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Dad is dead - practical advice required please

(45 Posts)
TroubledTribble28 Tue 19-Sep-17 11:58:15

Hello smile my apologies if the thread title upset anyone but the bereavement board is fairly quiet and full of grieving people whom I don't want to upset so I felt this topic was best.
Dad has died, 5 days ago to be precise and an autopsy is still underway. Dad rented and owned no car, shares or properties etc he left my mum 5 years ago but they're married legally. I've been his secretary for a long time and mum is out of the picture. She's an alcoholic and is abusive. She sent me a text saying I couldn't be at the cremation but er. .. I'm planning the entire service? I'm also phoning everyone necessary to sort out utility stuff. Does my mum have a legal right to stop me attending my dads' funeral when I arrange it? It sounds bizarre. She won't actually do anything to organise stuff that needs to be done because she sits in her flat and drinks. Nobody is contacting her with condolences etc as they were estranged, it's all coming through me. Is there anyone with legal advice? Or even practical advice on stuff to do? Thanks.

TroubledTribble28 Tue 19-Sep-17 12:00:22

Ooh I should add that I'm not a troll (who would troll about a bereavement?) I'm PicardsCombOver/AdmiralData if that means anything. Id rather not be called into question on Reddit at this time, I do like the Mntrolls sub though.

BulletFox Tue 19-Sep-17 12:01:44

Are they legally separated? I had a similar situation but couldn't do much as the separation wasn't in law.

I'm really sorry about your father.

Longdistance Tue 19-Sep-17 12:03:34

No, she can't stop you if you're planning it as well confused if she's not going to do anything, he isn't going to bury himself.

You'll need to get the death certificate to get the ball rolling once the autopsy has been done. Did he have any money for a funeral?

Floellabumbags Tue 19-Sep-17 12:04:23

I'm really sorry about your Dad flowers

Of course she can't ban you from the funeral, anyone can attend a funeral service. My advice would be to arrange the service he would have wanted and don't arrange transport for your mother. I expect she won't bother her backside if she has to put in the effort.

Longdistance Tue 19-Sep-17 12:05:18

Try here too www.gov.uk/after-a-death

Was really helpful as a guide and you can register everything after you get the death certificate.

So sorry about your father flowers

derxa Tue 19-Sep-17 12:07:30

Stop giving her power where she has none. If that makes any sense.

BulletFox Tue 19-Sep-17 12:11:59

Trouble is, she does, kind of confused

I went through all of this and fought for my father throughout several hospitals but although he'd finally left her it was intensely difficult trying to maintain his field, if that makes sense. They were still married.

AnotherEmma Tue 19-Sep-17 12:20:58

Sorry for your loss flowers

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/what-to-do-after-a-death/

Cameblackbenzleftwhite1 Tue 19-Sep-17 12:24:24

I'd just ignore the mum and carry on as you are. She's just looking for trouble

TroubledTribble28 Tue 19-Sep-17 15:02:24

Thank you all for the advice. I appreciate the link aswell! The coroner has given permission for his body to go to the chapel of rest so I can go and sit with him. A heart attack in his sleep apparently, he died in his sleep with his eyes closed - no suffering, I find comfort in that. My mums key worker at the mental health 'place' no idea of correct terminology I'm afraid! asked if I would allow her to be at the service so if nobody asks questions this might go smoothly. Thank you all again smile

Longdistance Tue 19-Sep-17 15:14:49

You'll be able to get the death certificate now, and get the ball rolling.

It is comforting to know he passed in his sleep. That's how my father passed in July flowers

endofthelinefinally Tue 19-Sep-17 15:18:13

The coroners assistant will advise you regarding the death certificate and funeral.
The funeral director will help you with everything else.
Let your mother know the date and time and leave it with her key worker.
Sorry for your loss.

FluffyPersian Tue 19-Sep-17 15:25:05

I'm very sorry about your Dad - I just wanted to say that my Father passed away 2 weeks ago and we only just got the autopsy results.

I'm helping my Mother organise the cremation and today have sorted out where we can hold a wake afterwards - I've had to work out what food and drink to consider and also wrote a rough list in Excel of who we think is coming (as you can imagine, you can never know exactly how many people are going). I've asked my Mother if I can speak at the cremation - I don't know if that's something you've considered? if you or another family member want to speak? I'd be happy to share the online resources I found if you would like them.

If you've not had the autopsy results yet, I believe you haven't had the death certificate? My mother got 10 copies as you need originals for a number of things - My Father didn't have a will, so my Mother is currently trying to identify all bank accounts / council rent / utilities etc as it all came out of his account - even things like mobile phone bills, Sky TV and internet need to be contacted. There was a PIN on his phone, but apparently Tescos mobile said they can unlock it for my Mother?

