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New man and his daughter

(150 Posts)
OldPony Tue 19-Sep-17 10:02:54

I'm posting here so it will eventually disappear and I'm really struggling with how to word this.

I have been seeing a lovely man for about a year now, it's been a bit rocky but generally we're falling in love. The problem is that I feel really uncomfortable about his relationship with his adult daughter. I too have a daughter of a similar age, so initially I though this fact would bring us closer together, but the relationship they have is so different to anything I've ever experienced.

The issues are multiple texts between them every day (which he hides from me). Saying things like 'Morning gorgeous xxxxxxx'.
Multiple photos of her on his phone posing in her bikini.
if she needs anything ever, he will drop everything including walk out on dinner with me to take it to her. (She lives with her partner).
He puts on a silly wistful voice when he talks about her. A bit like a boy in love (vomit).

Aside from all the above, I'm crazy about him and I don't want to end the relationship because I'm the one with issues and need to deal with it. He genuinely makes me so happy apart from this.

Josiah Tue 19-Sep-17 10:04:40

He sounds incredibly proud of his daughter and they have a great relationship.

You are worried it's not healthy?

ch24 Tue 19-Sep-17 10:06:25

That's not healthy that's a tiny big creepy if my dad sent me texts like that and had pictures like that I'd be like what the ???

Boulshired Tue 19-Sep-17 10:08:54

I think if you are questioning photos on your partner phone of his daughter then you have serious problems. If you are implying that it is seedy then it does not say a lot about your relationship. He is either a sick pervert or you think he is a sick pervert.

OldPony Tue 19-Sep-17 10:09:50

Well that's the thing. He is incredibly proud of her so I feel awful feeling uncomfortable, but my Dad would think I'd lost the plot if I sent him those texts.

Ellendegeneres Tue 19-Sep-17 10:11:36

Ew. I don't want my parents seeing me in bikini. That's so not cool.

Aside from that, if anyone left me during dinner for anything besides a medical emergency, they'd be gone.

OldPony Tue 19-Sep-17 10:11:37

What I want to hear is that some people do have relationship's with their Dads like that and it's perfectly normal, just different to my experience.

I should add that he is slightly Aspie so does miss social cues fairly often and is also extremely effusive and demonstrative with his love for me and how fantastic he thinks I am.

Boulshired Tue 19-Sep-17 10:13:36

In the days of selfies and pouting there is loads of people who share these photos.

maxthemartian Tue 19-Sep-17 10:15:14

That would creep me out completely.

I had a wonderful relationship with my father but I can't imagine him wanting a picture of me in my bikini!! A graduation picture or something would have been more the thing.

OldPony Tue 19-Sep-17 10:16:19

I don't think he's a sick pervert but I do think there may be slightly blurred boundaries beyond what is traditionally considered normal, but I'm hoping this is due to his Asperger's. Alkso hoping that just because I don't send my dad holiday pics of me in a bikini, that doesn't mean that other people don't do it.

OldPony Tue 19-Sep-17 10:18:00

She is in no way academic and works in fitness industry so maybe this is a type of alternative 'graduation pic?'

SandSnakeOfDorne Tue 19-Sep-17 10:18:46

Luckily there have been several recent posts from people with similar partner/stepdaughter issues! You can advance search to find them. It seems like it would be an unusual dilemma, but there seem to be quite a few of you on MN.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Tue 19-Sep-17 10:20:21

Anyone who walks out of a meal for less than an emergency is just plain rude.
Proud df or not. .
Have you met her? Do you spend time with her?

schoolgaterebel Tue 19-Sep-17 10:20:34

Explain more about how he walked out on dinner with you (this is the only part of your story I'm having a problem with)

OldPony Tue 19-Sep-17 10:28:21

She was unwell and it was more of a' OMG daughter needs XXX, can we eat up so I can go and get it for her.' It wasn't anything medical but more of a luxury food item.

I was a bit WTF and did actually end it with him as this was early days. We then got back together as we missed each other and he explained he was worried about her. And I'm a mug.

SimplyNigella Tue 19-Sep-17 10:29:55

Walking out of dinner for a non-emergency is incredibly rude, I wouldn't want to date a man who did that.

OldPony Tue 19-Sep-17 10:31:57

I have met her once and I thought she was lovely. Really lovely woman. but since then she hasn't wanted to see me again as he was so upset when I dumped him over the above incident.

Fine by me, she's a grown up and we don't need to have a relationship. But it did hurt a bit when on his birthday I offered to buy us all lunch including her partner and my dd, but she declined.

schoolgaterebel Tue 19-Sep-17 10:33:09

I wouldn't worry about the texts and photos, it's a bit full on but people do have different types of relationships.

I would, however, put your foot down to any more rude behaviour like rushing your dinner to leave for her (except for emergency of course) set boundaries now.

Peachyking000 Tue 19-Sep-17 10:34:16

Sorry but I have to ask - is she definitely his daughter?

Peachyking000 Tue 19-Sep-17 10:35:29

I didn't mean that to sound off - just I had an ex with a "cousin" like that, who actually turned out to be one of his exes

schoolgaterebel Tue 19-Sep-17 10:36:24

I was going to predict a difficult relationship on the cards between you and her, and just read your update and seen that this is the case.

She will not like sharing her DF's attention and she will take every opportunity to show she's in charge.

Out if interest did he forfeit seeing her on his birthday to see you instead (after you kindly offered to include his whole family)?

OldPony Tue 19-Sep-17 10:38:20

Yes definitely! I think he just and sees her as the most wonderful thing he's achieved in a fairly turbulent life.

I'm so relieved about the pics and texts, thank you!

intimeandspace Tue 19-Sep-17 10:39:47

Pony, I think I get where you're coming from. I had a similar experience when I was dating a really fantastic guy in every respect...apart from the relationship with his THREE daughters ranging from teens to early 20s. Constant texting, Pavlovian response any time he phone beeped day and night, interrupted conversations, mealtimes, days out. I put my foot down and just said what I say to my son- no phones at the table when we're eating but it was all pervasive.
Lots of posey photos dad and daughters with them draped all over him, lots of needy behaviour when there was no emergency, and constant drama and "yanking his chain".

It was just too much in the end. Which is a shame, but I was starting to feel constantly fourth in his pecking order. Which is not a place I like to be grinwink

Tessticklesyourfancy Tue 19-Sep-17 10:40:20

They sound a bit too reliant on one another is her mum still around , how old is she? If she lives with a partner I'd be surprised if he didn't have some issues about it too.

OldPony Tue 19-Sep-17 10:41:08

She cooked for him on his birthday and I went out for lunch with my daughter and the dog!

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