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Family stating with us over Christmas

(37 Posts)
MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 12:30:50

Okay so we currently have one child just turned 3 and one on the way just over 3 months along. My family live abroad and my in laws live about an hour away (we used to live 10 mins away but we moved about 18 months ago. Every Christmas for the last 10 years we've got up opened present at our house and then gone over to the in laws mid afternoon till the evening to open presents with them and have Xmas dinner. We've never spent a Christmas over with my family because we have 2 dogs and can't take them with us.

Now this year my family are closer with their dogs and I invited them over for Xmas initially thinking they wouldn't come as it's a lot of messing about for them to get here but now they've decided to decent upon us for 10 days. Both my parents birthdays will also fall between this period.

My husband initially raised some concerns when I spoke with him about it before asking them but said it was okay. Now they've come back and said their coming so it'll be my parents, my niece and their 2 small dogs. My husband is very upset as he feels it's the last Xmas morning we will get with our son just the 3 of us before his sibling arrives plus because of his age it's his first Xmas he will be aware of what's going on. But he now feels it's ruined because my family will be here.

Just to also add last Xmas wasn't great either as he was under a lot of stress at work and I asked if we could have a full Xmas day at home and his family could come to us as our son should get to play with his toys all day without having to spend 2 hours in the car. Plus he was only 2. And i've never got to have a family Xmas at home just us as my mil always wants us there. He was mad at me then too. I eventually gave in but the only reason we actually stayed at home was because we went to get in the car to drive over and his tyre was flat.

I totally understand his feelings on the matter but I don't know what I can do to make anything better. I don't want another Xmas like last year with upset, arguments and stress but this will probably be the only year I'll get to spend with my parents on Xmas day now for the foreseeable future. And can't now uninvite them!

Any thoughts would be much appreciated and apologies for the long post!!

GreenTulips Mon 13-Nov-17 12:34:30

Well there's nothing to stop you inlaws coming over for an afternoon is there? Maybe Boxing Day?

Your husband needs to discuss this going forwards

Also there nothing to stop him going to see his parents if he wants to do that

Marriage is compromise

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 12:38:51

It's not really about the in laws I've said I'll do a Xmas eve day meal for his family too if he wants as my mum's birthday is boxing day. They could come up Xmas day but I doubt they will as my brother in law and his family will probably be going over.

It's more about my husband's feelings about my family staying with us, and being there on Xmas day more so Xmas morning present opening. I have said I doubt they'll be up early so we should still get that time but he appears doubtful as they will have their dogs with them. Unfortunately they do have to bring them.

whimsical1975 Mon 13-Nov-17 12:55:27

I agree with you in that you can't now invite your parents and your DH can surely see that!? If I'm honest I think your DH should have some consideration for you as well in all of this. I can see you're trying to make things better for him but has he thought of you at all? It's not only Christmas for him...

That said I think the only way to keep some sort of peace is to find a way of doing some present opening with just the 3 of you... would he be happy with opening gifts in your bedroom? It's a lot easier to keep it just the 3 of you if you're in your room with the door closed. Maybe you can then keep one or two separate to open with everyone else? It's going to be awkward and not very hospitable if you have to ask people to stay in their rooms until a certain time so by moving it to your room you're in control of the privacy.

So sorry as it's not a nice situation to be in x

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 13:05:13

I know he understand he is being selfish and he just has to get on with it now but he's still in this down mood. I've told him I don't expect our son to have to wait for my family to get up to open his presents and we'll just get on with it and I know my family will totally understand that. I just don't know what I can do to try and help him feel better about it.

I'm excited that for the first time since I was 22 I'll get to see my parents on Xmas day as 10 years is a long time of only seeing them 2 a year and neither of those times include Xmas day but now I just feel rubbish that I've made him feel this down and sad.

