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Advice needed - step-children and Christmas Day.

(12 Posts)
36plusandtrying Mon 16-Oct-17 22:44:50

Hi all,

I have posted this on the step-parenting board and keen to get move advice - any thoughts of experience would be greatly appreciated!

I have one SS, who lives with his mum. Comes to me and DH's EOW as a bare min and what ever extra works for all parties. We all have a good relationship, but it hasn't always been this way. SS' s mum is going through a particularly tough time with her work and parents. So we are trying to be as supportive as possible. The discussion of Christmas has come up and previously we have left it up to SS and his mum to decide - what they want to do and we pick up the balance so to speak (he comes to us Boxing Day, spends Christmas Eve with us but goes home to Mum early evening) However with all she is going through DH and I have pondered offering to host her and SS. We've done this once before and it was a nightmare - but that was 5 years ago. WWYD ? Who has good experiences of this ?

Annwithnoe Tue 17-Oct-17 07:07:30

Why was it a nightmare 36? How old is your SS now?

nuttyknitter Tue 17-Oct-17 07:32:58

I don't have direct personal experience of this but have been involved in Christmases where my DB & DSIL also invited his ex and DC. They had had a difficult relationship in the past but both wanted things to be more amicable - I think that's the crux of it. The first Christmas wasn't particularly relaxed, but they went on to do it for many more years while the DC were growing up and are all genuinely good friends now. There has to be a commitment on both sides to make it work but it definitely can.

DancesWithOtters Tue 17-Oct-17 08:04:12

You sound like a very kind person.

What went wrong the last time?

36plusandtrying Tue 17-Oct-17 08:56:19

Basically the nightmare last time was we were living in another country due to DH's work. He was due to collect SS on a flight and return with him, so we could spend Christmas together. (Which admittedly would have been tough on his mum, but she had suggested and agreed it as we had never spent Christmas with him) At the last minute- she pulled out, demanded DH travel to her to spend Christmas with her and SS - I couldn't as was due to work Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. We reached a compromise, paid for her and SS to come to us and booked her a serviced apartment to stay in. This wasn't good enough, she bitched and moaned that it wasn't a hotel (she had pictured herself enjoying room service and spa treatments) so by the time Christmas Day came the atmosphere was tense. SS was thankfully oblivious and enjoyed his gifts. I think the straw that broke the camels back was when she was in our house, enjoying our hospitality - she said she couldn't believe I was still with her ex. She just assumed I was a mid life crisis and would go away, that she still believed that would happen. I was gobsmacked, DH and I had been together 6 years at that point. what followed on was 1 and a half years of abuse and hate from her directed at me. We are in a good place now however, but I'm not sure I can revisit. But was SS to have an amazing Christmas, he's had a tough year and is now 10 so won't have that many magical ones left (although I'm 37 and still think it is the most magical time of the year)

JenniferYellowHat1980 Tue 17-Oct-17 09:09:43

How lovely of you. Perhaps make the offer for SS’s sake and be aware that it may be unpleasant so that anything else is a bonus.

KarateKitten Tue 17-Oct-17 09:13:19

It sounds like things may have moved on. You are in the same country now right? So no need for her to stay longer than meal etc. Or would you have them overnight?

36plusandtrying Tue 17-Oct-17 09:17:00

No we would just need to have them for them for the meal, if she was happy to drive. Alternatively I would throw money at the problem and pay for her cab (40kms away)

ohamIreally Tue 17-Oct-17 09:23:56

When you say she assumed you were a midlife crisis and would go away, does that mean you were the OW?

Austentatious Tue 17-Oct-17 09:29:51

What is absolutely lovely about this is that you are prepared to compromise your own situation to ensure that SS has the best possible time and I hope that exW can rise above her own feelings and do the same.

YEars down the line, isn't it rather irrelevant whether 36 was the OW or not?

MargotsDevil Tue 17-Oct-17 09:30:07

Bit confused... if your DSS is 10 and you spent Christmas with him and his mother 5 years ago at which point you'd been with his dad 6 years... not surprised it was a bit awkward tbh. Do you all live in the same country now - would that make things easier?

36plusandtrying Tue 17-Oct-17 09:44:17

Nope not the other woman. DH and SS's mum were never seriously together, not married or living together. She found out she was expecting and moved to another country. He always supported her financially and in the beginning wasn't going to be involved in actively parenting - however has fought to be part of his life. Once I was on the scene hankered after trying to make a go of it, so was difficult.

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