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Do you ask parents if you plan on getting a specific gift for their dc?

(20 Posts)
ThinkIveBeenHacked Fri 12-Dec-14 16:02:35

So say you wanted to buy a bike, or a dolls house, or a play kitchen for a child that wasnt your own, would you check in advance that they didnt already have that item?

The sort of gifts that really kids only need one of, not stuff like books/lego etc that can all be added into whatever they have already?

WiggleGinger Fri 12-Dec-14 16:08:57

I would probably check unless you know for certain they do t have these gifts already / aren't about to receive them.

Who are the children? Niece/ nephew. Godchild?

These sound like expensive 'big' presents, how well received would they be by the parents? Would the parents be put out? Could they over shadow a gift given by them?

I'm not being 'off' just wondering.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Fri 12-Dec-14 16:30:23

I am the parent, and the gift buyer is a relative. An aunt, one who we only see at funerals and weddings etc. We do not have the greatest of relationships, and arent really involved in each others lives.

She has previous, and quite honestly I dont wish to accept gifts for my children from her as they dont really know her, and due to one thing or another she is quite estranged from mine and my parents families (but not NC).

A year ago I bought and have decorated and furnished a wooden dolls house for my 3yo for her Birthday next week. My mum, when at a rare meet up with Aunt, mentioned this (dds birthday is next week), and Aunt seemed quite put out and stated that she has purchased a wooden dolls house for my DDs christmas present.

I suppose the tense/distant relarionship we have, and the problems this aunt and her other half have caused for me and my family over the past few years are tainting my view, (1) kids only need one dolls house - surely she could have checked and (2) I have spent many many hours restoring this dolls house for dd and feel she is stepping on it (though of course she didnt know I was doing it, but surely check)

My Mum said she will keep the house there at hers for DD which is a good idea, but I just feel like contacting Aunt on the day we open the gift and asking if I can exchange it as she already has a dolls house (and she would have known that if she had just asked the question).

Of course I am also thinking maybe I am just sounding ungrateful, but this dolls house I am giving dd has so much meaning behind it and I know she will adore it.

《stamps feet ungraciously》 I want it to be the only dolls house she has.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Fri 12-Dec-14 16:30:40

Oh god that was long!!

ThinkIveBeenHacked Fri 12-Dec-14 17:49:48


HangingInAGruffaloStance Fri 12-Dec-14 18:03:36

Your aunt should have checked. But it would be ungracious to ask for it to be returned, and likely to make things worse. If your aunt was amenable tot hat ideas he would have offered.

Your dolls house sounds special, I am sure your Dd will see it as "the" dolls house. Keep the other one at your mums as she suggested.

WiggleGinger Fri 12-Dec-14 18:12:09

Ok so a would suggest (if you can't return aunts gift.... I would try though) that its not only kept at you mums but perhaps Also not given straight away.
So as not to take the shine off your beautiful house.

There's this side of me that says "no she's my dd and I've lovingly created a beautiful house and I don't want it overshadowed!"

Hope that helps I'm sorry things are like this but I understand !

DaisyFlowerChain Fri 12-Dec-14 18:53:44

Keep it at your mums or ask the local school or nursery if they can use it rather than turn it down.

gillyweed Fri 12-Dec-14 19:19:50

I think gift givers should ask first when its a 'big' gift like this. Its just thoughtless.

My Sil has done the exact same thing; she announced she had bought our dd a kitchen, then promptly sent a photo of a revolting, huge, pink plastic piece of tat.

I'm furious; she never asked or even suggested, its incredibly genderised (something I'm activily trying to avoid), its far to big for our already overflowing house, but I'm mainly just upset because I've spent 2 yrs looking at lovely kitchens for when she was finally old enough to enjoy it. She's also not making/putting it together, so is giving a 65 piece of diy to a 2yr old, that will be fun!

I'm going To have to keep my mouth
Shut and just say thank you. I know I sound ungrateful. I'm probably going To shove it in the garden and hope it disintigrates.

Keep the rubbish one at your mums, your daughter will love the one you've made.

