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Sad about dh's decision in regards to christmas

(37 Posts)
MadameJ Thu 17-Oct-13 10:06:30

Me and dh have always spent christmas day with his family. When we had children we said that it was time to have the day at home which we did last year. Christmas day was imo wonderful, fab lunch, playing with dd then saw family in the afternoon. So dh comes home last night and informs me that he has spoken to his dad who agrees we should have Christmas lunch there this year, I am gutted as I loved last year and we have another dd this year so having to spend the whole day there trying to get the baby to sleep etc fills me with dread. I was really looking forward to Christmas :-(

Anja1Cam Sat 23-Nov-13 22:51:53

GobbolinoCat yes of course some do and it is possible. We used to alternate between both sets of Parents - both about a day's travel away (scotland and mainland Europe). When DD1 arrived we did it 2 more times. When DD2 arrived we declared an end to travelling and that everyone was welcome at ours (it meant a sofabed in the living room for quite a few years before we got more space). We have had a couple of 'just us 4' Christmases, one enforced by the weather, and in recent years the Scottish parents have come to us (but by train when they usually travel by car the rest of the year), they stay 5days to a week and we all enjoy it because we all get on really well. The European parents are too tied up in the events at their end, they would never be able to come to us but they do understand and one year we may decide to trek back to them. No hard feelings on anyone's side when travel is not possible. I certainly don't expect anyone to come us if I'm not willing to brave potential bad weather etc.

GobbolinoCat Sat 23-Nov-13 19:51:19

Its hard isnt it.

Does anyone actually enjoy xmas and the family angle of it?!

I would really love my two DD to want to spend xmas with me when they get older I really really would esp, if there are DC.

However would I want them to be driving across country every year and spending time with us - then cutting that up to dash to the other in laws, then they are left in the middle up set and crying because they just want to be at home with thier own little ones?
Under pressure pressure pressure and not doing what they want at all?

Would I want to force their DH's who maybe we didnt see eye to eye with to sit with us?
In laws who are rude and un welcoming then demand you break your neck to be there at christmas?

I PRAY my DD's naturally want to spend xmas with us when they get older, but if they do not, want to be with in laws or their own little families I would like to think we will be flexible, and even had a second xmas a few weeks after if it came to it!

purrtrillpadpadpad Sat 23-Nov-13 19:32:20

Any news Op?

clam Sat 23-Nov-13 14:54:51

It's interesting that your thread title says that you're "sad" about dh's decision. Why sad, and not fucking livid? Do NOT let them ride roughshod over your wishes like this.

Babanouche Sat 23-Nov-13 14:34:26

Op I hope it works out for you. I'm hoping to go to inlaws this year as I've had enough cooking and missing out on my children having a lovely time without me. They're 10 and 4 now though. Completely different when you're having to think about naps and the like!

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Sat 23-Nov-13 14:21:21

You have to make a stand, I did this for DDs first two years, dragging her cross country to appease others, whilst also working full time and being knackered, last year after the mother of all arguments with MIL I put my foot down and we stayed home, she sulked like a brat, and same again this year but I'm the adult now do I get to choose how I spend christmas... Now she's trying to get us to commit to every Easter, not happening, there's more than one family, my own don't get a look in, but don't sulk, and once you have kids the main family is your own, just say that YOU have DECIDED your staying home, let DH toddle off if he wishes, but he won't believe me smile

MillyONaire Sat 23-Nov-13 14:18:37

with a new baby this is one of the few times you can justify being as unreasonable as you like: say NO! He can call at some stage and see them then.

Squidwardtenticles Sat 23-Nov-13 14:12:52

Op please stand up for yourself and tell them to get to fuck.

Gay40 Sat 23-Nov-13 14:08:09

When you have your own children, you stop going to mummy and daddy's for Christmas.
I'd advise him that if he want to make a unilaterial decision, then fine, but he will be taking the children on his own and looking after them all day and good luck.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 23-Nov-13 14:01:29

I can't believe he tells you what he has decided for you and you think that's in any way OK.

clam Sat 23-Nov-13 13:57:22

"They have decided?" Have they indeed?
Fuck that! No. Just no.

ThreeFromDesire Sat 23-Nov-13 13:39:36

What's happening then op? <Nosey>

Lavenderhoney Sat 19-Oct-13 05:39:41

Who is cooking lunch at your fils? And is he seriously saying he is staying elsewhere Christmas Eve, and plans to leave to rush home Christmas Day to cook a Christmas lunch for 4 ( assume new lady is there) and entertain a toddler and a baby?

