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AIBU to not want to commit to Christmas at in laws ? Yes, I know its the wrong topic ......

(18 Posts)
Tillyscoutsmum Wed 30-Sep-09 17:54:46

but I'm too chicken hormonal to put it in AIBU smile

So, I am pg with dc2 and due date is 15th December. We usually alternate spending Christmas with mine and dh's families and this year its our turn to go to MIL's. We live about 100 miles apart and normally go for about 4-5 days before Christmas and come home on Boxing Day.

This year I have said that, providing ds arrives on or around due date and I am feeling ok (no c section or other complications), then I am happy to go to in laws from the 20th as normal. However, I have said there needs to be an element of flexibility, just in case. This is apparently not good enough as MIL needs to know whether she is to cater for us or not (which I do understand). She is however insistent that it is "her turn" to spend Christmas day with us and has said that if we can't commit 100% to going to them, then we can arrange for them to come to us instead (just for Christmas day).

I can't help thinking I am not going to be feeling up to catering for in laws etc. if I have a few day old baby or am overdue. I could potentially be in hospital being induced but MIL has that one covered (she can do the cooking apparently hmm)

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable ? I normally get on really well with MIL. She is honestly lovely so I'm not sure if its just me being ......... I don't know what really.

Any thoughts ?

scampadoodle Wed 30-Sep-09 18:00:03

Oh god, what is it with that generation that they have to arrange Christmas nearly 3 months in advance? If I were in your shoes, having given birth under 2 weeks previously, I would neither want to travel 100 miles nor entertain anyone. I imagine you probably just want to live out of the freezer & the local deli counter. I don't get why your MiL can't understand that you want a 'wait & see' approach. Why does she need to know right now??! Is your DP an only child?

PfftTheMagicDragon Wed 30-Sep-09 18:00:40

I went 9 days over with DC2 so that would put you at Christmas Eve. If I were you I would plan for a quiet christmas at home and maybe seeing your in laws at new year? This was late babies are catered for and no-one's plans have to change at the last minute.

StayFrosty Wed 30-Sep-09 18:05:29

Can you not get a load of M&S dinner accoutrements that you just take the cardboard off stick in the oven, then leave your dh in charge of the meat and mil in charge of the pudding, on the strictest understanding that if you are in any way tired, incapacitated, weepy or just generally pissed off, you get to sit and put your feet up and they take over the whole shebang?

Or... say 'I know it's your turn, I'm sorry it has turned out like this, I'm soooo sorry but I can't commit to doing Christmas dinner, how about a nice buffet on Boxing Day?'

I'd far rather just deal with a day than commit to a 4 or 5 day stay somewhere tbh. If your mil is generally lovely I'm sure she'll either pitch in or give a little on this.

minimu Wed 30-Sep-09 18:06:30

What is wrong with that generation! You cannot make any plans, there is no way you will know how you will feel or if you have had the baby.

Tell them that as you do not know the situation this year you will have to give it a miss and they will have to like it or lump it!

I do feel that your stress levels, physical health and mental health have to take priority and worrying about giving birth in time to see inlaws will not help!!!

No way should you even consider catering for them or have them about when the baby is due. You will have enough on your plate.

Ok I have calmed down now!! I'll talk to them if you like!!!!!

cluelessnchaos Wed 30-Sep-09 18:07:39

I would tell her if she def needs to know in advance then I would call off the turns this xmas and return to them next xmas

StayFrosty Wed 30-Sep-09 18:09:38

...or on second thoughts maybe this could be the year that a new tradition starts, where you spend Christmas in your own house? This insistence on putting an overdue pg/very recently postpartum woman out for the sake of 'taking turns' would put my back up tbh.

cat64 Wed 30-Sep-09 18:14:29

Message withdrawn

vickiadele Wed 30-Sep-09 18:14:38

i wouldnt go, you might be late giving birth, you dont need that worry.

Tillyscoutsmum Wed 30-Sep-09 18:23:16

Thanks all smile Glad to hear I'm not being precious about it. A quiet day at home, just us, would be perfect.

StayFrosty - that would very much be the plan if they were to come up for lunch - lots of pre prepared stuff from M&S or the like. It still feels like hassle though tbh sad

I could obviously feel fine - I could be early and ds could be nearly a month old or more - but I obviously just don't know ! MIL likes to be organised though and is really good to us, but this has pissed me off a bit.

StayFrosty Wed 30-Sep-09 18:31:13

I think in this case you should do what you want really - if you want a quiet day in jim jams, you should bloody well have one and mil should suck it up, all bets are off when people have new babies, and a young family should be allowed to start their own traditions in their own home. Boxing Day/the aftermath of Christmas can be just as special, could you have her and fil take your eldest to a pantomime or something (this is my mum's special 'thing' that she likes to do with her grandchildren a few days after Christmas, it gives them all something to look forward to once all the presents are opened and the food scoffed)?

It makes my mind boggle the way everything has to be on the one same day for some people.

DuelingFanjo Wed 30-Sep-09 18:35:40

What's the alternative?

Could you have Christmas on your own without inlaws or parents and declare it is no ones's turn this year but your own?

Tillyscoutsmum Wed 30-Sep-09 18:58:17

DuelingFanjo - yes - that's the alternative really but it would appear it will upset MIL and DH is reluctant to do it.

I think he thinks I'm looking at worst case scenario and looking for potential issues where there aren't any.

To be fair, it is very relaxing being at her house. We don't lift a finger and are well looked after and she's very hands on with the dc's - so it would be a break for us. There's just no way I'd want to be 100 miles away if I hadn't given birth and not sure if I'd feel up to travelling if ds was only a couple of days old

BexieID Wed 30-Sep-09 22:19:39

DC2 is due xmas day and we usually spend it at PIL (albeit 4 miles down the road). I told DP that it would be best to have it at SILs, as she lives next door, so I have somewhere to retreat to and relax if needed. We did this xmas 06. I was 6 days late with Tom, so may be late again.

On another note, I want to make sure I get proper roast potatoes. Last year MIL did mash, which I hate! She also does frozen roasties in a halogen cooker. Sometimes they are ok and other times they are rather mink. Just wish I could do them like my mum does! I'll be in charge of roast potatoes, lol.

Lovely how your MIL will do dinner at yours without you. Thats what will probably happen with me. Have them over for new year!

PVish Wed 30-Sep-09 22:20:35

my tip is NEVER EVER HAVE "TURNS"

just be random

piscesmoon Wed 30-Sep-09 22:39:05

I think that once you have DCs you should just announce that you are staying at home and they can come to you.

funkybuddah Thu 01-Oct-09 19:02:59

I would say, 'actually this year we are staying at home and wont be up for any visitors, this may change depending on bubs arrival but that has to be my priority, it is just one year, and just one day, you will survive'

ZacharyQuack Fri 02-Oct-09 06:14:32

Breaking the cycle of 'turns' is a very good thing to do. In the last few years we've finally got PILs to reluctantly accept that although they are in the cycle of "this year at theirs, alternate years at SILs", it doesn't mean that we are in the same cycle.

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