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how do i handle this? or do i ?

(22 Posts)
stillvicarinatutu Wed 13-Sep-17 18:09:14

i have 2 adult children and i left dh when dd (youngest) was 17 and off to uni. eldest had already left home. dd dropped out of uni and went home to her dad and family home after the first year. i thought she would be ok. i had met someone and couldnt bear the thought of an affair. dd is now 20 and i live with my new partner. they get on ok but its obvious there are a lot of issues around me leaving her dad. she feels like i left her. my ex dh and i get on really well still and the split has been really amicable. ive left him the house and taken nothing. we had joint debt but i pay the lions share and am happy to do that because he is now on one income.
today i suggested that dd might like to contribute more than the £100 she pays to her dad for board - she works full time. (she is 20 and on around £17k a year)
she stormed off and shut herself in her room in tears. she says i know nothing about her life and she is saving up for a house deposit etc etc. and its my fault her dad is on one income anyway. i feel terrible but i know she gets away with murder financially - her dad takes 100 a month and she taps me for money and i pay out of guilt. we are having a girly break next month - i paid. at xmas and birthdays she sends me a list of what she wants and i just get it because i feel so awful im not there for her anymore on a daily basis.
dont get me wrong she is a really really lovely girl. i know me leaving hurt her terribly and i suppose i try to make up for that by doing things for her and paying for the things she wants and the things we do together. but i now her dad struggles and she pays him £25 a week board from a 17k salary. she says the tumble dryer is broken and i know ill end up buying one for xmas. her heart really is in the right place (she sent him to italy for his birthday knowing he couldnt afford a holiday and i paid his passport and spending money)
abiu and unfair to think she could pay a bit more board? ex dh says its fine but i know he struggles and i feel awful but she says its my fault they are in that position. its so difficult.

Ttbb Wed 13-Sep-17 18:12:47

I think that this is very much between the two of them. If you feel so strongly about it stop giving her extra money. She left home. It was unreasonable for her to expect you to say in an unhappy marriage indefinitely once your children had left home.

stillvicarinatutu Wed 13-Sep-17 18:18:22

i think the problem is my leaving was a shock - very much out of the blue. ex dh and i are still best of friends and she didnt have a clue there were any issues between her dad and i as husband/wife. as friends we were great and i suppose i could have lived that way a lot longer if i hadnt met dp.

stillvicarinatutu Wed 13-Sep-17 18:19:52

ive come home and send a message of apology to dd - she has replied but i feel awful.

PantPlot Wed 13-Sep-17 18:27:04

Step back... and maybe detach a little bit?

Amicable is great but it can go a bit too far.

Reading your OP, it's almost like you describe your daughter as being more adulty than your ex (she earns xxx, he 'struggles'. She 'sent' him on holiday, you paid his spending money etc.)

Truth is they're both grown ups- he can fight his own battles, if he says it's fine respect that and let him get on with it. She doesn't get to tap mum all the time, and contributes to her household tumble dryer if it's deemed necessary.

Honestly, I think you'd be doing both a favour- don't feel guilty!

Pancakeflipper Wed 13-Sep-17 18:28:53

I think you are right about you leaving and it being a shock to her and she feels you left her.

My aunt left the family home then later had a relationship with the man she felt attraction to. My cousin knows why her mum did it but she says illogically she still feels her mum left her and struggles to accept what happened. She's not always made things easy for my aunt and my cousin's pain is hard to watch. My cousin says if her dad had left her she'd have felt the same.

I'd not interfere with the issue of money and her dad. That's for them.

Quartz2208 Wed 13-Sep-17 18:32:25

ok I think there are two issues at play here and two relationships you and your ex and you and your daughter.

Truthfully it sounds like you have always baled out your ex husband and are continuing to do now (letting him have the house/taking on the joint debt) and are now passing that onto her. It is between her and her father what she pays. He is a grown man on an income he should be able to support himself in the house without her help or she should not be in it. You feel guilty because he struggles because you left well yes that is between you and him, she is separate to that and should not be responsible for assuaging your guilt.

Then you and her. She feels you left her because you did (she had not left home yet). But you need to stop that guilt by giving her money when what she wants is your time.