Buttercupsandaisies Mon 13-Nov-17 13:51:51

I think this is one of those things parents get over precious about to the detriment of the kids. I bet your Ds would love having the extended family over and as a one off I don't see the issue. I do think 10 days is s but long and I'd not be happy about that but if his only issue is Xmas morning I think he's being a bit selfish actually. Yes we all like Xmas morning but your child is part of a bigger family than just you and your husband and given this is a one off I think he's being a bit mean. Most kids prefer the hustle of lots of family around. Being spoilt and fussed over!

I can't think of anything worse than a Xmas at home just the four of us- that's what we do every Sunday!

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 14:11:24

I agree it is but I think it's cos it's over the Xmas holiday it kind of always extends travel plans trying to fit it in. Especially with my dad's birthday being on the 18th and my mum's on the 26th. It'll be the first year I've been able to see them on those days in 10 years too.

We spend every Xmas day with his family granted it's not the same situation as this year but I still go to their house. I would actually love a quiet Xmas one year making our own traditions as a family, having family come to us if they want as thats how i grew up but this never usually seems an option for us. We always have to go over there as that's how he grew up. And that's been okay so far.

whimsical1975 Mon 13-Nov-17 14:47:37

You have many many years ahead of you to have a Christmas with just the 4 of you... I totally agree with Buttercup that sometimes it's a pain having hoardes of people of but the kids LOVE it!!! Especially when it's their grandparents.

Maybe you could explain this to your DH? Perhaps if he could see it from your DS's point of view rather than his own he might warm up to the idea...

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 14:58:41

What gets me is that's how he grew up. With lots of family around on Xmas day and that's how he convinced me to go to his parents last year saying he used to love it. But this year I think because my family will be staying with us it's different.

RainbowCookie Mon 13-Nov-17 15:02:27

I think your DH is being totally selfish, his parents live local so presumably get to see you not just every Christmas but also birthdays, Easter, mum and Dads day and will be straight round to see your newborn.

You on the other hand barely see your family, haven't spent Christmas with them in 10 years and presumably won't get to do this again for years.

And yet he's moaning and putting a dampener on things because he wants to spend Christmas morning alone, I'd pull his selfish arse up on this.

I'm in exactly the same situation my parents are a 12 hour flight away, inlaws are round the corner. My DH would never begrudge them coming to stay over a holiday. Incidentally they've only got to spend Christmas with us once and now my Dad is too ill to travel and will probably never get to see his Grandchildren open their presents ever again unless I take everyone there, so I'm really glad they got to come once.

Go get your DH some (baa) humbugs!

Trailedanderror Mon 13-Nov-17 15:05:12

He needs to shut up and grow up. What a brat.

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 15:19:10

Yes RainbowCookie you are quite correct they do get all those occasions. My parents have never got to spend a birthday with my son and probably never will. I appreciate it's their decision to move that far away and so they will miss out but yes his family do get all of those things and will get to see our newest. No doubt will be in the hospital same day, like last time. For the whole fist week we didn't get left alone.

That is also true I don't and while it comes with some advantages 😉, I also miss them terribly and it makes me sad that I don't get times with them that I wish I could because of distance.

I really want to pull him up but he seems so down at the minute with work pressures rtf always the same at the time of year that if I start being arsey about it it'll just cause more arguments. Don't get me wrong I'm not a shy wife that doesn't confront her husband I just don't want to fully fall out over this. He's put up with enough moaning off me over the past few years with an over bearing mil that drives me nuts. Of I'm honest it will be nice to not have her controlling Xmas for once.

I'm sorry to hear about your father not being well enough to travel and I do hope you all get another Xmas together. Thank you for seeing it from my side.

Haha I may sneakily do that!!!

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 15:21:27

😂 trailedanderror your comment has just made me laugh out loud thank you!!

dreamingofsun Mon 13-Nov-17 15:29:57

grandparents are very good putting batteries into toys and playing with kids with the more tedious presents. I hide in the kitchen with the turkey and my bottle of wine and come out when i feel like it.

we have always had our kids in our bedroom opening their christmas stockings and then do rest with GPs.

there are benefits. i would go uts at 10 days of them.....but guess there arent any options there if the live abroad.

