can’t get into the Christmas spirit

[pinklemonade84]

This Christmas is going to be my first without my dm (who we lost earlier this year) and I can’t seem to pull myself together enough to get into the festivities

Dd (2 in April)

[pinklemonade84]

Pressed post too soon, sorry

Dd (2 in April) is going to be pulled away from her new toys on Christmas Day so that we can go to the in laws for dinner and to spend the rest of the day with them. And I’m dreading it. Fil is going to take over as soon as we get there (like he normally does) and not let anyone else get any quality time with dd

Dh is of the opinion that because we used to do Christmas dinner with my mum (we used to care for her and it was easier for us to work up until Christmas Day to get the time off to go and get a decent amount of time with the in laws) and then come to the in laws for a few days, that it’s only fair that his parents now get us for Christmas dinner.

Normally I’m really excited for Christmas and this year it’s as if I can’t be bothered. I’ve normally got all of the presents bought and wrapped by now (still got stuff to buy and more to wrap).

I miss my mum so much it hurts. She absolutely loved Christmas and always went totally over the top. Last year was a bit of a flop because she was so ill (we didn’t know just how much), but she still did her best to make sure everyone else had a good time.

It’s my little girl’s second Christmas and I feel so guilty to say that I can’t seem to pull myself together enough even for her. I’m dreading having to rush across to the in laws and make small talk for the rest of the day, have fil make comments about me not eating certain veg, not be able to have a cuddle with dd (even when she comes to me) without both fil and mil making a comment that I’m babying her. I’m probably being silly, but everything feels too much this year

[StillTryingHard]

Just sending hugs

[MarsBarsAreShrinking]

I think your DH needs to step up a bit here and have your back with regards to the overbearing ILs. Have you spoken to him? Tell him how you feel. It's the first one without your mum... he needs to cut you some slack. I hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas 🎄

[user1497997754]

Why don't you just stay in your own home for Christmas....

[pinklemonade84]

user I really wish we could as I think this year I could really do with not seeing anyone. But, we weren’t even invited to Christmas, it was just assumed and dh never thought to correct them or check.

MarsBars I text him earlier as I knew I would break down if I told him in person. And told him that I feel like I’m really starting to struggle with how I’m feeling and he didn’t even acknowledge me

I don’t want to knock the in laws too much as they’ve been very good to us. It’s mainly fil and his need to be constantly centre of attention, as mil and bil will tell him to back off if he gets too enthusiastic or his comments get too much

[pinklemonade84]

I just want to make sure dd has the best day possible. She was ill last year and totally overwhelmed with presents that we’ve scaled back big time this year and more thought has been put into what we’ve bought.

And I think that’s what I need to focus on until she goes to bed that night. She loves her uncle and will have the most amazing time playing with him and she’s got some fantastic toys off them so she’ll have stuff to play with there. And that’s all I want, is for her to have a good time

[TittyGolightly]

It’s not too late to change your plans. I’ve just turned our Xmas plans on their heads.

Life’s too short to march to someone else’s drum.

[ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris]

Op this sounds deeply insensitive. I lost a parent this year too and along dreading going to in laws with over bearing fil.
It's seems to rub in how awful mine are.
I think your dh needs to consider your feelings and your first Xmas without your mum. As for you babying your baby. You need to shut that down immediately android your dh.
Ridiculous.

[LeMesmer]

I understand that you want your DD to have the best day, but you must think about yourself as well. I know it isn't easy to change the plans you have made but you really should think about it. If you can't change things, at some point during the day take some time for yourself. Your DD will be entertained, your DH will understand. You will need a break from everything and everyone and there is nothing wrong in doing that.

[pinklemonade84]

The food has been booked and paid for and I would feel so guilty for the expense. Plus mil lost her mother this year too, so I’m hoping she will be a bit more sympathetic as she will understand how I’m feeling.

[pinklemonade84]

LeMesmer I like that idea and I’ll be sure to do that. It’s going to be so easy to be so wrapped up in keeping dd happy that if I don’t take that time for myself, the wrong comment could tip me over the edge. Thank you for reminding me to do so xx

[ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris]

Your poor Mil. I wonder though if some consideration may have started with actually asking you if you'd like to go?

[LeMesmer]

I know from experience how important it is, I didn't do it and it makes grieving last so much longer. That said, my Dad died in the October when DS was 2, and although it sounds soppy DS kept me going through Christmas and everything else. You will be the same with your DD, but take care of yourself as well xx

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

I can only imagine how you're feeling without your mum.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself, you're not going to get in the Xmas spirit so just allow it to pass you by this year, it'll come back.

If it's any consolation your DD will not remember this Christmas, she's too young. My DD was the same age when we had the Christmas from Hell when 'D'H had an affair and our World broke down. Luckily she cannot remember a thing!

[pinklemonade84]

That’s what I keep trying to tell myself, that she won’t remember. But I still feel so unbelievably guilty.

I’ve made a promise to myself this morning to make more of an effort. My mum wouldn’t have wanted the moping. She would have wanted me to focus on dd and make sure she had the best time possible.

I guess in a way I do understand where dh is coming from in the sense that we had so many Christmas Days with my mum. It’s more the inevitable fil monopolising dd while we’re there. And I want to be able to give her a cuddle if she wants one without comment.

And I want to get through the day without comments about what I won’t eat. My dad force fed me certain veg several times until I was sick and then used to shout at me for being sick. And I’ve never touched them since. And I’ve told fil this, yet he still makes his comments whenever we have a meal there

[clearingaspaceforthecat]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Could you ask your DH to have a quiet but firm word with his parents this week? Just to explain how raw you are feeling and that you really want to have a good Christmas for DD but will need some sensitivity from them and may want some quiet time for you on the day?

Sometimes the build up/anticipation can be worse than the actual day as well. You may find that is the case. Take the pressure off yourself to be anything other than how you are feeling on the day.

[IrritatedUser1960]

The first christmas is just awful, I'd suggest not doing anything you don't want to and be kind to yourself.
You can't possibly be expected to be christmassy this year, just go with the flow and get it over and done with.
It will get easier but not this year xxxx