Perfectlypurple Fri 12-Dec-14 19:23:42

My family always ask what to get dsd and I always ask what to get my nephews. No point spending money on something they don't want or already have. My dsd is a little odd when it comes to interests and has never followed the crowd with what is popular for her age so if someone bought something that 'most' people her age would like it wouldn't get much use - although she would never let on if that happened.

Wilf83 Fri 12-Dec-14 20:18:30

Personally I think there is nothing wrong to ask the Aunt if she can exchange it. I keep the receipts for all presents that I buy my friend's & db's dc as I never know what they already have.

If she doesn't want to exchange it I would sell it & use the money for something else. Why should you feel obliged to keep something that you have already said you do not need.

I completely understand that you don't want the other house to take anything anything away from the one you have put so much love & hard work into.

yomellamoHelly Fri 12-Dec-14 21:49:47

I would go direct to the shop it's from and ask for refund / vouchers. Would also withhold the gift from dc. (Have done this in past. - Protects packaging.)

merrymouse Fri 12-Dec-14 21:57:01

I would quite happily tell her that your dd already had one and suggest something else.

It is ridiculous to give that kind of present without checking first.

Cooki3Monst3r Fri 12-Dec-14 23:09:55

People should absolutely ask before buying big stuff. It drives me crazy when people do this to us. We have a small house and it's just bloody rude.

I won't go in to detail for fear of outting myself but we have upset ILs on more than one occasion saying something has to go back because it's too big / duplicate (stuff that's too big to have 2 of).

If I get given a gift for one of the DCs before the occasion from a relative who has previous on this front, I will check it before handing it to DC!

If I were you I would have no problem telling the Aunt, oh thanks for the house but so sorry but she's already got one. And ask if she has the receipt. It will probably wind her up but it doesn't sound like you're that bothered anyway. And it might teach her a lesson (you'd think!).

Or keep at your mum's is a good idea if you don't want to cause a fuss.

cunexttuesonline Fri 12-Dec-14 23:54:52

I always ask, as it is such a waste to have 2 of things. And I wish that everyone also asked me if DS's have XYZ before getting them things as they have a shit load of toys. Some family members are great at this and others not so much. Those duplicate things often end up in charity shops! It's also disappointing for kids (and adults tbh) to receive a present that they already have. Only stuff I don't ask about are v small gifts.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 13-Dec-14 00:21:12

Thank you everyone. Sorry I have been out this evening.

The one she has bought comes personalised with their name on the roof (think Its a Studio.Cards one), and dd was one of only 13 born with her name the year s he arrived so it is pretty rare! Not sure if they acceot refunds on personalised stuff.

I am sad to be in this situation. Why a fucking dolls house?! Why not just a book or a barbie or a bit of lego or nothing at all?

Wilf83 Sat 13-Dec-14 08:57:29

Sell it on eBay or fb selling page. If its a unique name I'm sure someone will love the fact that they are able to buy something with the name on.

IMHO if you keep this present you are sending out the message to your aunt that it is ok to do this sort of thing. A bit of tension/agro this year will hopefully put a stop to it in the future.

Cooki3Monst3r Sat 13-Dec-14 09:54:17

Mmmm.... this is very tricky. And how you deal with it really depends on how bothered you are about upsetting Aunt. Wilf is right, you have a chance here to hopefully knock this kind of behaviour on it's head. She should have asked - without a doubt. Although she probably thinks she's done a lovely thing.

It's probably certain a refund is out of the question.

Is it painted? If so the name can be painted over so that's no biggie.

Do you not want to keep it at your mum's house?

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 13-Dec-14 13:21:15

Sorry, I was out last night.

Thanks everyone. I dont mind keeping it at Mums, and will probably do that, but (1) I dont want it to overshaddow mine and (2) I want Aunt to know she has done something Im not happy about.

WiggleGinger Sat 13-Dec-14 19:01:18

Maybe tell her....

Thanks Auntie but as you know we already got DD a dolls house so as yours can't be returned & so as not to overwhelm DD (overshadow mine)
it will reside at DM's

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