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Sigh. Does anyone else have this angst every frickin year or is just me?

(26 Posts)
minxthemanx Tue 06-Nov-12 21:34:52

So where do we go for Christmas Day this year? Stay at home (yes please, lovely), with just my Mum (82, not terribly mobile but seriously sharp mentally and loves playing on the Wii and watching the soaps) and the kids. But then we've hosted Christmas for the last 2 years. SIL has invited us there, 1 hour drive away, DH keen to go as it's his brother, but my Mum won't like it at all so I'll be tense all bloody day. If we go to SIl without my Mum, she'll be on her own in Brighton. So whatever I decide, I'm going to piss off either Dh or my mother, or everyone. Btw the reason my Mum doesn't like going to DH's bro is that their DS is vile, hits his Mum and is rude, and particulalry nasty to our DS1. Yet Dh still wants to go as it's their turn.

Anyone else's family like this?!

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 06-Nov-12 21:36:40

just do what i do.

keep away from vile people,you have the other days of the year to have to deal with them.

minxthemanx Tue 06-Nov-12 21:40:34

Good point and I wish it was that simple. I've already refused to spend holidays with BIL and SIL because of their son's attitude - shame as the adults get on brilliantly and have a laugh. so I feel a bit sorry for DH as he obv wants to spend Christmas with them. I could just about bear it, but not with my mother looking on disapprovingly......... or there;s the guilt if I leave her out of the equation........... ye gods.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 06-Nov-12 21:43:18

but what about your sons xmas being tainted by his vile cousins behaviour?

is that not a decent approach to make with dh?

hermioneweasley Tue 06-Nov-12 21:48:14

You are not responsible for your nephew's behaviour or your mother's disapproval. I think it's very kind that your BIL would include your mum in their Christmas so she's not alone, and it's not unreasonable for them to want to host or for your DH to spend time with his DB at Xmas. Go, enjoy having no pressure to deliver the meal and remind your mum that this family are being generous and welcoming.

minxthemanx Tue 06-Nov-12 21:53:43

Hermione you are absolutely right and the adults in question are lovely and all get on really well. But it's not nice watching a 13 yr old boy hit his Mum, tell her to shut up and generally be very unpleasant, as happens most times we see them. Maybe I just need to drink a lot...........

EdgarAllansPo Tue 06-Nov-12 22:03:12

Maybe what that 13 yo needs are a few home truths from your Mum! grin You never know, it might be what it takes to turn him into a charming fella one day. Book your mum a place on their sofa for her favourite soap, take a couple of good games she'd like to play, or a pack of cards, and you two could always sit to one side and enjoy some time together and ignore the little horror.

EdgarAllansPo Tue 06-Nov-12 22:04:02

And get your SIL a fly swat! wink

minxthemanx Tue 06-Nov-12 22:06:04

Ha! Love the image of my Mum letting rip at him. He wouldn't know what had hit him. But unfortunately we'd never see DH's family again........ they are v defensive, or blind, or something........

lizzywig Tue 06-Nov-12 22:22:42

But you're not responsible for your mums actions if she did say something! Either way...problem solved no? I feel for you, I have one in law in particular who i dread seeing around the festive time of year and each year i hope they make alternative plans.

fuzzpig Wed 07-Nov-12 10:21:54

I wouldn't want to take DS to somewhere where he is guaranteed to be bullied or teased. Not on any day, let alone the most magical day of the year!

What does your DS feel about it? sad

anja1cam Wed 07-Nov-12 20:20:17

Can you defer by a day? Spread the visits out a bit? Suggest everyone stay at home on the 25th, maybe because you want to avoid lugging of pressies for your own kids back and forth, and then you go over on Boxing day for a friendly second day of festivities? That's an arrangement my parents had with my 'other' set of grandparents. (in fact it was Christmas eve and Christmas day but the principle is the same) Yes you will still spend a day with them but it's not "the" day if it matters to you. Your mum might have 'better plans' for Boxing day?

Reading these boards it always amazes me what expectations and family tensions people struggle with, and I am truly grateful for my family and in-laws who are all very flexible and relaxed around these 'big' dates and we usually have a lovely unstressed time even when I have started 'hosting' the event (only for 6 or 7 ppl though) after putting my foot down about no more travelling with small(ish) children, but everyone is invited here....