My kids love having their GPs around and i think its wrong to not share your kids with them on key dates such as christmas...

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 15:34:52

Yes that's it. It's not like they live in this country so it makes it difficult. I probably will go nuts too, my family drive even me crazy but I know it probably won't ever happen again so I need to make the most of it.

GreenTulips Mon 13-Nov-17 16:21:09

* I just don't know what I can do to try and help him feel better about it*

How didn't he make you feel 'better' about all the MIL controlled christmases? Do that!!!

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 16:30:51

That's a very good way to look at it. 😂 He says he sympathises and I think he does truly but then she always seems to get her way anyway. But I suppose that's besides the point here.

goose1964 Mon 13-Nov-17 17:52:47

When my kids were little we used to have a huge family Christmas, both parents, grand mother my sister. In a lot of ways those were the best Christmases , my kids have fond memories of those year. Now it's usually 3 of us due to deaths and moving away with their own families.. Tell your husband to relax big family Christmases are usually more fun

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 18:07:22

That's what I'm struggling with because he comes from big family Christmases. He's now also saying his issue is that I put up such a big fight last year to have a family Christmas at home that it's bad because this year I'm okay with having my family here. But I never said I wouldn't spend Xmas with his family last year I just wanted to host it at our house. I just wanted my son to be able to stay with him presents not to have to leave them behind to go over to the in laws which was fine every year before we had kids. I just wanted to spend a Xmas at home not that people couldn't come and he's just totally twisted it. I wasn't mad before I could see his side but after that I'm starting to feel my blood boil.

timeisnotaline Mon 13-Nov-17 18:15:04

He's being a spoilt selfish prat. I wouldn't try and make him feel better, every time it came up I'd Well say I'm excited not to have a Christmas controlled by your mother and If you don't grow up and get over it I will start insisting on 50 /50 christnas plans, you have been very spoilt only having my family once in ten years. I suggest you realise how good you have it, hug me and say you are very happy i get this Christmas with my family.

Seriously you can't just let him be stressed with work every Christmas period so you tiptoe around trying to make it better. He hasn't tried to make anything better for you, he's just insisted on what he wants.

GreenTulips Mon 13-Nov-17 18:18:34

I'd just tell him

DParents are coming on X date til Y date

You can do as you please

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 18:21:08

He has because if my family lived in the UK he would have had to alternate every Christmas for the last 10 years and he's not both him and her have had their own ways. Besides a godsend of a flat tyre last year. But even then there was an atmosphere. It sucks. I'm just mad now that he's trying to say me kicking up such a fuss last year was to do with me just wanting it to be us for one year but that isn't entirely true. I said many times could they not come up to us. But now he's using that to form part of his argument/guilt.

whimsical1975 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:01:28

But that's not even an argument! That was last year, this is this year! You didn't have the option of your parents joining then and you do now - the circumstances were different so it's not exactly comparing apples with apples.

To be honest it simply sounds like he doesn't want to spend Christmas with his in-laws!! I really think that this might be the bottom line but he doesn't have the balls to say it - so instead of owning it he's trying to deflect on you, and using things like it being the last Christmas with 3 of you as an excuse to make you feel sorry for him and cancel with your parents.

My 10 and 12 year old use these tactics!

GreenTulips Mon 13-Nov-17 19:04:47

I agree

Last year you wanted a quiet Christmas because that was the two choices

This years choices are different

Next years choices will also be different

Tell him he can stop sulking now or pack his bags back to mums for Christmas and you'll see him 10 days later (unless he wants the kids every other weekend and alternative Christmases)

Things change he needs to grow up

MGrey Mon 13-Nov-17 19:20:24

I can honestly say he's driving me nuts now and my sympathy for his feelings is starting to wear thin.

What makes me even more mad is that i gave him the option to say no when I suggested it to him before I asked them. Because i was trying to consider his feelings too. And now it's got to the point where I can't cancel the plans. Besides he wouldn't do that for me if the shoe was on the other foot I'd just get made to feel bad.

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