Advanced search

Threads in this topic are removed 90 days after the thread was started.

If Animals Used Mumsnet...

(94 Posts)
MumBod Sat 17-Jun-17 11:13:32

A Praying Mantis on the Relationships board, for example.

"I hope you wise ladies can tell me what to do. I've met a guy and I really like him. Like, really like him...anyway, we were getting ahem, close, last night and I had to stop because, well, I'd have to eat him afterwards, and I really like having him around. Would it be ok to shag him and not eat him afterwards? I mean, no-one would have to know, would they, and I know he wouldn't tell anyone..."

MumBod Sat 17-Jun-17 11:16:15

Or a lion.

"How many meals can you get out of the average antelope?"

"Well, we just have it fresh on a Sunday, then on Monday we'll use it for a picky lunch, Tuesday the kids gnaw the marrow out of the bones, by Wednesday a lot of the meat scraps are getting a bit dry so they're all right for the kids to just chew on..."

Comealongpond89 Sat 17-Jun-17 11:27:43

A caterpillar.

I don't know what's wrong with me! I just can't stop eating! I can see myself getting fatter and fatter but I can't stop. WIBU to just wrap myself in a blanket and sleep for 2 weeks hoping it resolves itself?!

MumBod Sat 17-Jun-17 11:41:17


MumBod Sat 17-Jun-17 11:46:35

A dog.


" Every day for every meal it's the same thing. Brown pebbles. Brown pebbles in the morning, brown pebbles in the evening. So, the other day, DO (Dear Owner) left a bacon sandwich on the chair arm when she went to answer the door, so I ate it. Well, what did she expect? She gives me nothing but brown pebbles, while she has all sorts of nice stuff. I was hoping she would get the message and maybe give me something different for a change, but no. I just got a bollocking and then tonight we're back to the fecking brown pebbles.

So, WIBU to eat the sandwich?"

Comealongpond89 Sat 17-Jun-17 12:21:43

A cat.

I am fuckin fuming at DO right now. There I was having my 15th nap of the day in MY spot on the sofa when in comes DO and rudely wakes me up to move me so he can sit down. I mean seriously?! Who does he think he is?! So WIBU to LTB for a few days. Just long enough so he's worried I might be dead or something then march back in and reclaim my spot. It's about time he gives me the fuckin respect I deserve!

MumBod Sat 17-Jun-17 12:49:07


A seahorse.

I'm two weeks pregnant and absolutely pissed off with DW right now. She has no idea what it's like to be carting 1000 tiny seahorses around in her belly, and she keeps asking me to go for a swim. I don't want to go for a fecking swim. Every time I try I end up tipping forward onto my front and I feel like a right whelk. All I want to do is sit behind a rock and inhale plankton and cry. Any other expectant dads out there at the end of their tether?

helpimitchy Sat 17-Jun-17 12:54:54


I hate my servants, would it be unreasonable if I killed them by tripping them up on the stairs. Make it look like an accident wink

MotherOfBleach Sat 17-Jun-17 12:56:13

My dog:

AIBU to bark at every tiny noise out the back? I mean, okay, so the last million times, it was just the bin men, but this time it could be a burglar, right? Or someone with steak?

DO has started locking me inside and telling me to go bed every Tuesday now. One day, she'll do this and it won't be the bin men.

And the shop too. Every day at 3pm I get locked in my bed while the shop open their gates so I can't bark at them. Just because it's been the shop opening their gates every day for the last four fecking years, doesn't mean it's not the sky falling in this time?

I am NOT BU.

MumBod Sat 17-Jun-17 12:56:56

Reply to cat:

No, YWNBU, but is that really a good idea? Think it through. You'd be able to eat the corpses for a bit, but after that, who'd be there to wait on you hand and foot? Go out and get your Dreamies? Wash your bedding?

I think you would be better off just administering some light maiming, but keep them around. You can always just avoid them by sleeping all day and going out at night.

MrJohnsonAteMyCustard Sat 17-Jun-17 12:57:09

A snail.

AIBU to want to move house? I've been in this place for what seems like forever and frankly, it's become a bit of a burden. It's the same old same old, day after day. It's a tiny place too, only room for me in there. I don't mind shelling out if it means the kids can have play dates. It'd be a weight off my back if I could leave it behind.

ImLadybird Sat 17-Jun-17 12:59:20

These are so funny!

ElizaDontlittle Sat 17-Jun-17 13:00:00

My kitten:
AIBU to put my paws into everything my owner is trying to eat? I am only a baby, hasn't she heard of experiential learning? Now she's resorted to locking me out of the room she is eating in... how am I supposed to learn about all these things?

