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Secret Santa issues - Help please

(20 Posts)
GoldenSnitch Thu 12-Nov-09 08:22:21

OK, I've spoken to DH about this and he was no help so I'm going to ask you lot and hope she's not a MNetter!!

Here's the problem...

Last year, a group of other mum's and I that I know from Antenatal lessons (our children are now nearly 3) decided that we would do a Secret Santa between us.

We all wanted to buy each other and the children a gift and were aware that buying 4 lots of gifts for adults and another 4 lots for the children would a) be expensive and b) leave us with houses full of little toys when we already had loads. Secret Santa meant we only had to buy 1 adult gift and 1 child gift so we could spend a little more on each and get something a bit nicer.

So, budgets were set, names were drawn out of a hat and everything went well. So well, we decided to do it again this year.

But, this year the children are older and don't all want to do the same activities and most are in nursery a few days a week. Because of this, the opportunities for getting us all together at once happen quite infrequenty - I'll see maybe 2 mums at one place, 1 or 2 more somewhere else but never all at once very often. This made doing the draw from the hat hard so we decided that I would organise it and get my DS to draw the names. Yes, I would know who everyone had but I didn't mind (partially happened last year too when I ended up drawing myself and had to swap with someone!)and everyone else would still be 'in the dark' Plus, my baby brain (I'm 33 weeks pregnant) is so bad at the moment, I've already forgotten who had who!!

So we did this yesterday and I texted everyone individually with who they'd drawn to buy for. All done and everyone happy I thought.

But, 1 friend is at Center Parcs this week. When she did reply, after the draw, she said that as it wasn't secret now, the whole thing seems kind of pointless. I replied immediately and said that it was only not secret to me and I didn't mind if she didn't but she didn't reply. It may be worth pointing out at this point that she had drawn me and DS to buy for.

Later on that evening, she changed her Facebook status from her phone to say that she needed someone to tell her about the meaning of giving and receiving gifts at Christmas as she seems to have gotten it wrong. I am guessing this must be related to our Secret Santa as how many Christmas present related issues can she be having during a week at CP?

She hasn't texted me back so I have no idea if she wants to change it all or is just disappointed with the way it's been done. If we need to change it, I need to know soon as I was planning to go shopping today but I don't want to text her to ask as I can't work out how to do it without sounding stroppy.

So, what do I do? DH says ignore her as everyone else is happy but I hate people being cross at me and want to make it better. I'm thinking of telling her to buy the Mum and Child I drew a present and removing me and DS from the Secret Santa. That way, it doesn't matter if I know who's got who as I'm not involved, it's a secret for everyone buying. I would feel a little sorry for DS being left out but I could always spend the £10 I was going to use to buy the gift for the child on something for him so he doesn't know?

I know we could organise a get together and redraw it but that could take a couple of weeks and I wanted to finish my Christmas shopping today (I went for a short trip 2 weeks ago and was in agony for 2 days after with some SPD type pain so I wanted this to be the last trip) plus, I'm due to go to CP in 2 weeks too and when I get back, it'll be December and I'll be 37 weeks pregnant and won't want to go shopping! It'll be too late to reliably get something from the internet and there is no way DH would shop for me, he hates it! I have no idea what to get either and I like looking at real thing when I'm not sure.

So, what do I do to fix this and come out looking like I've dealt with it in an adult way? Any help would be appreciated!

Oh, and yes, there is no way I'm volunteering to organise it next year! grin

whomovedmychocolatecookie Thu 12-Nov-09 08:29:21

She sounds like a mean bugger! If she's signed up for it she shouldn't then complain. You've taken the hassle away from her by organising it. Do you know who is due to buy her a present? Switch them to buy one for you and just leave her to her humbugging.

GoldenSnitch Thu 12-Nov-09 08:33:03

I could find out as I kept the slips DS pulled - but I've forgotten. Plus, it would definitely upset her if I cut her out! I don't want to alienate her or her little boy...

That's why I thought pulling me and DS out might be better.

She's pregnant too and due in Feb, I was hoping that we're just both being hormonal and there was an easy way to fix this that I hadn't thought of!!

GoldenSnitch Thu 12-Nov-09 08:34:38

I'm supposed to be organising a Christmas meal for everyone too but can't seem to get people to tell me when their DH's Christmas parties are or where they'd like to go!

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed I think!

spicemonster Thu 12-Nov-09 08:35:46

TBH I can see her point but she should have said something before, not left it until now.

