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Future MIL has bought a white outfit for my wedding

(381 Posts)
natalie204 Tue 30-Aug-16 09:49:45

Mil showed me a photo of her dress and jacket she has bought for our wedding it's beautiful floor length white evening dress and white jacket. But i was brought up to never wear just white/cream to a wedding as a guest. I mentioned that it's not good etiquette to wear all white to a wedding. She was shocked and had never heard this before, my comment has now made things frosty.
I know my family will mention to her on the day how it's not appropriate to be wearing white.
Am i correct or is it just a regional thing (OH and his family are from a different part of the country)

Cozytoesandtoast00 Wed 31-Aug-16 19:51:22

ettaj
She said it was a 'floor length evening dress' not a wedding dress.
Don't get your knickers in a twist 😊

nicolachristine Wed 31-Aug-16 19:52:30

You are correct, it is not polite. However, pointing this out to someone and making them feel uncomfortable is just as gauche.

Mrsglitterfairy Wed 31-Aug-16 19:55:03

No way! shock I would be fuming... I recently got married and if someone had worn white (no matter who) I would have freaked out! Maybe that's a bit excessive of me but it's just not the done thing to wear to someone else's wedding..

EttaJ Wed 31-Aug-16 20:05:01

cosy if you bother to read further you'll see her MIL bought a wedding dress from Monsoon. Not wearing any 😊

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall Wed 31-Aug-16 20:11:34

AllPizzas, the OP has posted on the thread saying she wouldn't have time between now and her wedding day to come back to the thread.

I wish people would RTFT properly

I did scan back to see if I had missed her replies, I see now that she NCed so her posts were not highlighted.

123rd Wed 31-Aug-16 20:20:23

My mil done something similar. But she had already worn the White dress to her own daughters wedding!! Then wears the same one to mine. I think it's out of order

Cozytoesandtoast00 Wed 31-Aug-16 20:31:07

Ettaj
I stand corrected! 😋

Tapandgo Wed 31-Aug-16 20:33:15

I'd love to know the age and situation of the MIL. Most people go with someone for such an important choice of outfit. Maybe she hasn't got anybody to advise, or doesn't get to many weddings.

I'm trying to imagine her going into a shop - say Monsoon - and seeing wedding outfit displays - then choosing one from there in all innocence ( or stupidity?). Either way, I'm sure the shop assistant might have said something/ advised when trying on such an elaborate creation.

Just trying to imagine how this situation could have arisen.

But in the end - nothing stopping people getting on to enjoy the day regardless - something to talk about in years to come.

Laineymc7 Wed 31-Aug-16 20:35:22

This thread is now on the daily mail

Mrsglitterfairy Wed 31-Aug-16 20:38:12

To be fair, at least your mil wants to make an effort, mine looked like she was off on a shopping trip with her friends. Cobbled an outfit together 3 days before the wedding.. Not like we hadn't given her almost 2 years notice to plan her outfit 🤔

Lweji Wed 31-Aug-16 20:39:43

Mrsglitterfairy

Maybe she also got a white outfit and finally a friend told her SWBU. grin

Tapandgo Wed 31-Aug-16 20:42:05

Yes - maybe she bought an expensive long gown until somebody shrieked!

marriednotdead Wed 31-Aug-16 21:00:51

Glad you called out your MIL on this, she's bang out of order. Also wondering which of the dresses it is- reckon it's the long sleeved one myself.

This thread is amusing me because two people wore white to my wedding to my exh over a decade ago. In their only defence, neither was born in the UK.
One was an elderly aunt of his, in a flamboyant two piece suit with a matching hat. Let that one go. (She also turned up with an extra guest in the form of uncle that we'd never met, leaving us mouthing 'who's he?' to one another after the ceremony and then calling ahead from the car to the reception to squeeze a place for him beside her. Maybe that's why- we were distracted!)

