Help me be assertive this Christmas

[ShaggyDogz]

Since DC were born DH's family have wanted to spend every Christmas with us. This includes his middle age siblings who have no DC of their own. They want to see the DC open presents and spend time with them. Only it's not just Christmas Day, they want to spend the festive season with us despite only living a short car drive away and stay for days on end! I have to kick my DC out of their rooms onto air beds.

This has caused me so much work and expense over Christmas and I have had a pretty miserable time. There are times when I went upstairs and cried because I was so knackered and felt like I'd been pushed out of my own DC's Christmas. They got to do the nice bits whilst I cooked and cleaned up after everyone.

The way I see it is that since DH's siblings are in their 40's, they should take turns to host their parents and we should do it when it is our "turn". I am not totally unreasonable. PIL host lots of dinner parties for their friends so are also capable at doing it at their house. DH thinks I am BU as it is Christmas and time for family and we are the only ones with DC. Funny thing is, he is barely on talking terms with his siblings and they only come out of the woodwork at Christmas.

I have told DH that my options are:

1. One of his siblings hosts Christmas and we go over for lunch.
   
2. We book a restaurant and all meet up. Everyone pays for themselves.
   
3. We cook Christmas lunch and they come over for lunch.
   
   No staying over and no meeting up on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day as I want to relax and spend time with our little family and go visit my siblings and friends.
   
   What do you think of my 3 options and how am I going to break it to them when they ask me, usually around now, what we are doing for Christmas? Any deviation from us hosting usually ends up in MIL being very, very upset.

[flapjackfairy]

I think you have been more than fair so any option is fine. It is totally up to you and you have every right to the christmas you want. Stand firm !
P S i vote for number 2 as no work involved for you and should be guaranteed a good meal !

[wobblywonderwoman]

I would start telling them now. Maybe book a restaurant and let them pay themselves. Saves you being tired. Tell them you will send a text/video of opening the presents but you want to have the morning and evening as family time (four of you or however many)

I am stating that this year. Least you won't have as much work

[NoCapes]

Oh God no I wouldn't have this
Christmas morning is absolutely precious to me, no way would I have a load of family gate crashing it

I think for this year I would go with just offering to cook lunch but no staying over, then you can engineer into the conversation that you should all take turns

Why on earth do they think it's ok for you to do the work every year?!
Nope nope nope
Put your foot down

[BewareOfDragons]

I would just tell him you're doing Option 2 unless he's doing all the cooking and cleaning up. This should have been dumped entirely on you all these years.

If he drags his feet, tell him you will be doing Option 4: you will be taking yourself and the children off to your own extended family or on holiday for Christmas, and he can stay behind and explain to his family that he has been abusing your good will for too many years, by allowing his family to treat you like the maid, and he has really blown it this time. Hopefully, your marriage will survive his failure to stand up for you and allow his family to trample all over your Christmas.

[BewareOfDragons]

*should NOT have been dumped entirely on you all these years

[AndNowItIsSeven]

Scrap option 3 and it sounds great.

[Ropsleybunny]

I think you're being very fair indeed. If I was in your shoes I'd tell the lot of them to do one and then have Christmas I want with my own little family.

I think your DH is being an arse and so are his family.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

In an ideal world, what would YOU like to happen this year?






Do that

Tell DH it is that or the divorce courts

You have done way more than your 'share'. It's time to put an end to it.

Give MIL a date you are free if they want to invite you over or go out for a meal.

I've eaten out for Christmas dinner twice. Both were not worth the money & were not as good as home cooked. Never, ever, again. I'd rather have beans on toast st home.

[noenergy]

He should be the one cooking and cleaning.
Of course the siblings are gonna resurface, they have free food and accommodation.

Where is your family in all this?

[PUGaLUGS]

I feel your pain OP.

I have hosted Christmas the last 18 years. At the dinner table last year I said I'd had enough and it was my DB's and SIL's turn. I know their house isn't as big but just for once I would like to get dressed up and enjoy my meal. Last year was the first year I sort of put my foot down and told everyone they had to bring a cooked veg dish that could be reheated in the microwave, this helped massively as I had done red cabbage and the apple sauce in Oct and popped them in the freezer. Yes they bring wine, chocolates etc but the majority of the costs fell to me.

The look on DB's face was priceless. Anyway he said ok as long as we all brought a veg dish.

MY mum said to me that we would be be getting homemade desserts like everyone does at my house. I said to be honest I just don't care. It's the fact that I won't have to clean, rush, shop, cook etc that means a lot.

[ShaggyDogz]

Unfortunately my parents are not here so in-laws think we have nothing better to do. I can't use the excuse that we were with you last year and this year it is my parents turn. I see my extended family over the month in a very relaxed, no pressure way which is great.

Ideally I would like to see in-laws before 24th or after 26th and spend the three Christmas days in my jimmies with a bottle of white in one hand and a box of chocs in the other. When it is my "turn" I would be happy to host.

P.s. We spend so much money that DH and I end up buying each other nothing as we are broke.

[PUGaLUGS]

wouldn't

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

Option 4: The 24th is on a Sunday his year, so PIL or siblings can host a christmas eve meal, after which your dc will open their presents from PIL and siblings. Then you will go home and they will not be coming to your house at all.

