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Would you send a Christmas gifts for children when your child does not recieve one in return.

(22 Posts)
helbel34 Wed 16-Dec-15 14:19:28

My sister in law has 3 children we send gifts every year, our daughter is 3 years old and has never received a gift, the question is would it be unfair to now stop sending gifts, I say we should stop but hubby thinks we sould continue to send.

dementedpixie Wed 16-Dec-15 15:02:42

I would stop tbh if you get nothing back.

BeYourOwnBoss Wed 16-Dec-15 15:10:45

I think it would feel very unfair and mean from the children's point of view. I wouldn't stop because they are meant to be for children, not for sil, and children have arguably done nothing wrong to fall out of favour with you.

Whatevva Wed 16-Dec-15 15:14:43

How old are the children?

If they are over 3, then you probably have a relationship with them and it would hurt them. Think of it as building bridges between you and the children.

I wouldn't buy the parents anything though hmm

Perfectlypurple Wed 16-Dec-15 15:19:19

I send to my bills kids. My dsd is now 18 but he never sent to her. I won't stop because I love the kids and enjoy finding gifts for them and he really couldn't afford to reciprocate anyway. He is a single parent and is struggling a bit. We also send something to my mil, she doesn't have the money to spend on loads of gifts. I usually make her a Christmas cake which she loves and is happy with that. If it bothered me I would think about stopping but it doesn't.

Vintagebeads Wed 16-Dec-15 15:19:25

See I would stop,but you say sil am assuming its dh brother children,he obviously wants to buy for them so for him I would.
That said if they are family can a conversation not be had about it.

GastonsPomPomWrath Wed 16-Dec-15 15:29:01

I'm facing this this year. I have 5, they have 3. It's my husband's brothers children. We never forget a birthday or see them go without a christmas gift even if it's a voucher or money.

This year bil and sil only bothered with 2 birthdays before 'forgetting' the next 3, one of them being my husband's 30th, also not remembering our first wedding anniversary, which they were both in the bridal party for and ignoring the birth of our fifth child. She's 9 weeks and they still haven't met her. We didn't get so much as a card.

I feel stupid when I write it down because I know they aren't bothered with us but I've still budgeted for a small gift for each of their children this year because I would feel guilty if I didn't.

GlitteryFluff Wed 16-Dec-15 15:43:03

I would stop.
I know you don't give to receive but it's a bit off. I would stop and if anyone queries it just say you've had to cut back on spending and are only buying for immediate family. Unless you have a decent relationship with them and see them often and they would notice why X hasn't bought us anything this year etc then I'd continue and hope when they children were old enough they'd query with their parents why they aren't buying anything for you.
This year we spoke to cousins who we only see at family parties through year and decided no presents as the normal is to buy vouchers for each other every Christmas because we all felt like we had to, not because we wanted to or know them well enough to buy anything else.

wonkylegs Wed 16-Dec-15 16:04:57

I buy for my nephew despite never receiving anything in return for our son. Same with my mother who is yet to remember her grandsons birthday and only intermittently remembers christmas usually giving something totally inappropriate.
I know it sounds cliched but I do really give for the experience of giving rather than the expectation that we'll get anything in return.

dementedpixie Wed 16-Dec-15 16:05:49

If it's relatives of your dh and he wants them to get gifts then tell him it's his responsibility to buy them and send them. It's a bit off if he is leaving it to you when it's him that wants them to get something. If you want to send token gifts then send a selection box each.

strictlylurking Wed 16-Dec-15 16:25:48

I send gifts to my closest friends' kids in my home country (I don't really have much relationship with my extended family, certainly not that would extend to gift giving either way, so those friends are my family, iyswim) and they don't often send back. But I'm not really bothered. I don't give to receive, and I'm not from the UK so the exchange rate means that my money is worth a lot more back home so it feels like I can send nice things and it doesn't cost the earth.

kiwidreamer Wed 16-Dec-15 16:41:35

I have a similar-ish issue with sending stuff to family overseas that isn't reciprocated, as I faffed around last week with last postage dates I declared to DH to remind me NOT to bother next year as its not reciprocated... his comment was not to set our standards by theirs, if we can a) afford it b) get enjoyment from giving then we should carry on to the level that we feel is right --they are all getting a t shirt next year--

PennyHasNoSurname Wed 16-Dec-15 16:44:39

Well they are your and DHs neices/nephews so Id carry on. For them. Stop when they get to 16/18, or downsize to a token gift but I couldnt not buy something for ny neices and nephews.

