To buy or not to buy for an unborn baby for xmas? WWYD?

[mummy1986]

My BIL and his gf are having a baby in April 2013.
They have just brought a houe which is well beyond their means, have trouble keeping up with the mortgage repayments and are already in arrears with council tax.
I suggested to dp that instead of buying them christmas gifts this year we buy practical things for the baby, he agreed.
Suggested to bil and gf and they went slightly mental!
Surely they would be grateful that we want to buy our unborn niece/nephew things?
I know it sounds harsh not buying for them, but they are soooo skint. (My mil is buying the pram, they are having our cot, changing table and all nursery bedding changing mat etc.)
I thought i was being helpful, or do you think not?

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

What did they actually say?

[mummy1986]

She said that it wasnt fair that the baby was taking over everything and she wouldnt be getting any presents because of (and i quote) the "stupid baby".

Btw i should have mentioned, bil is 24 and gf is 17, 18 next week.

[BerthaTheBogBurglar]

Ah. Well I can see both sides there.

Yes, you were being helpful.

And yes, I can see that a 17yo facing the big world of adulthood with a baby on the way and money troubles might see that as "all this and now no Christmas, too".

Maybe you were not the whole reason for "going slightly mental" but merely the person who was there at the time?

Actually, I remember feeling a bit crap when everyone bought us stuff for the baby and failed to notice I existed as a person just because I was pregnant. And I was 35.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

I think you had good intentions and if she wasn't still a child herself she would have appreciated that.

However, at 17 she's probably already freaking out about how much this is going to change her life and this was just the clincher :(

How long have they been together? I take it that it wasn't planned?

I feel sorry for the baby and for her tbh.

You are being very kind giving/lending them all of your baby stuff (if you want it back you need to make that very very clear) but I also wouldn't expect that to be appreciated as neither of them probably have any idea of how much all that costs.

I'm amazed they managed to get a mortgage and more so one that's crippling them.

[mummy1986]

Also no one is pleased he got his 17 year old gf pregnant.
She has mental health problems, bless her, no family apart from a useless mother.
I just want to help out and got abuse!

[BerthaTheBogBurglar]

Oh, its a WWYD. I'd buy them something nice for themselves. And be ready to help in April ...

[mummy1986]

Its his mortgae he got loan upon loan to get the mortgage!
His outgoings are £300 more than he brings in!
I dont know how else to help!

[BerthaTheBogBurglar]

X-posted. In that case, I'd be telling her how lovely it is to be having a new baby in the family, and what a good mum she will be. And generally trying to get alongside her and do a bit of mothering.

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

Stupid baby taking over her Christmas!?!

Well that's the best maternal comment I've heard for a while....

You were being kind, supportive and helpful.

If you feel strongly about it is just buy baby stuff anyway and let them sulk about it.

If not, maybe just buy them a token present and get some vouchers for when baby is born?

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Oh hell :(

What other support do they have? What is your MIL like?

How serious are her mental health issues? Do you feel your BIL has taken advantage of her? Are they good as a couple or a nightmare?

[Bluefrogs]

I would buy a very small token gift and nothing else.
Regardless of the circumstances it was just rude of her to reply like that.
You are giving them enough baby things,maybe they will be a little more gracious or grateful once they realise how much these things cost.

[apachepony]

I know my sil got upset when her first baby was born just before Christmas and her own presents consisted of nothing but things for baby. Think she felt she had disappeared. My family have refused to get me baby things for Christmas - not sure if it's superstition or wanting me to have presents for me rather than baby. Probably the former!

[mummy1986]

chipping Mil is not very good with her, tbh she is a madam and is very ungrateful, but as i keep telling everyone in the family, her upbringing has not been the best, abused as a child from what i can make out.

She has taken an OD twice and ended up in hospital on suicide watch in mental health unit in our local hospital, this has all been in the past year-18months.
Bil not taking advanyage as such, he was very lonely before she came along, and i think (dont get me wrong he loves her to bits) she is the 1st person to how him love, and he fathers her alot, and she acts like a child.

And they are ok as a couple, very volatile one min they are all lovely dovey, the next she is burning him with hair straightners.

[mummy1986]

I know this is kind of getting off the christmas subject, but would social services get involved as she has Od?
Anyone know?

[TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii]

Might be better to ask in a different topic - I'm not sure. Certainly sounds like she's going to find it tough to cope.

On the christmas topic I would get something token for her and something practical for the baby too.

[Bluefrogs]

I have no idea about who to speak to but from what you have just posted it sounds like a difficult situation.
I would look into it further for the sake of the child who will be born into that setup.
Burning someone with hair syraighteners,this sounds like it's going to get worse don't you think?

[MrsHoarder]

Leaving aside all your later worries, I'd buy them something small now and save your "present budget" for when the baby arrives. Then at least their last Christmas as not-parents is not all about the baby, even if it isn't the most present-filled.

As for burning with hair straightners, have you pointed your BIL to advice on domestic violence yet? Men can be victims of this too, and even if she has had a tough life, she shouldn't be taking it out on him.

[Bluefrogs]

Maybe repose in relationships?just because you might get better advice for this issue

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

I think as would only get involved if she is known to them already.

I think it sounds like she would benefit from the extra support of as tbh.

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

Ss-not as

[mummy1986]

Yes you are right, Ill get them something each, just small, then get the baby things when its born.

We have mentioned DV to him, he just says its because she was stressed!

[mummy1986]

how do you repost?

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

I don't know, but I think they are going to need some help & the sooner the better. Why not get this moved to relationships - MN wont mind at all and you will get much more help over there (change the heading when you do that).

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Well, you could copy and past this to a new thread or you could report your own post and ask MN to move it & change the header.

[Ephiny]

I was going to say maybe get JL vouchers or something, then they can choose to spend on themselves or save them for baby stuff.

But reading about the hair-straighteners incident - there are clearly bigger issues going on here. That is appalling. Stress is no excuse for violence - and surely they realise having a baby is going to be a stressful experience? Is he not worried how she'll 'cope' with that?