The other was a colleague/friend who turned up in a floor length cream column dress with lacy yoke/shoulders. To make it worse, she is a similar build and colouring to me- people often asked if we were related or got us mixed up. Many shocked comments were made to me on the day and over the years since- our other colleagues gave her grief for ages. She really didn't realise what a no no it was. I was a bit bemused but luckily not the type to get that stressed about it.

She's still embarrassed now though and when I had a party for a big birthday, she checked what colour I'd be wearing beforehand and bought a different dress when she realised it would be the same.

pontynan Wed 31-Aug-16 21:46:05

I've been around a lot longer than most people on MN and truthfully I'd never heard this. Does not seem to be an issue in our part of the country. However, 2 years ago DS got married and as we were ready to leave the house, my niece appeared in lovely white 50's white dress. Everyone complimented her on how great she looked except other DS's girlfriend told her it was wrong to wear white at a wedding. We were all embarrassed and niece was devastated as she didn't know the 'rule' either. No time to find something else so she braved it out feeling terrible. Day was saved by wonderful new DiL going up to her after the ceremony and telling her how gorgeous she looked. Bride didn't care at all about the blunder - she was just so happy and wanted everyone else to feel happy too. Learn from this - it's going to be the best day of your life, you can afford to be generous and your new MiL will love you for ever if you apologise - just say some of your other relatives were superstitious and it rubbed off on you but you think her outfit is lovely.

Lordamighty Wed 31-Aug-16 21:51:19

Which part of, the MIL has bought a full length white dress from the Monsoon Bridal Collection,are people not getting. Not just wearing white but an actual wedding dress.

fabulous01 Wed 31-Aug-16 21:53:48

Good luck with that mother in law! I have a good therapist as mine means regular therapy .....

Mrsglitterfairy Wed 31-Aug-16 22:01:28

You could be right Lweji... I think it was prob more that she couldn't be arsed though 😂😂

QueenArya Wed 31-Aug-16 22:07:18

Can't believe this thread has been poached for the daily mail!

gettingtherequickly Wed 31-Aug-16 22:23:23

Another slow news day for the DM.

I'd be ashamed if my job were to poach story's from MN. But some people have no shame. (And the spelling and grammar are unspeakably poor).

RockyBird Wed 31-Aug-16 22:25:22

I'm sure DM pay MN for this guff. More fool them.

TippyT Wed 31-Aug-16 22:27:27

My now EXMIL, wore a lovely white two peice suit dress affair to my wedding. It was gorgeous had sequins and sparkly bit around the neckline and hem... With cut out patterns it looked like, something you would wear to a second wedding ( your own ) .....

birdieeeeeeeee Wed 31-Aug-16 22:51:02

Are you Jennifer Lopez? Watch out for nuts in the gravy hmm

user1464715887 Wed 31-Aug-16 22:59:42

Suppose it depends on BMs colour as some brides choose white/cream for bridesmaids, my MIL wore a colour that went (same colour but darker) with the BMs at my wedding and it looked lovely in the photos! Suppose the only problem will be the photos as if you're the only two in white in photos it will look odd & may mean it will irritate you to look at the photos where she is in.

MissingPanda Wed 31-Aug-16 23:07:10

I can't believe that anyone thinks it's acceptable to wear an actual wedding dress to someone else's wedding.

MissingPanda Wed 31-Aug-16 23:07:20

I can't believe that anyone thinks it's acceptable to wear an actual wedding dress to someone else's wedding.

MissingPanda Wed 31-Aug-16 23:07:21

I can't believe that anyone thinks it's acceptable to wear an actual wedding dress to someone else's wedding.

MissingPanda Wed 31-Aug-16 23:07:24

I can't believe that anyone thinks it's acceptable to wear an actual wedding dress to someone else's wedding.

MissingPanda Wed 31-Aug-16 23:07:25

I can't believe that anyone thinks it's acceptable to wear an actual wedding dress to someone else's wedding.

