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To not send Xmas presents to ungrateful Nieces but to donate instead?

(52 Posts)
AuntieAunt Tue 12-Dec-17 19:19:43

Just that really. I don't have loads of cash to throw around and they're somewhat the most ungrateful children i've met Slight eggageration but often feels like it.

Last Christmas I got them both scooters with characters who they were obsessed with. One DN got it out of the box and asked if it was cheap, didn't want to bring it in from the front garden 'as it was cheap and nobody would steal it'. The other DN didn't bother and it's still in the box.

For DN (8) I decided on a day trip as she seemed to have everything and thought she'd prefer quality time. She's been going on for about a year that she had never been to a musical and her best friend has apparently been to all of them. She used my laptop to google all that were showing, she watched Youtube trailers/videos of the songs and decided which one she'd like to see. I told her the costs of the tickets if she was really sure that's what she want as it was a lot of money etc etc. We get to the theatre and she wasn't happy with the seats we weren't in the Gods either. I explained that the seats near the stage cost 100+ each, and as a student I wasn't able to afford them- she asked me again why I was cheap. She kicked up such a fuss that she started to pretend her eyes were hurting/giving her a headache (expecting me to get her closer seats to the stage) and we ended up leaving not that long into the show as she was disturbing others (still thinking that I would get her closer seats). Miraculously her headache had cleared when we walked past a shop and suggested I got her a toy instead for her birthday as she was too ill for her present...

They both have everything you can imagine. I've spent weeks trying to find the perfect gift but they do literally have everything especially as they both have autumn birthdays. They don't really look after anything, and anything they do after they novelty soon wears off. I have got them gift cards in the past but look very hard done by when they realise that they can't get everything in the shop.

There's a local church doing a Xmas present drive for local families in need. I'd rather go buy £50 worth of gifts, wrap them and know that they're going to be appreciated. I was thinking of getting my nieces a large selection box with a note that i've donated toys to those in need for their gift as Santa wasn't able to visit all children as some don't have a house for him to deliver at.

The only thing is, is that i'm extremely close with my sister and she's fairly sensitive especially as quite a lot of people are taking a step back from the girls. I could just buy them a couple of toys that will probably end up donated anyway? I just feel like i'm throwing money into a fire.

Sorry I didn't mean for this to end up as an AIBU?

NewtsSuitcase Tue 12-Dec-17 19:25:46


I would buy them something very small and cheap, perhaps a cheap necklace or something where its difficult for them to immediately tell the value. Then at least you won't feel like you've wasted your money.

They sound awful. Is your DSis not embarrassed?

glow1984 Tue 12-Dec-17 19:31:59

Are people taking a step back from the girls as they are spoilt and selfish?

I’m with you, I wouldn’t get them anything either!

whimsical1975 Tue 12-Dec-17 19:33:51

Truly your Dsis should have pulled these girls up!!!! That kind of behaviour is just completely unacceptable and not calling them out is going to do them no favours.

Personally I love the donation gift. My own Dsis and her DH do this every year for the adults "gifts". However, if you feel something more should be given then I'd go for clothes, pyjamas, a dressing gown or slippers! Something that is more likely to be used.

KC225 Tue 12-Dec-17 19:33:57

They must be picking this up from somebody. I don't know any 8 year old who describes something as 'cheap' or 'cheap looking' and to ask a grown up why they are 'so cheap' is outrageous. If you are that close to your sister you should tell her what they said. I would be mortified if Mt children did that. Buy the big selection box and I'd they ask remind them about the scooters last year.

doodlejump1980 Tue 12-Dec-17 19:36:28

God yes to this! I haven't seen my niece all year. She 13, going on 20 with a stinky attitude and an amazing sense of entitlement. I am so tempted to give her a goat.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe Tue 12-Dec-17 19:37:49

I really don't blame you at all for being fed up, they sound so spoilt and ungrateful! However... no, I wouldn't do what you're suggesting because it comes across as a dig at the children and there's always fall out when you do something like that.

IMO you either have the courage of your convictions and tell dsis straight out that you're not buying for them anymore and why OR just put 10/20 pound in a card (less than what you usually spend anyway) and let them do what they want with it. No effort required on your part.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe Tue 12-Dec-17 19:40:30

Oh and I agree with KC re the cheap comments. It's been said to you more than once by quite a young child - she's picked that up from a parent! I'm questioning how "sensitive" your sister really is hmm.

expatinscotland Tue 12-Dec-17 19:42:42

I would tell your sister. She's sensitive, well, too bad, someone needs to know her kids are spoilt brats. And I wouldn't give them a gift at all. If they ask, you just tell them, I've tried that with you both, but you say it's cheap and throw it out, so I've given to other children and hand over the selection boxes.

Stop enabling them.

HalfShellHero Tue 12-Dec-17 19:42:52

I'm shocked at their cheek OP I wonder where they've learned about people being "cheap" it's sad for them and your sister

keeponworking Tue 12-Dec-17 19:45:29

I just wouldn't mention it and wouldn't get them ANYTHING. When they asked, I'd tell them straight that people are rude about what they've been bought, ungrateful and make such appalling comments don't get presents. End of.