We've requested no black at the crematorium and no flowers, we'd rather have donations to the British Heart Foundation (as he died of heart failure). This morning, I actually wrote some text I could then copy and paste to family / friends who want to come to the funeral so everyone has the same information and I no longer need to think about it or make any extra effort.

I don't believe your Mother can stop you from coming - I'd continue to try and organise everything you can.

I'm sorry you're going through things too - It's a really tough time xx

FluffyPersian Tue 19-Sep-17 15:26:19

ETA: My Father also died in bed, in his sleep, of a heart attack - I'm sorry to hear it was so similar xxxxx

Floellabumbags Tue 19-Sep-17 15:42:51

flowers to all us who've lost our Dads. Mine also died in his sleep. He had COPD. It's been fourteen months and I'm still in bits.

Whenwillthesunshine Tue 19-Sep-17 16:41:17

Sorry for your loss
My dad died in his sleep 20 years ago now when I was 20, sometimes feels Like yesterday that I last saw him.
I hope everything goes as well as it can for you.xx💐

Oncandystripedlegs Tue 19-Sep-17 16:56:38

Most of the utility companies etc will deal with you if you have the death certificate. Was there a will ? My dad left his burial wishes in his which helped .

Did your dad have money to cover the funeral ? If he had no money and you are on certain benefits you may get some help . Funerals can be so expensive and it isn't the time you feel like shopping around for the best offer .

Sorry for your loss, I hope it all goes smoothly for you flowers

PavlovianLunge Tue 19-Sep-17 17:01:22

I hate to sound a sour note, but is your mother is liable to cause a scene? If you think she might, can you line up someone to keep an eye on her and calmly usher her away, if needs be?

TroubledTribble28 Tue 19-Sep-17 18:51:54

The advice and general kindness on this thread is breathtaking, a balm right now. My mum is almost guaranteed to cause a scene but I also suspect this of several family members so I'm asking my dads former colleagues (bouncers) to be on shift as it were, it sounds ridiculous but there was trouble at my wedding and my biological family have no shame.
I could really really use any practical advice, websites on eulogy writing etc right now. I've made lists and phoned people but I can't seem to get my head in the right order. Tomorrow we go to register his death which makes it all easier, the busier I keep the less I think about how much this hurts.
I'm so very sorry for all your losses, truly I am, my mum was never keen on me and I have never loved a member of my family the way I love my dad. I can't even say I was a 'Daddys girl' (bleurgh) because I'm more like a son grin I hope he's proud that I'm fighting to keep a stiff upper lip when strangers are approaching me and crying.

TroubledTribble28 Tue 19-Sep-17 18:53:49

We're broke as church mice but Dad left cash in his house for his funeral, he didn't trust banks to tax his savings I'm assuming? There's no written plan but I swore to him years ago that he would have the military send off he has earned.

Kpo58 Tue 19-Sep-17 18:57:03

Find out if your dad paid into any pension schemes. There may be a possible payout and/or spouses pension due.

AlphaStation Tue 19-Sep-17 19:04:05

Sorry for your loss flowers
My only experience worth sharing is to keep a log book / notebook where you make entries of all contacts taken, subscriptions cancelled etc. Don't forget to check if you need to arrange for post being sent to your address instead. When dad died, we (that is: I) chose a cheap coffin made of particle board and borrowed an embroidered draping from the church which was possible where I am.

YBR Tue 19-Sep-17 19:24:48

Sorry for your loss flowers
When my dad died I spent a lot of time ringing round and had remarkably little difficulty transferring bills, insurance, TV licence and so on into Mum's name (they were still together so different situation). [Dad had looked after all the finances so Mum needed help to start with]

The Funeral directors were good and helpful, but I put the service together myself (lay preacher). Get people involved to help -
I'm sure they'd be delighted: We asked close friends to speak as family did not really feel up to it. We asked my FIL to lead the service (retired minister) and MIL offered babysitting (DDs18mo and 3yo).

Look at the probate process online so you know how many death certificates you might need, they're much cheaper if you get them when you register the death. I recall that you get them back but if there are a lot of institutions who want to see the real thing (not a scan) then it can slow the process waiting for them to be returned.

endofthelinefinally Tue 19-Sep-17 19:28:09

If your dad was in the military could you contact anyone to assist with funeral arrangements.
I am sure there is a system of friends and family support.
If your bio family are that bad I wouldnt tell them tbh.
A funeral is the last thing you can do for someone.
If anybody had caused trouble at my son's funeral I would have killed them with my bare hands.
As it was, all his friends rallied round and organised the wake. It was beautiful and a wonderful celebration of his life.
Your dad's real friends will want to help.

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