GoEasyPudding Wed 16-Dec-15 16:45:03

I would stop. I say this though because we have a limited budget.I would feel a bit disappointed as I do enjoy buying kids things, but I wouldn't feel guilty at all.

They have had 3 years now to get used to the idea of giving something to your child. So therefore I don't think it would be unfair at all.

SleepyForest Wed 16-Dec-15 16:48:50

I send gifts. My relationship is with my nieces and nephews. I love them to bits and like to give them gifts. Their parents are pretty hopeless but that isn't their fault.

My own aunt never used to bother, I remember that.

Star2015 Wed 16-Dec-15 17:12:45

Just send a token item like a selection box, yes your nieces/nephews may be hurt if you stop but will they be any more hurt than your child when they realise their aunt/uncle don't buy for them??

BooOzMoo Wed 16-Dec-15 17:39:12

We send to my SIL & BIL kids who are 6 & 2.
They don't send to ours. We've been NC since April 2014 and it's lovely! We don't like the way they treat their kids or the way they treat ours! Last thing was DNep 5 spitting in DH face and punching my DS in the face !!!

DSIL is a complete and utter crank and he is just a bad but as DH is 12 years younger they think they can treat him how they want!!!!

We still buy their kids because it's not their fault... They are the product of their shit parents and shit parenting!

Also it's a bit of a 'POKE' .... You're a knobhead!!!!

TotalConfucius Wed 16-Dec-15 17:42:09

Perhaps it's time to change from individual presents to a 'house' one. A board game they can all sit round and play together, along with some special biscuits or some such.

HerdOfRhino Thu 17-Dec-15 14:23:32

I am i a very similar situation to you, and I'm not buying for them for the first time this Christmas.

I feel like everything is a little too one-sided.

SingaporeSlinky Thu 17-Dec-15 16:20:13

Agree that it's not the kids fault, so the kids shouldn't miss out if you love them (or your DH does) but I also agree your DH should buy them and send them if it's his family and it could maybe be more of a token present than giving it lots of money and thought.
It would bug me though. Does SIL have money issues or some other reason she's not sending your DD? Could you ask MIL?

thegiddylimit Thu 17-Dec-15 16:32:37

DH's family are shite at giving presents and I never get a decent present from them and they often forget me. MIL has yet to buy DD1 (8 this Christmas) a present because she 'forgets' every year (our other kids who are not Christmas birthdays do get nice birthday presents). So for the last few years I get DH to buy for them because I got fed up of spending my time trying to get nice presents for people who have no interest in spending time trying to get me a nice present. I mean, how difficult is it to look at an Amazon wishlist if you don't have any ideas yourself?

drspouse Thu 17-Dec-15 16:46:18

I give to my godchild and we get from our DCs godparents. At least, in principle - I'm now panicking and realising that actually, we do normally give to the godparents' children but we haven't this year (have had a horrible time in Nov/Dec so have got really behind).

One set have grownup/older children, we give to the parents but we had done for ages before having our own DCs/them being godparents, two sets have their own children and I have not really thought of giving to those children, one I normally give to as it's a vvv old friend but shamefully forgot this year, and one has no children but gives her godchildren a present on an anniversary rather than at Christmas (the DC whose godparent this is will not notice).

So actually, erm, I'm going to need to send a couple of apologetic texts for late presents, I think! In general, yes, if friends/relatives have children we give reciprocally. But occasionally this does not apply.

I'd say that if you have friends/relatives with older DCs then you might have been giving to those DCs for a number of years before your DCs came along, meaning that you might not give them gifts after secondary school/teenage/leaving school, depending on how close you are, but that might mean you have a few years "left over" where your younger DCs get presents.

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