she knows the child well and feels comfortable.

She's been invited to a party by one of the girls in her class. This girl isn't one of dd's close friends but they seem to get on quite well. Think all the girls in the class are invited. I asked dd if she wanted to go, she said yes, I responded to the mum that dd would love to come.

Now we find out the party is a disco and dd is worrying and says she doesn't like discos. And apparently they're dressing up in party clothes, dd is going through a black leggings phase and doesn't have anything suitable. I can't exactly get to the bottom of what is worrying her, but personally I think it's a bit rude to accept an invitation and then back out so I want to encourage dd to go anyway.


Ragusa Tue 19-Sep-17 13:44:57

I'd try and talk to her about why she doesn't want to go, and come at it from that angle.

Probably not helpful, sorry.

But generally I agree, it's bad manners to accept something and then back out.

MrsHathaway Tue 19-Sep-17 13:45:25

I think at ten she ought to be old enough for you to say what you've said here.

"You like the birthday girl and the other guests. You said you wanted to go so we accepted. It's rude to accept an invitation and then back out so you need a better reason than that. What's the real reason?"

Children (and indeed adults) with anxiety need to get good at identifying their fears rather than allowing themselves to retreat the moment the limbic system sounds the alarm.

Dancergirl Tue 19-Sep-17 13:47:19

I agree mrshathaway I don't want to fuel the anxiety by allowing her only to do things in her comfort zone.

scrabbler3 Tue 19-Sep-17 13:49:07

I think she needs to understand that it's bad form to cancel without good reason and that sometimes you have to go to things you're not crazy about attending. This is a sound life lesson.

However, I'd look into what's behind this. If she has some kind of social anxiety, or concerns about her appearance, it is best to address it and work on it before secondary school next September.

ChilliMum Tue 19-Sep-17 13:51:36

It's difficult as only you know your dd well enough to know if making her go will worsen her anxiety.

Fwiw I have a dd who is 11 and I would probably make her go because I think it is rude to accept an invitation and then not go.

Life is full of anxious occasions and I would prefer to help dd find a way of managing her worries for example arranging for 1 or 2 of her closer friends to come over before the party, to get ready together and travel to the party together.

Oblomov17 Tue 19-Sep-17 13:51:42

Black leggings and a top would surely be fine for a disco.
She must try and verbalise what is really worrying her.

Is the mum nice? Ask her? Say dd was worried her clothes wouldn't be glitzy enough. Then it will be in the back ground of the mum to be aware.

Dancergirl Tue 19-Sep-17 13:57:50

scrabbler I don't think she has social anxiety, she loves her school friends and is happy to go to their parties and see them outside school. But she is very shy with people she doesn't know well. She's been at her dance school for 2 years and hasn't really made any friends. She's on the edge of a group of girls and listens in to their conversations but can't or won't contribute to the chat.

Mamabear4180 Tue 19-Sep-17 14:01:04

I definitely wouldn't force her but I'd have a good chat and see if I could encourage her. If she didn't know it was a disco then it's not unreasonable to back out. Was that not mentioned in the first place?

CorbynsBumFlannel Tue 19-Sep-17 14:02:17

TBH while I do think it's rude to back out of something you'd agreed to if gentle encouragement didn't work I'd let your dd be 'ill' and buy a nice present for the child and maybe offer to take them to the cinema or something with your dd at a later date.
If I agreed to attend something and later found out it would be something I'd hate Is probably make my excuses too.
Lesson learned though for your dd to ask what kind of party it is in future before rsvping.

Dancergirl Tue 19-Sep-17 14:35:24

The invitation was done via WhatsApp so no details given other than date and and time!

ftw Tue 19-Sep-17 14:38:56

Have you tried the 'how would you feel if X said they were coming to your party and then didn't show?' approach?

Tbh, I'm in two minds about whether that's worth a try because you don't want to give her another source of anxiety...

newmum129 Tue 19-Sep-17 14:44:18

I'd try talking to her as previous posters have suggested. If it's the dressing up that's causing her worry could you have a girly day and go out shopping together to find an outfit your DD would feel comfortable in?

Ttbb Tue 19-Sep-17 14:54:18

Nayve suggest that she goes but can feign a headache and leave after half and hour if she really doesn't want to be there?

Dancergirl Tue 19-Sep-17 14:56:31

newmum I think it's more than about the disco than the clothes. Clothes shopping with her has been a PITA recently because she's so fussy! I've given up suggesting stuff for her, if she wants to live in leggings and tops that's fine with me, she likes to be comfy.

KurriKurri Tue 19-Sep-17 15:06:57

I think I would go with the idea that it is rude to accept an invitation then back out - because that's quite important.

But I would give her suggestions as to how she can have some control over a situation where she is nervous. She doesn't have to dance if she's shy - she can just watch the others and listen to the music.
She can eat the nibbles and maybe talk to or sit with the girls he knows best.

And I would let her wear whatever she wants - from the last eleven year olds disco I saw (local primary end of term all the children walked down my road) the girls were wearing everything from leggings and t shirts, jeans and tops, to full on Audrey Hepburn fifties numbers by the look of it grin - I'd say anything goes.

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