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What is the etiquette surrounding passed on baby clothes?

(34 Posts)
WindInThePussyWillows Sat 03-Sep-16 13:25:35

I was handed down a lot of baby clothes on the arrival of my twins 4 months ago, I am now unsure what the done thing is regarding what I do with it once the twins have outgrown it.
I have a friend due a baby boy next month so was planning on passing it down to her but I wasn't sure if that's ok?
Most of it came from SIL and I said at the time I'd keep it nice for her to have back for her next one and she said no way! No more!

I was thinking of texting her first and seeing if she would like any of it back, but I didn't want to seem ungrateful or rude to try and get rid of it now. We have used most of it but it doesn't all fit anymore and I need the room.

VioletBam Sat 03-Sep-16 13:26:36

I think you've answered your own question OP! :D

SIL said no way.

Give it to your mate.

BonjourMinou Sat 03-Sep-16 13:27:43

I would text her and check if she would like it back or if she minds them being passed on. Explain you don't have space to store. She won't mind! I gave some passed on stuff to charity after checking with the person who gave them to me first.

Hopelass Sat 03-Sep-16 13:28:14

I would do as you thought and just ask SIL if she wants any of it back or if she's happy for you to pass it on. I don't think you'd come across as ungrateful at all particularly if you make a point of saying thank you and that you did use most of it but you need the space.

allthecarbs Sat 03-Sep-16 13:28:27

I give a lot of stuff out and do prefer it when someone asks me if they can move it on. Not the end of the world if they don't though

Kel1234 Sat 01-Oct-16 15:00:34

I'm of the opinion that once someone gives you something, it then becomes yours to do with what you see fit.
As you say, you no longer have a use for it, and need the room. I would double check with sil that she definitely does not want it back, and if she says no, ask if she would mind you passing them onto somebody else, who could make use of them

RosyWilliams Sat 30-Sep-17 15:34:03

If text and say "Hiya, you sure you don't want these clothes back? What would you rather I did with them as _______ has grown out? I can pass em on at baby group or....? Let me know xxxx"

TittyGolightly Sat 30-Sep-17 16:13:21

Ask her. We lent stuff to SIL (and made it clear it was lent), who then passed it around for a few years before sending some of it back. It was wrecked having been used for 5 more babies than expected.

TinselTwins Sat 30-Sep-17 16:21:31

You need to ask. If I give baby stuff it's given/gone
I got a huge bundle of apparently useful stuff from someone else that I couldn't use at all and just ended up storing because I didn't clarify when it was offered and thought it was being "given", Then she visited and got all upset because DD had milk vomited (a TINY spot that I was immediately cleaning up) on the (her) bouncer when she visited and it transpired that she was expecting the whole bundle back with no signs of use on them!
I replaced all of "her" stuff that I was using as I was terrified of stains, so I had to store it all until baby was old enough to give it back - pain in the arse!

elevenclips Sat 30-Sep-17 16:25:59

I'd check with sil
Say ŷour dc outgrew the clothes and would it be ok to pass them on to a pregnant friend or would she like them back

bonzo77 Sat 30-Sep-17 16:32:21

Ask. Different people might have different expectations, and their plans might change. I leant lots to SIL and was clear I wanted it back. She’s not returned it. I should have known, it’s what my in laws do.

Alanna1 Sat 30-Sep-17 16:32:58

I would check and ask if you could pass it on or if she wanted it back.

cheminotte Sat 30-Sep-17 16:36:35

Personally I didn't pass on anything until I'd finished with it, and then was very clear I didn't want it back. We were lucky to have space to store clothes, Moses basket etc between dc1 and dc2. It sounds like your sil has finished with the clothes as well.

Unhappyyear1 Sat 30-Sep-17 16:57:02

Tinsel so sodding ridiculous

Ploppie4 Sat 30-Sep-17 17:01:33

Thank her. Ask her if she would like it back or would she like you to pass it on?

TinselTwins Sat 30-Sep-17 17:05:25

bonzo I'm curious about this "lending" business when it comes to things for babies which generally get heavy use?
Why lend it if you want it all back as is? Why not just keep it? If it can't be fully used then it's no use to the lendee

RavingRoo Sat 30-Sep-17 18:16:37

Ask your sil and see what she says.

bonzo77 Sat 30-Sep-17 19:01:03

tinsel because, oh I don’t know, maybe I’ll have another baby. Or want to lend to others. Or sell on higher value stuff like cot/ sling. Because I leant her 100’s ofpoundsof stuff and I think it’s ok to ask that it be returned, even though I accept that some will not come back as it’s ruined.

TinselTwins Sat 30-Sep-17 19:15:58

bonzo I didn't ask why you wanted to use it in the future, I asked why you LENT IT OUT if you didn't really want it used much

TinselTwins Sat 30-Sep-17 19:16:47

P.s. second hand stuff is rarely worth hundreds of pounds.