Arithmeticulous Wed 07-Nov-12 20:41:22

Sounds like a win-win! Take your mum to your BILs, she gives your DN a well needed nudge in the right direction, BIL throws you out and you never have to spend Christmas there again; or with your mum because she was so embarrassed grin

ethelb Thu 08-Nov-12 11:48:31

That vile cousin might be nicer next year. Go then.

minxthemanx Thu 08-Nov-12 17:39:12

Interesting. I asked DS1 what he thought about going to cousin's Christmas Day, and he said well it's a special day of the year and families should be together, so I don't want to say no and upset people. And if Nana (my Mum) is there, I'll be safe because I can go and sit with her and she'll always stick up for me.

I thought that was lovely.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 08-Nov-12 17:48:08

He's lovely smile But he shouldn't have to feel like that on Christmas Day.

To put it bluntly (and I hope you don't think I'm being insensitive?!) but your Mum is 82, your DS loves his Nana and you should be making lots of lovely memories - not having memorable days with the nephew from hell.

minxthemanx Thu 08-Nov-12 20:22:03

Mmm, but I'm aware that it's kind of SIL and BIL to invite us all and my Mum. I'm sure we can put up with nephew for a few hours, on Christmas Day, as hopefully we'll all be having fun playing games. And the adored Nana will be staying with us for a few days, so DS will have lots of quality time with her.

It's such a shame - get on really well with SIL and BIL, what a shame NIL is a git. Don't see why he should spoil it for everyone.

minxthemanx Thu 08-Nov-12 20:26:10

and I've warned my Mum that we may well be going there, to which I could hear her flare her nostrils down the phone (!), so I pointed out that DH has every right to spend the occasional Christmas with his family, and that it's very kind of them to invite us. Actually she was fine, as she knows she'll get to spend Christmas Eve and Boxing Day at our home with her adored grandsons.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 08-Nov-12 20:29:22

<ahem> Could you lock him out in the garage grin

addictedtolatte Thu 08-Nov-12 20:29:58

christmas is great for me my dp left 2years ago so i get to do whatever i want. :-)

BerthaTheBogBurglar Thu 08-Nov-12 20:31:57

Good grief, how old is your ds? He's already picked up on the Christmas Guilt Trip thing!

We have to do what other people want at Christmas, not what we want. Christmas is a time for letting our Family be horrible to us, and grinning and bearing it. We must never ever upset anyone, especially not Family. Even if it means spending Christmas with someone who makes me scared enough to have thought out a safe place in advance ...

And why is he thinking 82yo Nana will protect him - does think you won't protect him, because it might offend SIL?

hattymattie Thu 08-Nov-12 20:33:55

He's 13 and hits his Mum! I thought you meant he was 4 or 5 - Your BIL should really come down hard on that. I agree stay away until the psycho kid is sorted out.

minxthemanx Thu 08-Nov-12 20:57:00

DS has always been very close to my Mum, and knows she won't put up with any crap from nephew. (She's not the most tactful!!) Whilst I ensure DS has as little contact with nephew as possible, I don't criticise him in front of his parents (who appear never to notice him being a git), but if I get him on his own I have a few words. Other friends have tried to tell the parents that he's not very likeable and to sort him out, but they went ballistic and cut off the friendships. Not an easy situation. And SIL and BIL are lovely people, just can;t see what their son is like. DS2 adores his cousin, as he's at the age where he finds him hilariously funny, unfortunately. Ah well, I've put my foot down and said no frickin way are we going on holiday together, ever, so in the spirit of Christmas think it's best to accept kind invitation. We'll have a fab morning at home, lots of fun down there, and if NIL plays up I will set my mother on him. Top idea, thank you. Then home for a peaceful Boxing Day. How I love Christmas...............

minxthemanx Thu 08-Nov-12 21:00:04

And DS isn;t scared of NIL, in that sense - he just can't stand him. So he means he can sit with Nana and have deep and meaningful conversations, or watch Corrie, if he needs to get away from vile child.

amillionyears Thu 08-Nov-12 21:03:40

At 13, nephew may decide this year to do a bit of a runner from the Christmas festivities?

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