But if I were you, I'd just leave it. If you complicate things further by removing yourself from the whole thing then I think you will make everything much worse. Carry on as before. She hasn't said she won't participate, she's just said that she thinks it's a bit silly.

Don't stress about it - you have much more important things to worry about

QueenOfFlamingEverything Thu 12-Nov-09 08:39:28

I don't understand her problem [dim]

Is she annoyed because you know who has got who? Or is it because she has got you and DS? And how does it detract from the 'meaning of giving presents'?

GoldenSnitch Thu 12-Nov-09 08:45:04

I can see her point too - it's not exactly Secret Santa when someone know's who everyone has got after all!

But we're running out of time and something needed to be done. I checked with everybody and the other 4 (we have 6 this year) were happy for DS to do the draw so I went with it.

It's just a bad year this year I think. She and I are pregnant, she's also having her house extended and is in Chaos at the moment, we're busy swapping rooms and decorating to make way for our baby and another friend has a tiny, 3 month old baby to deal with. Everyone's busy and tired and trying to get their own lives sorted and there is very little time for the fun stuff at the moment

QueenOfFlamingEverything Thu 12-Nov-09 08:48:04

Oh she is being a precious twat IMO.

Has she got any better ideas? And more to the point did she have a problem with it when it was first decided?

InterruptingKid Thu 12-Nov-09 08:48:42

dont do it

its shit

GoldenSnitch Thu 12-Nov-09 08:49:04

I don't know exactly what the problem is queen as she hasn't told me.

I'm guessing that it's because I know who's got who??

I'm guessing that this detracts from the meaning as I have all but told her to buy something for us I guess??

I've had no text back though so cannot be sure.

InterruptingKid Thu 12-Nov-09 08:51:03

just say " i dont think there is any point doing it any more"

(as you arent even mates it seems)
a dn she is a prat with her FB fgs

GoldenSnitch Thu 12-Nov-09 08:57:13

We are friends. I wouldn't want to fall out with her. Every month, we do a meal out together without the kids and we chat and get on. OK, so we're not really close but it would certainly cause problems if we weren't speaking. It's just this Secret Santa thing that's got her upset and I don't know how to fix it!

I don't want to call off the whole thing as there are 4 other, happy Mum's who are happy to do it.

Buda Thu 12-Nov-09 09:04:22

I would rethink the whole SECRET Santa thing and just have each mum buy an adult present and a child present and then have a lucky dip.

So if I were you i would text or email everyone again and say something like "It strikes me as a bit silly that this is Secret Santa as I know who is buying for who so how about we do a lucky dip instead, that way we all still get surprised?"

MissAnneElk Thu 12-Nov-09 09:04:55

Pick up the phone and speak to her. Don't text or message on Facebook - just say you're not sure now about the secret Santa thing does she still want to do it or should you all just cancel it.

GoldenSnitch Thu 12-Nov-09 09:13:01

She's at CP MissAnneElk I don't want to disturb her holiday which is why I just sent her a text that she could pick up when she was ready.

Not sure the lucky dip would work. All the Children are so different now that I would have no idea what to buy that would please whichever child got it.

I'm quite happy to be the only one who knows too - as I said, I've pretty much forgotten already anyway

shonaspurtle Thu 12-Nov-09 09:19:25

Tell her to swap with someone. That way you won't know who's getting you something (maybe she feels awkward and a bit pressured (I don't know why) to get you the perfect thing because you'll know it's from her.

shonaspurtle Thu 12-Nov-09 09:21:36

By the way, I don't see how the facebook thing can be about you at all. Presents aren't normally anonymous so that hasn't got anything to do with the meaning of "giving and getting".

She must just be having a bad week!

GoldenSnitch Thu 12-Nov-09 09:25:33

But, if she swaps, then that person will know who she is buying for AND she'll know that person has me to buy for!!

I did think it was bad luck that she got me - maybe I should have swapped them before I told her but I didn't want to "rig" the draw.

I honestly didn't think she'd care

shonaspurtle Thu 12-Nov-09 09:41:49

Argh! Ok. Start again and use something like this so it's secret to everyone smile

GoldenSnitch Thu 12-Nov-09 09:58:30

Ooh, I didn't know there were online organisers - definite idea for whoever does it next year.

If we start again now, I can't join in anyway - I just don't have enough time or enough inclination to go shopping again before baby comes!

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