Crumbs1 Tue 12-Dec-17 19:46:50

I’m with you. Get a very small gift, something nice and useful like gloves or stationary. Then give them a picture of the gifts they’ve donated to a charitable cause. I’d be honest with their mother too.

SandAndSea Tue 12-Dec-17 19:49:03

I got a fridge magnet once which said mosquito nets had been bought in my name. I would do something like that. If your sister asks, tell her exactly why. I don't think you'd be doing your nieces any favours if you ignored their behaviour.

mustbemad17 Tue 12-Dec-17 19:52:06

I love your idea tbh. I detest the spoilt, world owes me attitude of some kids. At least some good can come out of their horrible behaviour...and i'd be upfront to your sister too. She needs to look at her own behaviour then rein her kids in!!

CornyCollins Tue 12-Dec-17 20:00:59

My God I would be mortified and livid if either of my DDs treated someone like that or behaved like that at any time, let alone when being given a very thoughtful and generous gift!!

I really like your idea, sounds like they need bringing down to earth and perhaps a reminder that not everyone has all the things that they do might help?
Quite like expatinscotland's idea too though! grin

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 12-Dec-17 20:02:43

Your sister is sensitive? Do you mean she kicks off if things don't go exactly as she wants?

I'd give each of them a £10 in an envelope to put towards "whatever they are saving for".

If you need to appease the bully avoid your sister getting upset then you might announce in advance that now the girls are older you know they will want to choose their own gifts.

AuntieAunt Tue 12-Dec-17 20:05:23

The thing is, is that my sister/BiL are really down to earth and humble. If anything my sis has encouraged the girls to give to charity/that they're incredibly fortunate and that others aren't. My sis is also very insecure, shy, caring and bit of a push over. When we got home early from the Musical DN put on the illness again for her mum. When I pulled her up on her 'headaches' and but well enough to go to the toy store she changed her tune to 'I was just really sad as you (Sis) wasn't there to enjoy it too/really missed DN2'. Que my sis swanning over her of how thoughtful/caring DN is. Absolute BS as my DN1 has certain mannerisms -which I really want to slap out of her- which she puts on when she's manipulating but sis just really doesn't see it. DN2 I think is so placid she just copies DN1, but also gets all DN1 handy downs she's literally got everything a kid could want/need.

But you're all right, if I do just donate instead of getting them present it will look like a stand which I didn't think about. I'll just get them something small/useful and they can throw it on the mound of presents like everything else. Shame i'm not with them for xmas this year as I could just give them money in a card and collect it back at the end of the day as they just loose it under the sofa every year..

billybagpuss Tue 12-Dec-17 20:06:56

You could sponsor an animal for them the wwf do this where you can chose from endangered species from something like £3 then cancel it after a few months. They get a cuddly toy and the occasional update and you know your money isn’t wasted. They do things like elephants leopards penguins etc

expatinscotland Tue 12-Dec-17 20:09:47

Stop pussy footing about them! Jesus wept, if you can't be honest with your closest relatives, who can you be honest with? Why do you continue to throw money out a window for them when others would be grateful for it! So be the one to take a stand, ffs, because people are pulling back from the girls because they're spoilt brats. Continuing to enable them does them no favours.

totallyliterally Tue 12-Dec-17 20:11:00

I'd get them a craft thing each, wilkos do great ones for around £10 (and some cheaper)

And that's it.

No explanation, no reason.

If it's questioned (and no one should do!!)

Just say oh I thought you'd like them happy smile

Nothing worse than kids who are ungrateful. Mine were taught at a very young age you say thank you very much if you get a gift. Even if it's a duplicate or not quite what you wanted. Or there will be no more gifts.

CandleLit Tue 12-Dec-17 20:11:11

Agree with others. Let them feel the power of the self-fulfilling prophecy and get them something cheap.

mustbemad17 Tue 12-Dec-17 20:11:56

Buy them a goat each. Donated to a farmer who really needs it

PersianCatLady Tue 12-Dec-17 20:14:48

Stuff them, ungrateful little cows

AuntieAunt Tue 12-Dec-17 20:25:33 <--- literally the reaction if I bought them a goat. I'd probably ruin their xmas as they'd expect a goat in their garden.

The thing is, is that I really really love the girls but DN1 is beyond manipulative that she does say thank-you, and quite often goes over the top with it, but she's just not genuine and I think that's what doesn't sit well with people. They have mounds of toys/crafts/clothes/teddies/outdoor things etc. They have a large play room filled with toys but a lot of it is handy downs from family/friends so it's not like my sis is purposely spoiling them; if anything she feels embarrassed. They love crafts so that's what their school friends get them, and most of it is still sitting on a shelf unopened.

They literally have everything, and it's getting to the point there's nowhere to put the stuff. I was thinking about getting them a voucher for the cinema but it does feel like I'm being lazy- which i'm not, i'm just feeling it's all a complete waste.

Herbcake Tue 12-Dec-17 20:32:05

I always suggest this bit have they had the butterfly garden? Where you send off for caterpillars and watch them hatch? Not expensive, educational and all gets thrown out afterwards so no clutter.

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