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I'm really hurt by DM reaction to Xmas invite

(8 Posts)
Onadietcolabreak Mon 15-Oct-12 19:55:17

A little background, as briefly as I can!

DM moved to be closer to us 6 months ago, which I really do appreciate, but she hates it here and blames me (even though I told her I wanted to relocate myself) my brother did live in the area, but moved ferther away the same weekend my DM moved here hmm we don't get along, not arguing, just have as little as pos to do with each other.

The last few months have got very strained, my DF died, and my mother always resented our relationship (they seperated when I was young) my DM cared more about how my brother took the news, even though B had nothing to do with dad for 20 years.

She has also made it clear, she doesn't like DD2, and I'm quite fed up with the comments!

Anyway, I asked my DM if she wanted to spend a few days with me and DCs, she said only if my brother is doing something with his friends. If he's alone and doesn't want to go to hers, then she will stay alone too confused if he stays at hers, if its ok with him, they may come for Dinner.

She did a similar thing last year, and ended up alone feeling sorry for herself.
It was my 1st Xmas as a singe Mum and having had her to stay every year, even when ex DP wanted a family Xmas alone, I didn't want to upset her.
But last year it felt like a kick in the teeth, she wanted me to split from ex, and I was very depressed and DD2s first Xmas too! In the end DF stayed and we had a great time for which I felt guilty sad

I feel like not having her at all over Xmas and just planning it for me and DCs, maybe popping round with her gifts on Boxing Day, only if bro isn't there, he doesn't like being woken by the kids nd my kids get hurt by him not even
acknowledging them.

It's really casting a shadow over Xmas, which I love so.

If it was just us four, I worry that the kids will really feel we have no loved ones left sad

Sorry for the length and rambling! blush

Katisha Mon 15-Oct-12 20:14:13

Don't beat yourself up with images of large happy families all enjoying Christmas like in a tv ad. The main thing is to make a nice day for you and DCs. If your mother and brother can't be arsed then factor them out. Establish some traditions of your own for you and DC and try not to feel that somehow there aren't enough of you.

ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor Mon 15-Oct-12 20:25:35

Yes, I totally agree with Katisha. The best thing to do is to plan your Christmas the way you and your dc want it to be. Making your own traditions is really important, because then in years to come it will always feel like Christmas whether there are 4 or 40 of you.

If others want to join you then fine, but they need to fit in with your day.

NotForProfit Mon 15-Oct-12 20:55:21

i feel for you. my mother greets any invitation to spend christmas at our house like a kick in the teeth. my brother couldnt give a flying fuck & every year is just the four of us for the 'main event'. its actually part of the reason we're trying for another baby - more of us to gather round on special occasions. not that that helps your situation, sorry for hijack.

loubielou31 Mon 15-Oct-12 23:16:06

A small family Christmas could be really lovely, (there are loads who would swap you rather than be swamped by distant relatives they hardly see for the rest of the year).
Definitely make some traditions of your own. Watching the same DVD each year, doing things in a certain order on Christmas day. A special lunch. Hot chocolate in the "Christmas mugs" that come out every year.
I'm still making up my own traditions for my family. Happy for some suggestions for new things.

girlywhirly Tue 16-Oct-12 15:44:07

I agree, make your own Family Christmas and leave your miserable mum and brother out of it. It is entirely their choice then what they do, and they have no right to drag you down too. They are grown-ups and if they aren't happy with their lives they should do something about it, instead of blaming you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

If you're going to see them at all, make it before or after Christmas day, don't let them spoil it for you all. They don't deserve your kindness.

Onadietcolabreak Wed 17-Oct-12 21:26:02

I think it's all about a change of expectations, your right Katisha
I think I just won't mention it again, and plan the day just for us.
I think a break from making everyone else happy and playing hostess might actually be nice! smile

Katisha Wed 17-Oct-12 21:59:40

It will be! You can do exactly what you and the DC want to do. And if that's staying in pajamas, eating Christmas pizza and watching DVDs then that's fine! Don't feel your mother or brother take any sort of precedence over you and the children. They can fit in with you if they choose, and if not, so much the better for a nice cosy stress-free day.

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