Christmas Present Dilemma

[FollowYourOwnNorthStar]

I’ve been reflecting on our family’s present giving dilemma from last Christmas. I’d like to raise it with my family well before next Christmas to take any pressure off it. I’d be interested in people’s opinions.

I have 4 siblings who all are married with children, I am not (no partner, no children). There are also my parents.

At Christmas we all travel to a family members house and have a few days together, one being Christmas Day. (We rotate the actual Christmas Day with in-laws to have one year on/one year off. On the off year we chose a weekend before Christmas and have the same three days). The approx three days is because whatever location we choose, some people will have to travel, so we make a few days of it.

Presents have always been to just buy for everyone, no money limit. It just evolved like that as siblings married and children were born. I usually buy one each for my parents, for siblings, another for their partners and for all their children. I like doing this, and my siblings are great about helping with suggestions for their children and partners. If I wanted to get one present for both sibling and partner, I could (I think some of my siblings do this already?) and I know one set of siblings agreed to not bother getting each other gifts, just their children.

I get a gift from my parents, and from each of my siblings families. Often I can see my siblings will make my gift more expensive (I think to compensate for the fact I buy 4-5 for their family and they buy one back). It has come up occasionally that they feel bad that I buy more but get less, but it has never bothered me. I get a lot of joy from shopping for gifts and seeing people’s faces when they open the presents - especially the kids.

Last year one sibling wanted to put some limits in place, mainly they said because of the inequity of my parents and I buying more gifts than we receive. So it was decided that the kids would do a secret Santa among themselves as would the adults, and a price limit out on it. Meaning everyone buys one gift and gets one gift. This meant I couldn’t buy my parents a gift from me, as they were in the adults group.

I felt quite sad in the lead up to Christmas, as I enjoy gift buying. But I had read lots of threads on here about parents being annoyed at Aunts/GP asking for gift ideas, or about getting useless stuff, and I thought they have the right to decide for their families, so I went along with it.

On Christmas Day (I’m not in the UK, no restrictions on visiting) I got my one present, as did my parents. But it turned out that everyone else got a lot more, as families had brought all their presents over and siblings and their own partners gave to each other, kids gave to their own kid siblings etc. this system has created a situation where my parents and I are part of a limiting system. I spoke to my mother afterwards and we both felt a bit left out of the merriment, both in the lead up the Christmas and at the present exchange itself. It’s not about getting gifts, but about being involved in it, looking around and seeing people open your gift and be happy and having something to open yourself.

This year was always intended to be a trial. Mum and I would like to raise this and ask the it be re-thought, but want to be sensitive to the reasons it was raised by the other 4 siblings in the first place.

Does anyone have any suggestions for a way it could work? Or are we being unreasonable and should continue with this?

[Martinisarebetterdirty]

I’d be honest and say you got one gift, felt left out and it doesn’t work for you, but you do appreciate that they were thinking of you in setting it up. How about a limit per family, so each sibling spends x on you and you spend x between them?

[ScrapThatThen]

You and your mother can definitely agree to still buy for each other. I would make a note in my diary and have the conversation 1st November.

[Mycatismadeofstringcheese]

Could you form a sub-group with your parents so you buy extra for each other?

I know it defeats the purpose of secret Santa but everyone else seems to have created sub groups.

[DinosaurDiana]

Buy whatever you want for whoever you want.
Present buying is a real bugbear for me at Xmas. DH spends a fortune on siblings he never sees, it’s like he wants to show off in some way. We fall out over it every year.

[TheSockMonster]

The thing is, for most people at least, giving a gift is just as exciting as receiving one. It’s the exchange itself, not which end of it you are on.

So previously you and your parents got to exchange (regardless of which direction the exchange was in) lots of gifts. With the new system you don’t. Maybe explain it in those terms?

If cost is an issue you could suggest that you buy for your nieces and nephews but jot their parents. Their parents can still buy you a gift. We evolved something similar in our family and it works quite well.

[FollowYourOwnNorthStar]

Thanks everyone. I’m grateful everyone could see this is genuinely not about ‘more gifts’ for me, but wanting to still be as much a part of it as everyone else.

I’ll speak to my family. It’s difficult as I think my siblings all saw this as an improvement in reducing the stress and number of gifts they need to get (as they still have their own families to buy Santa sack presents and gifts between). I need to try and point out that I don’t have that same new family, so by cutting it down for them, they are actually cutting away the only family I have.

[XiCi]

I’d be honest and say you got one gift, felt left out and it doesn’t work for you, but you do appreciate that they were thinking of you in setting it up
Absolutely this. I would absolutely hate the situation you describe. I dont think I'd ever agree to a situation where I couldn't buy my parents a present. It all just sounds a bit perfunctory and joyless. Also the way it was organised sounds ridiculous. So basically it just excluded yourself and mum and dad from receiving any gifts from family while they basically carried on as normal, which is awful. Definitely speak to them

[Catflapkitkat]

I think your siblings were thoughtful in considering your expense compared to 'the return'. That in itself seems to be a rarity. However, it does seem a little off that the only people who stuck to it were you and your parents. I would have felt awkward opening lots of gifts when a sibling and parents sat with one!
I do agree with the above poster that you should be able to buy your parents what you want, so.leave them out of the equation. Perhaps suggest buying only for the children as you seem to enjoy it. In return 'the children' could give you a small gift to open on they day. That way you would still get a gift to open per family and they wouldn't feel guilty about the gifts for the children.

[Lulu1919]

We did a Secret Santa this year
We are family of four....both daughters ( late 20s) married but no children
Husbands sister husband and three children ....1 young asylum two teens

We just bought one gift ...the teens were not in it

But I still bought my children and my husband gifs as we always have and they us