MissingPanda Wed 31-Aug-16 23:07:26

I can't believe that anyone thinks it's acceptable to wear an actual wedding dress to someone else's wedding.

MissingPanda Wed 31-Aug-16 23:07:27

I can't believe that anyone thinks it's acceptable to wear an actual wedding dress to someone else's wedding.

pollymere Wed 31-Aug-16 23:08:52

My MIL wore the same colour as my Mum, no hat, and put my SIL in a long white dress. My FIL was the only man in the whole Wedding Party not wearing morning dress either. I wore ivory so my poor SIL just looked odd and people just wondered why she was in white. Guests were also surprised/sorry for my MIL for wearing the same colour as my Mum. White/Cream etc should only be for the bride. She could get it dyed maybe. Only she will look foolish though, if she goes through with it. You'll look radiant and fabulous.

Lweji Wed 31-Aug-16 23:15:26

You can always get her dress coloured on the photos. smile

NuttyAndProud Wed 31-Aug-16 23:22:50

I agree with everyone who has said you UNBU. To wear a full length white dress to a wedding when you're not the bride is slightly ridiculous.

I hadn't heard about the 'rule' either, until one of DH's cousins wore white to our wedding. His family were not impressed and several made it known that they thought she was out of order. I wasn't fussed - I was too happy about marrying DH and having a great day - and I told her I thought she looked lovely (she did).
But, if she was trying to steal the limelight then it backfired, just as it will for your MIL.

All the best for your big day on Friday, It's too important a day to let anything like this spoil it. Those who truly love you will celebrate with you, so if MIL (or anyone else) feels otherwise than that's their problem.

Whathaveilost Wed 31-Aug-16 23:26:47

Oh well At least this thread has made it to the newspaper everyone slags off!,

Marcipex Wed 31-Aug-16 23:31:11

If it's in the daily fail, maybe milzilla will get the message.

tiddlyipom Wed 31-Aug-16 23:47:39

I'm astonished at the amount of posters who think it is OK to wear a wedding dress to a wedding where you are not the bride!
I would never wear all white as a guest, certainly wouldn't buy my outfit from the wedding dress section.
My MIL turned up to my wedding in the exact same colour as my bridesmaids, she had a swatch of the fabric from their dresses and went out and got one to match.
Pissed me off mightily.
She is an attention seeker though.And after reading this thread, I think I got off lightly.

Mojito6 Thu 01-Sep-16 03:33:01

Definitely not OK!

Anmi0802 Thu 01-Sep-16 09:14:51

I don't see any problem with this, as she will never look like you, I'm sure the bride's dress is always the best one. It's a wedding and you are suppose to be very happy and not really care for what other people is dressing. just leave her, you've told her already what you think so I would ask your family not to spoilt your wedding.
A friend of mine married last year, I was her maid of honour, but after the wedding we stopped talking as she was such a difficult person to deal with, she even chose her mother in law dress cos she said she didn't have a good taste and she didn't want anyone wearing bad dresses on her wedding. She lost a few friends for that

DailyMailPenisPieces Thu 01-Sep-16 09:19:02

Bloody Daily Mail poaching this. It's not exactly the most exciting thread, they must be pretty desperate.

notapizzaeater Thu 01-Sep-16 09:27:16

Oh no, I hope the mil - bride dint see it on the daily mail - could be a frosty relationship from now on !

user7755 Thu 01-Sep-16 09:33:02

I can't believe the daily heil didn't quote me. My comment was fucking hilarious grin

Whythenegativity Thu 01-Sep-16 09:48:43

Look, it has always been a well known piece of etiquette that no-one (especially not those in the immediate wedding party and therefore in group photos) should wear white/cream or anything to upstage the bride. The problem nowadays is no gives a s**t about what is the right thing to do as they are only concerned with themselves being the most important no matter what the occasion. OP - if your MIL hasn't taken the hint about her choice of outfit then she will only have herself to blame if any comments are made, although I'm sure your family won't be rude about it.