Has it ever occurred to you she dropped out because she feels responsible for her dad, a viewpoint you are reinforcing but asking her to pay more. You left her and your marriage because you met someone else (you in effect had an affair).

What you need to do is to tell her she is not responsible for your Ex - he is.

That you did not leave because of her but accept you did leave her and her feelings around that are valid

Stop trying to assuaged your guilt with money both to your Ex and to your daughter

stillvicarinatutu Wed 13-Sep-17 18:35:20

i lived for my kids and i feel like if traumatised her for life by going hen i did. but she also says she isnt marrying her bf till shes 30 and will live at home till then.
thats another 10 years. if id not met dp i guess i could have gone on like i was for another 10. or more. things changed for her and she has struggled with it and im so torn now because its hurt her.

stillvicarinatutu Wed 13-Sep-17 18:38:09

prblem is that had she not paid board and i paid debt he would have had to sell and its HER home. she didnt want to leave it.

stillvicarinatutu Wed 13-Sep-17 18:39:58

she had just about left home when i left - she was going to uni.

RandomMess Wed 13-Sep-17 18:42:04

Lots of parents have to downsize if they split or when child(ren) leave home. You and her Dad need to grow up and sort the situation out, sell the marital home and move into something cheaper!

Quartz2208 Wed 13-Sep-17 18:44:04

The thing is if he cant afford it on his own he cant afford it. You leaving may lead to the selling of the house but that is the consequence and one you are all going to have to accept.

But her board cannot be what keeps it afloat though.

She is 20 I think she may have to face up to the real life reality of not being able to stay in her home - for her that is the reality of what has happened.

Your fear is that will traumatise her and yes it might and yes it might cause harm to your relationship but you all need to start accepting that you did leave and the consequences that fall from that

stillvicarinatutu Wed 13-Sep-17 18:52:53

i dont want him to lose the house. he wont get another mortgage. i dont want him to lose the house or have to rent. he can just about manage and id sub if it meant losing the house. the mortgage is paid off in a few years. its not worth losing it to go to rented.

RandomMess Wed 13-Sep-17 19:18:32

Can he not downsize or extend the mortgage term?

Smaller place is cheaper to run, less council tax? Rent the spare room out to a lodger?

NoSquirrels Wed 13-Sep-17 19:22:31

He wouldn't need to go to rented - do what the vast majority of people divorcing do, sell the family home & he can buy somewhere smaller & cheaper with his share of the equity.

stillvicarinatutu Wed 13-Sep-17 19:29:01

our situation is different. we have an IVA. we are financially insolvent. one step away from bankrupt. he nor i can get another mortgage.

stillvicarinatutu Wed 13-Sep-17 19:30:23

we chose an IVA to save the house so he can live in it and the kids get something when we die.

Quartz2208 Wed 13-Sep-17 19:36:30

yes but that is your situation as a couple its unfair and unrealistic to make your daughter cover that, yes she should pay rent but if she is covering stuff she cant move out or suffer a change in circumstance

stillvicarinatutu Wed 13-Sep-17 19:38:10

i know and i wouldnt ask them to cover it. it was whether 25£ a week was reasonable board when she is 20 and earning £17k a year really - not whether she should cover

NoSquirrels Wed 13-Sep-17 19:45:27

How long does the IVA have to run? They're usually over 5 years, and presume you've done at least half?

How much equity is in the house?

If you sold it, and made a Full & Final settlement offer on your debts, would there be enough fur him to buy somewhere smaller (2-bed flat) outright?

To be perfectly honest, your DD had no "right" to live at home for another 20 years, your ExH has no "right" to stay in the house I selling is more sensible- but neither do you have any "right" to interfere in his financial arrangements with his DD if she co-habits.

All your boundaries are totally blurred, and it would help you all to move on by selling the former family home and beginning again.

Quartz2208 Wed 13-Sep-17 19:45:46

but that is simplyfying a very complicated situation and you have not answered the do you think she feels responsible for her dad (dropping out of University, paying for the holiday etc)

RandomMess Wed 13-Sep-17 19:57:23

What is the going rate for a room in a shared house around there?

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