What, is he superman? And a Christmas superman? Or is this the new woman's idea of being a fab gf?

I wouldn't be going. Nothing worse than dragging dc into the car, with toys, to someone else's house. Your dh should have said he would ask you. And what if you/ dc aren't well? If you do go, take the most noisy annoying toys, peppa pig in the iPad ( the theme tune will drive them crazy) and say " Christmas is for kids" a lot, whilst ignoring the noise.

Next year, fil will be on a cruise somewheresmile

Cerisier Sat 19-Oct-13 04:59:06

I can't believe he talked to his father before discussing it with you. Extremely poor behaviour. I hope he opts for option 1 too.

FoamyBanana Fri 18-Oct-13 00:25:55

good for you! Will keep fingers crossed for option 1!

MadameJ Thu 17-Oct-13 19:25:29

Ok I have given him 3 options .... 1) we have xmas day at home as planned and his dad/family can visit us. 2) we have lunch at his dads then come straight home so dd's can nap/play toys etc or 3) he can spend all day at his dads and me and the girls will stay at home and do the christmas day that we want. I will let you all know what he decides!

paperlantern Thu 17-Oct-13 15:50:20


its a complete sentence as is. Otherwise

"no you may go but the kids and I are staying at home."

"no I seriously object to someone who is supposed to love me completely disregarding my feelings and agreeing something behind my back."

"fuck off you're being an arse"

hanbee Thu 17-Oct-13 15:39:54

As soon as DH and I were living together we started a tradition of alternating between our house, my parents and ILs. Everyone knows whose turn it is and therefore no arguments!

AmberLeaf Thu 17-Oct-13 15:38:40

I like LtEves suggestion!

LtEveDallas Thu 17-Oct-13 15:34:36

Oh this one is solved so very easily grin

"Darling, If you want to have Christmas with your Dad so much that you are going back on our decision to stay at home once we have children, then I will support you wholeheartedly. BUT. To make it fair, YOU will need to be the one in charge of DD and DBaby. That means feeding them, playing with them, changing them and taking them for walks when they won't settle. I mean, you KNOW that it would all be much easier to do this at home, AND how much I want to be at home, but if I am will to give up my Christmas IN MY OWN HOME for you, then you need to give me MUCH MORE support"

Think he will be on the phone to his dad within 5 minutes.

(Joking aside we have another dd this year so having to spend the whole day there trying to get the baby to sleep etc fills me with dread WHY IS THIS YOUR JOB? Make sure DH has a go too)

LadyBigtoes Thu 17-Oct-13 15:31:29

It is totally nuts that parents and ILs across the country, who have loads of free time and no dependents, get to insist that harassed families drag their babies and toddlers through the ice and snow to have a stressful, high-pressure "family christmas" which hardly anyone enjoys, or else threaten to be hugely offended.

It should be a human right that once you have DC you get to stay in your own home if that's what you want. Your DH is being completely unreasonable - to expect you to do it at all, and to agree it without consulting you.

Stay calm (or you'll be cast as the "difficult" DIL hmm) and say you weren't consulted and your twopenceworth is that you want to stay at home. As you have a 50/50 say in decisions, one would hope, sit down with your DH to come up with a compromise together.

If he won't do that and insists that he gets to lay down the law, then the problem is him.

fieldfare Thu 17-Oct-13 15:15:03

Errmmm, sod that for a game of soldiers.

This requires a discussion. With 2 young children if people want to see you, then they come to you!

DontMentionThePrunes Thu 17-Oct-13 14:44:44

I totally feel your pain. My DH just doesn't really start enjoying Christmas until he gets to his parents' house. The trouble is, his mother appears to have run out of welcome for us (me? ds? he is pretty noisy) and keeps trying, through me not him, to get us to say that we want Christmas by ourselves.
And if I tell him I think his mum would prefer it, it hurts him: but she won't do it herself.
As it happens I would like us to have Christmas to ourselves, but I would be depriving him of what he loves...only from the other side, his mum doesn't love it....

(NB what I want does come into it, except that having done it once, I know he is sad not to be with his family.)

Lunaballoon Thu 17-Oct-13 14:39:33

When you have young DCs, Christmas should be all about making the day as magical as possible for them. Family, inlaws etc should fit in around you, not the other way round. I would be putting my foot down if I were you.

BurberryQ Thu 17-Oct-13 14:32:25

quite honestly having someone 'inform me' of their 'decision' would fuck me off so much i wouldnt be going anywhere besides my own house for Christmas, esp with little ones.

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