Whythenegativity Thu 01-Sep-16 09:51:54

My MIL dressed in the same colour as the bridesmaids as well - god I was hacked off about it.

isthatmorelego Thu 01-Sep-16 09:54:39

I wore red told everyone no red in any shade MIL bought red back it went was very firm about it .

LancelotLink Thu 01-Sep-16 09:55:20

I am amazed by the number of people on this thread that think it is acceptable to wear an ivory gown to a wedding when you are NOT the bride.

NemosMum21 Thu 01-Sep-16 12:40:09

She's an attention-seeker, that's for sure, but don't let it get to you, enjoy your day! You are Snow White and she will be muttering into her mirror. P.S. I wouldn't encourage the family to make any comments, it will only cause problems.

Lweji Thu 01-Sep-16 12:40:14

My mum is still upset that my brother's MIL chose a dress in the same colour as hers. Both were one of those in between colours, green-blue, and the MIL said it was blue or something.

My sister and I wore nude dresses and I only noticed the similar colour the other day (years after the even). That's how much we care for that stuff.

But nobody I know would wear white or cream. Ever.

Koan Thu 01-Sep-16 13:11:26

Why? How many women in this thread have calculatedly done this to another woman on their wedding day? And that's just a sample of our population. Obs some here really didn't do it on purpose, but they are the minority.

Along the way I laughed quite a lot and was shock at some posts and angry on behalf of bride. But really, quite saddening tbh

RaqsMax Thu 01-Sep-16 14:11:06

NEVER wear white to a wedding. Very bad form, as it is considered to be an attempt to upstage the bride. Similarly, anyone who wears any outfit that deliberately screams 'look at me!' (Think Raquel Welch at her son's wedding dressed in a low-cut bodycon dress with emormous picture hat. Bride didn't get a look-in.)

DamnGood314 Thu 01-Sep-16 14:26:20

Id let her make a show of herself!

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus Thu 01-Sep-16 14:31:18

Koan: there is a world of difference between just wearing white or cream to a wedding and actually choosing a wedding dress.

The first is something people might do without knowing it's not really the done thing; the second is clearly not OK. You can't accidentally find yourself trying on dresses in the bridal section of monsoon.

Delta1411 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:03:09

This is a totally douchey thing to do. Why the hell is she wearing a wedding dress to your wedding. It's plain rude. Good on you for saying something!!! She should feel awkward.

Koan Thu 01-Sep-16 16:27:45

StepAway I agree, that's why I said: obvs some didn't do it on purpose.

For the ones who did do it on purpose, I was thinking about all the DM/DMILs upthread, who wore the same colour as the bridesmaids - or had dresses made up from a swatch of the bridesmaid gowns; not just the floor length white shockers! I could have put that across more clearly.

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus Thu 01-Sep-16 16:31:51

Koan: reading it back I suspect it's my lack of comprehension skills rather than you not expressing yourself clearly.

It's utterly bizarre that some people do this sort of thing, particularly since weddings are often big public (in the sense of all your friends and family are there) occasions. Why advertise to the whole world that you are an unhinged MIL?

silvergirl267 Thu 01-Sep-16 18:22:10

I'm on my second marriage and my exMIL never went to our wedding and my current MIL was in hospital so this never came up! To be serious though I think this is really rude of her. If you have a good enough relationship I would be asking her, if it would be possible to change it. It's your big day, you need to be happy, and if her being in white would upset you, it's better to mention it now.

Monz77 Tue 06-Sep-16 08:40:59

1. Your family needs to keep their noses out of it.
2. This is one of those OLD traditions that doesn't HAVE to be adhered to --- like your dad having to be the one that walks you down the aisle.
As long as no-one is mistaking her for the bride and she's covered and decent, what she wears is up to her.
You're marrying into this man's family ... don't let something like this get in the way of that. And do NOT let your family inflame the situation. It's too petty and unimportant.