And if MIL gets very upset, let her. If the sound of MIL being upset makes your dh want to give in, get very very upset yourself.

[Mrscropley]

How about they had their Xmas last year - this year it's your turn to relax and enjoy your dc?
Your dh needs to man up. .
His family he can make it clear you are having a quiet Xmas this year. .

[AdaColeman]

Cross out your Option 3, you know they will pick that so that they will have free food and YOU doing all the work.

Learn to say loud and clear "No, I'm not doing that".

Look at all your local part time classes, on line courses, self help books on Amazon, and do an Assertiveness course, you've got four months to change your mind set.

[Didiusfalco]

I think you will have to go for the restaurant option to stop them turning up at yours and not leaving. You need to do something more drastic than just inviting them for lunch to break them of the habit and show them you mean business!

[elQuintoConyo]

We have hosted DH's family (father, borther, sister) since DMil was in hospital and subsequently died. The firat Christmas I hadn't realised they were all taking it in turns to keep vigil at DMil's bedside and had planned on just going to a Chinese. We made the chicken stretch 5 wats, had 2 roast potatoes each, a spoonful of gravy - you get my drift! Beans came out as did chips- everything from the freezer !

DH is one of 6 dc. One brother lives abroad, the other 4 live within a 5-mile radius. We have hosted Christmas since 2010 and have just told DH today that i'm not happy to host again. He agreed wholeheartedly and without getting a chin on. I don't know when we'll break it to them. Oh, we have one dc who they see fairly frequently. There are 6 other dc in the family who aren't so present for no other reason than laziness on the part of their own parents.

It doesn't help that the three we have invited for the last 6 years have massively pissed us off this year

The point i'm trying to make on a very waffley way, is that i stated my point, stood my ground and DH is in complete agreement. If there is any fallout - well, that's on their heads. Plus DH will tell them (late Nov/early Dec, not now it us August!) as it is his family.

I'm already looking forward to having an entirely selfish day of just us 3. Since I hit 34 I've had the hide of a rhino and am happy to stand my ground.

In your shoes, i'd do either lunch out or meet the day before/day after for pressies and nibbles- not in your house.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Get your husband to phone round this week. That's over 4 months notice for his parents and siblings to sort themselves out. And 4 months where you aren't stressing about it. Decide what you and your family want to do. Then do it. If you make your decision clear, you won't have the same issue year after year. The 'Christmas discussion' is a toughie, but once you've had it...

[BananaSandwichesEveryDay]

In your situation I'd research a couple of restaurants /decent pubs and find out what their Christmas offerings are - lots of restaurants are beginning to advertise Christmas Day lunch about now. Find out when bookings open. Narrow down your choices to two or three, tell ils what the choices are and ask for decision (and deposits) by the date the first restaurant opens bookings for Christmas. No deposit = no place at the table. I wouldn't offer them your other options as those could then be 'negotiated down' and you'd end up knackered and not enjoying your Christmas again. Paying their own deposit and cost of the meal, makes it less likely they'd change arrangements as they'd lose their money.
🎄 🎅

[Annwithnoe]

forget the options!
That's a very weak starting position. I don't think it will work and it can only end badly.

Try this:

cheerfully announce that you are not hosting Christmas this year and that it is someone else's turn, (tinkly laugh). Exit to the loo.
Repeat as often as necessary.

1. Don't hear the guilt trip.
   
2. Don't get drawn into explanations
   

and above all

1. don't get involved in figuring out the solution.
   

Just repeat "we're not hosting Christmas this year" firmly and pleasantly with a smile.

You may have to practice in front of a mirror until you can convincingly eliminate the anger and resentment from your voice.

it as a fact, not a question and keep your tone cheerful and friendly. You don't need approval, you don't need understanding (or if you do come here and get it on MN but don't break yourself on the rocks of family indifference)

Let them figure out the solution. Maybe someone else will host, maybe you'll all end up in a restaurant, maybe your husband will do all the cooking, maybe you'll spend it in your jammies..... it's not up to you to determine that (and frankly it's overstepping the line into controlling to try)

If you feel the pressure to elaborate get distracted, have a coughing fit, go to the loo. Every other thing you say makes opens up a chink in your armour. Don't explain because they won't care.

Practice the big smile and keep being nice. It's really difficult to get around.

[LexieLulu]

I always get pressured into things OP, and last year I was told last minute that I was expected to do summit I really didn't want to... travel a long distance with a 6m baby to my dad's gf's house. No.

So I said no, and my dad stopped talking to me for a few days. He then got over it and visited us for an hour before travelling himself to hers.

Anyway what I mean from this is stick to your guns. Tell your husband to tell them now and they aren't to expect anything from you x

[Refilona]

Oh my God OP, poor you. Please tell them that this year you won't be hosting Christmas, and ask who wants to do it so you can book a pub/restaurant with plenty of time if no one wants to go through all the hassle you have been through for so long.
Ideally it would be your dh telling them to be fair. I would ask mine to do it as it is my family. Or he would be cooking dinner. And stick to it - no helping.

[Refilona]

*his family

[fledglingFTB]

Take the money you'd waste on those ungrateful leeches. Book a beautiful holiday cottage over the holidays in the middle of nowhere with just enough room for you, DH & DCs, tell the cheeky fuckers you'll see them in 2018.