AIBU to use my owner as a human climbing frame? She's much more interesting than any old cat tree, and I don't mean to scratch. She just needs thicker skin, right?

MumBod Sat 17-Jun-17 13:01:19

An otter posts on Style and Beauty:

Does anyone else feel like their outward appearance doesn't match their personality?

It's really getting me down lately. I'm as hard as fecking nails, even if I do say it myself. I keep myself fit, I've got teeth like razors, I'm basically two foot of pure muscle. My claws can gut a fish in two seconds flat, no bother.

But thanks to my brown eyes and the fecking internet all I get is 'awwwwww'. Is it too much to ask to get a bit of respect round here? It's embarassing. The water voles take the piss something chronic.

How can I change my image?

tccat Sat 17-Jun-17 13:03:09

My Dog : I hate my owners going out, even for five minutes, so have decided to go and piss on their beds every time they leave
Owner has threatened to turn me into a Davy Crocket hat if I do it again, aibu to phone RSPCA?

DirectMe Sat 17-Jun-17 13:03:45

My DO is so fucking unreasonable. Every evening I head out into the garden to fetch her a present. She clearly wasn't happy with the birds I brought in the first few times. Fair enough, they were baby birds I had just snatched out of the nest and barely even had feathers, but I was only a young cat and getting used to the whole hunting thing.

I'm five now, and have worked really hard at honing my skills. To date, I have brought in birds, mice, rats, toads, and even a bat! But no, she still isn't happy. I upped my game recently and had a good try at a hedgehog, that bloody hurt but when she realised what I was trying to do she just laughed at me!!! How fucking ungrateful. Every time I present her with the treasure she shouts and shoos me out of the house.

Her latest sign of ungratefulness has been to lock me in the house from early evening on. I thought she WBU so I weed on her duvet while she was sleeping. Thing is, if I don't put my paw down now, I'm going to have to put up with this ungratefulness forever.

lemonzest123 Sat 17-Jun-17 13:05:28

House rabbits:

#1 Not a good day today. Forgot where the door to the pen was again. DP sat on my head twice over breakfast then tried to put his tongue in my ear. Urghh...

#2 No end to DOs selfishness. It runs large terrifying sucking machine around my house every bloody day then attempts to lift up and kiss me halfway through my fourth nap/second breakfast.

tccat Sat 17-Jun-17 13:06:20

Dog again, Cat keeps teasing me, rubbing itself all over me, putting it's arse in my face and then running off when I go in for the sniff, would I be unreasonable to dry hump the fuck out of it

MotherOfBleach Sat 17-Jun-17 13:06:41

To ttcat's dog:

Piss on their shoes, then they won't be able to go out. Better still, eat their shoes. Trainers are particularly tasty.


MotherOfBleach's dog.

MumBod Sat 17-Jun-17 13:07:07

tccat grin

Badcat666 Sat 17-Jun-17 13:07:32

A dog:

My DO keeps asking me "who's a good dog?? Who's a good dog?"

I don't know who this good dog is??

Sometimes they go out and leave me alone and don't come back when I call for them. I think they are seeing this good dog behind my back when they are out and coming back and gas lighting me by mentioning this good dog all the time.

I'm a nervous wreak and right off my brown round food. They keep being nice to me but I think it's guilt for seeing this good dog.

What should I do? I can't follow them to check, should I LTB?

MumBod Sat 17-Jun-17 13:11:15

My dog in the Sex topic:

I wonder if anyone can help me? I'm feeling sexually repressed by my DO and I don't know what to do about it. Thing is, every day after my breakfast, I get the urge for a little, ahem, oral attention down below. Yes, I know I could do it myself, but it's not the same. So, I tend to stand over whichever one of the other dogs is lying down nearby and hover my wang over their face until they oblige. They usually do - or they would, if my DO didn't bellow my name and send me outside like I'm some kind of sex offender.

How do I make my DO understand that my needs are healthy and normal, and more important than her being able to see the Breakfast News?

tccat Sat 17-Jun-17 13:14:42

"hover my Wang " 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 brilliant

claraelsa Sat 17-Jun-17 13:21:02

Guinea pigs

We hate our owners. They have this god awful machine that makes an almighty racket and takes away all of our fresh grass whilst we have to make do with dried stuff. Also, they have a wonderful garden of lovely colourful plants but they tease us by putting a wooden thing between us and the stuff we want to eat.

How can we get rid of them?

Comealongpond89 Sat 17-Jun-17 13:24:04

mumbod 😂😂😂

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now