LineyReborn Tue 06-Sep-16 09:03:08

It might seem petty to some, but it'll look unhinged to most. I'm not sure I'd want my future MIL looking unhinged my wedding.

Who wants a Miss Haversham at their own wedding?

Josielowe Tue 06-Sep-16 10:45:47

I have definitely heard of this tradition; best not to undermine the bride on her special day, unlike my mother in law who decided to wear exactly the same dress as the mother of the bride. She'd found out what she had bought and went to the same shop and bought the exact same outfit!! I suppose the wedding photos had an element of symmetry!!

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 06-Sep-16 10:48:34

josie wow. Omg. I suppose it could have been worse. She could have got a similar dress to the bride - but that would be ops mil.

maggie212 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:52:00

I've lived all over this country, and I have never seen a local culture where it is ok for anyone, much less the conspicuous MIL to wear all white to the wedding. I think the MIL is being disingenuous if she feigns being innocently "hurt" that her daughter-in-law doesn't think it's right. That bride is in for a life of hell with a manipulative MIL if she doesn't stand by her boundaries. She told her, now let the woman show up in white and get the looks she thinks she deserves as MIL.

Amysav Tue 06-Sep-16 13:56:26

It is not a regional thing. It is not typically done. I live in America and my MIL tried this. She bought a white dress on sale and couldn't take it back.
When she showed it to me, I pointed out it had the same type of lace as my gown.
She pushed and pushed because she couldn't return it. She said she had never heard of the 'tradition' and didn't mean to be rude.
She pushed and pushed. I to,d my now husband she would have to be uninvited if she couldn't honor one simple request. She was uninvited and shocked.
She put pressure on my husband to come to the wedding and wear the dress because she had not heard of not wearing white. She didn't mean to be rude. I told my husband she would embarrass herself, look like she didn't approve of me, and lastly to think about the wedding photos. I said if he wanted to spend all that money on wedding photos only to have it 'look like a double wedding' then I would ultimately make peace with the idea. After all she is really only embarrassing herself and looking petty.
She didn't wear the dress and looked lovely at our wedding.
In this day and age with plenty of consignment shops and eBay, the future MIL can sell it if she can't return it.
If she shows up in white, the bride should let it go and feel sad for her MIL for looking so petty.

TobleroneBoo Tue 06-Sep-16 13:59:34

This is on the DM today

GobblersKnob Tue 06-Sep-16 14:04:22

Well this is all over the daily twat, yesterday AND today, they are having a mn field day atm.

heron98 Wed 07-Sep-16 14:07:48

I have never heard of this being an issue. Why would you care? Surely it will be obvious you're the bride? It really doesn't matter.

HalfShellHero Wed 07-Sep-16 14:10:49

Maybe a better approach would have been "are you getting a bright hat/fascinator & bag ? So youre not all white ,.." ....but no, white and full length is not the done thing at all.

TriniRedVelvet Wed 07-Sep-16 14:20:43

Not just white, not just full length, it's a wedding dress from the bridal range....

ThatAussieBogan Thu 08-Sep-16 06:20:10

OP, you need to come back under a benign ID with a post that sounds as boring as batshit then message us all to tell us simply so we can find out how it all went down. Most importantly, does she end up with a fascinator/pill box hat and veil and was any cake throwing involved?

Bugger off would you kindly Mamamia. I see our serious journalists here in Aus on MM have as usual got no other crap to poach as the main forum in Aus for juicy stories they're not allowed near and are using their usual source of journalist integrity in the DM naturally so seems your wedding is becoming a bit of an international shindig.

I hope you haven't got any guests coming from Aus OP grin

Fwiw when I married my now ex-h then thankfully I didn't have the issue of ex-mil doing this (and being her youngest son I bet she would have) as solved all the headaches of dealing with actual wedding stuff by doing it on the sly with only a couple of people there, a white slip style dress I found that morning on sale for $10 as I'd realised at the last minute I probably should actually wear something over my bikini and being a hot Sydney summer then bugger shoes, I went barefoot.

