To not want to spend every Christmas with MIL?

[pytr]

I know it is very early to be thinking about Christmas plans but I'm already stressing about it .

My Dh is an only child and his mum is single (has been since she divorced 25 years ago). Dh has spent every Christmas with his mum. Whether that has been just the two of them for lunch, or when he was with his ex MIL would go to his ex's relatives for Christmas Day. Since Dh and I have been together she has come to my parents for Christmas Day or to our house. This started with my mother inviting her and I feel uncomfortable that this has set a precedent for her now spending Christmas Day with us forevermore.

MIL is a very needy and clingy person. She is not the type to say "don't worry about me I will organise myself this Christmas", she would expect that she is catered for and spends Christmas Day with us every year. She has a very close single friend who she frequently goes on holidays with and could easily spend Christmas Day with. I'm not suggesting that she does this every year but every now and again would be nice.

We also spend all of Boxing Day with her as that is when my Dh has his kids for their Christmas with him. I am finding spending all of Christmas Day & Boxing Day with her too much. She is very needy and critical of me and I don't feel like I can relax around her. I feel like this means I don't get to ever have a nice Christmas.

My mum says that not to invite her would be very mean. But my dad thinks that if we're spending all day Boxing Day with her and I'm cooking for her then that I shouldn't have to spend all of Christmas Day with her too.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I probably am and I don't want to be mean to her. But I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas and leave them all to it. I know I am probably being selfish but I would really like one Christmas where it is just us. I just want a nice non stressful Christmas where I am not walking on eggshells all the time. Not sure what to do.

[RomanyRoots]

I would spend boxing day with your feet up whilst your dh hosts for his mother and kids.
Spend xmas day with dh.
Then granny and dh gets to see all the kids, and you get a break from cooking.

[ArmySal]

I feel a bit sad for her tbh and wouldn't want her left alone, or to upset your DH. I can be soft though.

I can see it from your viewpoint too.

[WorraLiberty]

So you don't want to spend Christmas day with your parents or your MIL?

If that's the case, I'd suggest that to your DH and see how he feels about it.

[cleaningtwenty]

No uanbu! Make your plans now. Start by going away on a holiday for Christmas if you can, that sets the precedent and ensures she doesn’t pop round. You could make the “alternative years” rule, START NOW! If DH doesn’t agree, let him be with mommy, you go away to your family or friends.

When we married MIL announced she was having every other Christmas with us (and the other with her daughter and family). She lasted precisely one year! Never again. DH had to tell her, she wouldn’t have taken any notice of me.

[Aethelthryth]

Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want to be left alone at Christmas? There are many ways to avoid cooking; but I think it would be unkind to prevent her from seeing her son at Christmas

[cleaningtwenty]

Put yourself in her shoes. She could easily arrange to see someone or go away so she’s not muscling in on your family Christmas every year.

[AlmaGeddon]

Can you opt out of Boxing Day? They can do their own cooking etc. You will have to accept being made to feel guilty but it is prob worth it.
Other option is to do what you want on Boxing Day- eg suggest all have a long walk in the park, go alone if no takers. Gives you a break.

[HolyMountain]

I wouldn’t like to think of your MiL being told to make alternative plans because you don’t want her there and I doubt your Dh would dream of saying that anyway.

If you fancy a Christmas away by yourself then do it, how long have you and Dh been married?

[ProfessorMoody]

Poor woman. So you're suggesting she spends Christmas alone or with a single friend than with her family? Horrid.

[NeverKeepANameTooLong]

Jeez, I had to tolerate my mother for many many years making Christmas dreadful. The rows, the tension the miserable atmosphere. Then I announced months in advance what I was doing the next Christmas and ignored the 'what about me'. Roll forward 10 years and I still point blank refuse to have another miserable Christmas with her and do my own thing. Wish I'd done it many years before.

Do what you want OP

[HolyMountain]

she’s not muscling in on your family Christmas every year

She is family.

[AppleKatie]

I think your mean OP. Christmas is a time for family and all that.

By all means do things your way in the sense of not changing your behaviour around her. Relax, drink what you like etc...

If she doesn’t like the ‘real’ you, she might decide to make other plans! But I don’t think you can deliberately exclude her!

[Singlenotsingle]

Not a very Christmassy sentiment, is it? I hope you're not all alone one day OP

[MeyMary]

How about Christmas with your MIL and boxing day with "just" your DC and DH?

Or you could do something for yourself on boxing Day... (if that appeals to you?)

[sleepyhead]

No way would I let my mother have Christmas day on her own (unless that was what she wanted).

YABU.

[Pickleypickles]

I wouldn't suggest anyone i know spend Christmas alone even if I didn't like them very much, hell I work with a woman who isn't the Best, very grabby and self centered but when her family were being dicks around Christmas and she thought she would have to spend it alone I said she could come spend it with me. I understand what you are saying and if she had an alternative fair enough but she doesn't so suggesting she "books herself a holiday" is horrible and I hope your children some day do that to you so you know just how horrible it feels.

[MeyMary]

I would however stop walking on eggshells. Be yourself :)

And I don't think you should tolerate her being overly critical of you... That's just rude!

[HoleyCoMoley]

Would you consider booking a pub Christmas lunch for everyone, no one gets stressed with the cooking and entertaining, then to to hers for a few hours afterwards if she's got room. Boxing day could it be at your parents, everyone chips in wirh the cost and a buffet meal.

[DisplayPurposesOnly]

There are loads of things you can do - but the first one is to discuss it with your husband.

Personally I'd be looking at a rotation: one year his mum; one year your parents; one year just you, husband & kids.

[DarlingNikita]

I would spend boxing day with your feet up whilst your dh hosts for his mother and kids.

This seems sensible to me.

Although I'm starting to wonder if I could just book a last minute holiday just for me at Christmas would be OK too. Everyone needs a break and a change of scene.

[VickyEadie]

I never got on terribly well with my mother. She died last year and I can't say I miss her, though her death makes me sad.

I wouldn't have dreamt of leaving her alone on Xmas Day.

[Monny1]

To be honest l don’t blame you. It wouldn’t hurt her to have maybe Christmas Day with her single friend and then come to you on Boxing Day. It is your Christmas too. Why dont you mention this to your husband and see what he says.

[ClaryFray]

Can see both sides. We do every other Christmas with my family then with DPs. My Mil is okay though.

[moredoll]

Poor woman. So you're suggesting she spends Christmas alone or with a single friend than with her family? Horrid.

^This.

Christmas is family time and your DH is her family. You should work harder at finding ways to get on with her. You know, the spirit of Christmas.

[ohfourfoxache]

Difficult situation.....

I think it would be cruel to leave her on her own, and unless she’s done enough to constitute going NC then I think you probably do need to suck it up

That said, be yourself. Don’t walk on eggshells, it’s not fair. And if she’s critical of you then your dh needs to address it.