TinselTwins Sat 30-Sep-17 19:18:01

Why not just keep/store it if you still want use out of it?

Give it or don't give it.

bonzo77 Sat 30-Sep-17 21:56:12

tinsel (fuck knows why I have to justify myself) I leant it because I could. Because it helps someone out. Because it means I’m not storing it. Because it’s not going to landfill. Because I can afford not to get all of it back. And is it so unreasonable that rather than passing on or selling the free stuff that the lendee just hands it back to the lender when she’s done with it or asked.

bonzo77 Sat 30-Sep-17 21:57:14

tinsel I never said I didn’t want it used much, just that when it was finished with that it I had first choice on having it back.

TinselTwins Mon 02-Oct-17 20:31:22

It's not all that helpful to be half given something actually. And it obviously didn't work out for you to do so so clearly since you weren't ready to relinquish control of the items you should have kept/stored them yourself until you were fully ready to let them go, then you wouldn't have had any issues with his things panned out with the items!

RedBlackberries Mon 02-Oct-17 20:34:22

I specified when I handed down some special baby clothes that I'd want them back because they were sentimental to me. The rest I passed on and said I didn't need them back and sold good ones.

I always asked people what they wanted back when people gave me baby stuff so I kept it separate when she grew out.

bonzo77 Tue 03-Oct-17 13:44:14

Tinsel really? I think you’re being a bit odd, to insist that I have no right to have back what I have explicitly lent not given away. So if you borrow something do you automatically assume it’s a gift, even if the lender has explained they’d like it back? What do you do, hang on to them? Pass them on? Throw them away? Sell them? Pretend you didnt realise they were a loan not a gift? How far does this extend? What happens with the money your bank lends you for a mortgage? What about if you lent your stuff out? Maybe you don’t lend stuff. I was clear when I lent them that I’d like back everything that was useable, and she said I’d get them back. She could have said no to the offer (she had offers of loans for lots of people).

bonzo77 Tue 03-Oct-17 13:48:43

And how is it “not helpful to be half given” things? I found it hugely helpful to borrow bulky / expensive things (double buggy, jumperoo), then give them back. I was so grateful not to make the initial outlay, nor have the stuff taking up space when I was t using it. Ditto with big piles of tiny clothes that only get worn for 3 months.

TinselTwins Tue 03-Oct-17 22:54:17

Because baby/toddler stuff gets heavily used! If you're wanting them back you're basically asking them to store & not use freely. It's not like lending a book.

FastWindow Tue 03-Oct-17 23:00:31

Wow so much anger.

Either give it or sell it. Don't rent it.

If you give stuff to people, how likely is it you want it back? Who are these people who won't give it back if you ask?

Oh the humanity (or lack)

It's. Just. Stuff

TinselTwins Tue 03-Oct-17 23:08:57

If I have sentimental feelings about a baby item I keep it, I don't add to a new mum's mental load to remember exactly which babygrow is meaningful to me and must be returned (& sans shit-stains! ), If I expected them to keep tabs on it itd be more helpful to just buy'em a 3 pack that they can chuck in the laundry without a second thought!

Mind your own stuff. Or give it away.

Kanga59 Thu 05-Oct-17 01:03:47

Agreed. Clothing and low cost items are given without the expectation you will return them.

Jumperoo, easy to know where that came from plus it will have a residual value. Pass back.

Millie2013 Sat 24-Mar-18 22:12:04

Friend passed on a load of baby stuff, told me to gift it on, then changed her mind, after I'd gifted half of it on 😬

With DD's stuff, I've kept the "firsts"and stuff I loved, sold the stuff worth selling (frugi, joules, etc) and passed on the rest to a friend with the agreement that she'd pass on to someone else when finished with
I guess the important thing is to agree what's what before gifting/accepting anything and acknowledge that baby stuff does get puked and pooped on

Angie169 Sat 23-Jun-18 16:44:41

I would explain to sil that DC has outgrown / No longer needs items, ( she may want to sell he stuff ) ask if she would like it back but make it clear if she doesn't want it back it will go to charity . Don't invent a friend expecting a DC this just complecats things.

Wingingitwell Sat 09-Feb-19 14:02:03

I do think it’s a good idea to check with people if they want it back before passing on. I have done this before with “gifted” items and been surprised when it is wanted back. But sometimes by then they know someone else who could make use of it and it’s more of a casual thing.

I try not to borrow things from people who are clear they want them back in good condition as it’s just stressful.

Me and my friends just pass things around between ourselves and that works well, I know that if I give me friend a bag of baby girl clothes, she will give me some back if I have another. Some will be the same and some won’t but that’s fine with us!

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