I did have some class thank you very much, I at least painted my toenails blood red grin
But made it so much easier as then we just strolled on down to the beach for a swim (near Bondi) and then the pub.

Now ex-mil didn't actually know until a friend let it slip. Now THAT was an interesting phone call, all I can say is thank fuck we were two states away from her.
Wish she was now.

I call DH that by habit, we aren't actually married (he'd like to be) as I don't do weddings. Trust me, I quite simply do not want to be related (even just by marriage) to his parents as 15 yrs since we've met we still can't get rid of my ex-mil, I think I would go a wee bit insane with two like that.
But then DH agrees there so I think I'm safe. Besides, I'm pretty sure the only reason he's still so keen on the whole marriage thing now is because he can then get rid of their name and take mine, that's always been a rare thing we agree on.

But heck, even I'd find a new MIL buying her dress from the bridal section a bit disturbing...

justawomanwhocomments Wed 28-Sep-16 10:43:30

that is a very well known rule and i even wrote on my invites that women were not allowed to wear white. It's completely unacceptable..the bride should be the only one in white

pregnantat50 Wed 28-Sep-16 10:53:37

Please tell me its not this one

Kel1234 Sat 01-Oct-16 15:04:30

I would have went mental if any of my guests wore a white or Ivory or even light cream dress or outfit to my wedding.
I know many will say it's old and out dated now, but I've always thought that the bride should be the only one in those colours, centre of attention.
Also, surely she will blend in a bit in the photos after, stood next to the bride and all

laurenandsophie Wed 05-Oct-16 13:32:56

Does anyone else really want an update from OP? I'm desperate to know what the MIL wore!!!!! grin

tibbawyrots Fri 07-Oct-16 06:23:00

How to tell if you've ended up with a batshit MIL?

What did she feel was reasonable to wear to your wedding? wink

CatWithKittens Wed 09-Nov-16 13:52:19

I sometimes (not very often) think men are lucky - after all they don't have to worry about any of this. At most weddings I've been to the groom, his father and the bride's father, to say nothing of Rabbit and all his (male) friends and relations are wearing exactly the same thing, give or take the odd (some of them very) waistcoat or tie.

SpecialFlowSnake Fri 02-Dec-16 21:52:02

I would love to know the outcome!

OohhThatsMe Fri 02-Dec-16 21:54:03

OP, this is what you need to see:

tabithaa Wed 17-May-17 07:33:51

I had about 7 people in white at my wedding and see loads of people in white at weddings now.

Thankfully it didn't really bother me and one of them privately messaged to ask.

If your not keen say to your mother in law and put on invites? smile

WindwardCircle Wed 17-May-17 07:39:39

Zombie thread.

mumsiedarlingrevolta Wed 17-May-17 07:47:18

OP-what colour are your bridesmaids wearing?

I ask because my bridesmaid and flower girl were in cream and the little page boys wore cream waistcoats.

My MIL wore a long cream dress which I was initially confused but think it was to sort of coordinate with the bridal party. In no way was it an attempt to upstage me-and she looked lovely in the pictures.
Sometimes it's just trying to get it right-
I hope you can find a way to smooth it over before the wedding (perhaps discussion of what sort of flower she's like to go with her lovely dress?) and I would tactfully suggest to your family to leave the feedback for another day.
Just have a lovely day and smile!! flowers

mumsiedarlingrevolta Wed 17-May-17 07:48:26

UGH.
Saw zombie warning as I pushed post blush

tabithaa Wed 17-May-17 07:59:31

blush

StripeyDeckchair Sun 18-Jun-17 14:56:58

I'm firmly in the no white (or cream) or black outfits for wedding guests.
It screams of attention seeking & selfishness.

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