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Christmas Family Angst ...

(11 Posts)
PrincessGeorge Fri 12-Dec-14 03:31:00

This is my very first post and I apologize in advance for the length. I am married with one son. We live away from the UK, my brother lives over here too in the same town. My parents also live in this country and have recently retired and moved several hours away.
The plan for Christmas is that my parents are coming here from the 17th til the 30th.
The problem we have this year is that my brother and I aren't speaking, and my parents want to know how to see his kids over Christmas. He is an alcoholic, sometime drug taker and has really been very unpleasant for many years. He and his ex no longer speak. Most recently she has had a restraining order put against him. A couple of months ago he called me raging . After I hung up on him, my husband texted him to say that while we all love him and care about him, he cannot speak to me the way he does. All hell let loose, he texted back swearing and threatening my husband. We haven't spoken since.
Again, apologies for the length, I am trying to get to the point!
The Dilema is ... Usually my brother, his ex and their two kids would be with us on Boxing Day. I have explained on several occasions to my mum that he is not welcome in our home and can't come here, but that his ex and the kids definitely are very welcome!
I'm now being told that I need to get over it, that we're family, that we only have each other, and I'll be sorry if something happens to him.
I feel like I should once and for all put my foot down. We've has years if him either showing up drunk, not showing up, bringing random girlfriends with him etc and I just want a peaceful time. I feel like I want to please everyone and don't know how .... And I know that this is really upsetting my parents. I think it's more awkward as they're no longer living here , if they were they could have him over and we could just not go. As it is, all celebrations will be at our home.
I feel like just heading out for the day on Boxibg Day, doing the sales or something, but then feel cheated that me and my family can't have the Christmas we want ..... Anyone been through anything similar? We do get on very well with my parents, and I hate that they're so upset, but hate the fact that this has turned into 'my fault' when it's not, it's my brother! Grrrrrr ... I love Christmas but can't get excited this year.

PrincessGeorge Fri 12-Dec-14 03:45:40

Bolloxed that up and posting twice ..... Not sure how to fix it!?!?

Allice Fri 12-Dec-14 05:46:45

Your parents are being unreasonable. They have the best part of 2 weeks to see your brother independently, I'd still invite your sil and kids for Boxing Day and as you sil has a restraining order on your brother he can't possibly be there.

CatCushion Fri 12-Dec-14 06:31:43

YANBU. Agree with Allice, ask if his ex and children can visit, if they are not free on Christmas day (understandable) then see if they can call in for a 'surprise' visit (that you dont tell MIL about). His parents might feel the way they do if they did that but they ABVU to extend that to others and other people's homes.Perhaps they could go and visit your BIL for new year, or he could visit them at their place then.

girlywhirly Fri 12-Dec-14 08:53:32

They are being VU expecting you to have your B at your home. Do they not care about the effect it will have on your son if he does kick off, drunk and abusive? Apart from spoiling the day for you and also not being able to see his ex and the DC.

I think you should stick with your original plan to have the ex and DC to yours on Boxing day, and strongly suggest that your parents go to see him on a different day but not at your home.

I appreciate that you would prefer not to see your B at all, would you consider meeting him with your parents, somewhere for lunch, on the strict understanding that if he arrives drunk, or drinks alcohol while there you will leave? I don't think your parents are fully accepting of how damaging his drunk behaviour is to you, he is their child and they put up with it even though I expect they wish the alcoholism would just disappear and he would be their son as before.

CatCushion Fri 12-Dec-14 09:29:20

Really good suggestion to meet somewhere for lunch etc, girly.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas Fri 12-Dec-14 10:32:32

Why do they have to meet at your home your parents can take him out somewhere?

I THINK YOUR doing the right thing by putting foot down. its his behaviour that has caused all this, he has not made ammends to you and obv his recent behaviour has caused a restraining order!!! and your parents want to just let bygones be bygones.

NO. tough love, stop enbaling bad behaviour. he has to see consequences to his actions.

HolgerDanske Fri 12-Dec-14 10:48:10

You are absolutely right to stick to your guns on this one. You and your children deserve to have a lovely time over Christmas and you should not be guilted or manipulated into putting that at risk. It is absolutely your brother's own fault and his choices should have consequences. Do not back down.

Hope you have a lovely christmas fsmile

attheendoftheday Fri 12-Dec-14 12:52:34

Keep saying no. Suggest your parents go out to lunch with your brother if they want to see him, or that they spend a portion of their visit staying with him.

StrangeGlue Fri 12-Dec-14 12:57:53

Yanbu. If they want to see him they can work that out independently with him. You have no obligation to have him at your house or see him yourself. Your parents are being unreasonable.

PrincessGeorge Fri 12-Dec-14 14:59:16

Thanks for your lovely replies!! I do know what I have to do, just wanted some reassurance. These family things can be so difficult.

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