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Don't know if this should be here or in lone parents

(26 Posts)
fluffythevampirestabber Thu 13-Oct-11 10:00:30

Trying to keep this short.

ExH wants the kids this Christmas morning/all day until 7. This is our third Christmas split and I totally and utterly get why he wants that and I'm fine with it.

BUT he also then has to do the Santa presents. (I've done them every year since we split and he hasn't contributed at all)

And he's crap beyond crap at present buying. He's very very tight and thinks nothing should be bought that isn't necessary. And last year for Christmas he bought DD1 a blouse in size 12 (she was aged 12) and a coat for DD2. That was it.

What do I do? Do I get back up presents here from "Santa" for the girls or just accept he's crap at it and not bother?

Magneto Thu 13-Oct-11 10:32:12

I would probably have some back up presents. How old is dd2? Does she still believe in Santa, if she doesn't that would make it easier to explain why there would be two lots ofpresets I suppose.

fluffythevampirestabber Thu 13-Oct-11 10:38:26

DD2 is 9 and this is her last year of Santa I think sad

DD1 is almost 13.

I just know he won't get anything fun iyswim?

girlywhirly Thu 13-Oct-11 10:40:27

I think a lot of men are completely clueless about presents, but they continue to be because they don't get pulled up on it. I'm assuming the Santa presents are in addition to the ones from you and him, which is perhaps why he thinks they are unnecessary? In which case there's no reason for him to do it really, you could keep it as your tradition.

You can't really dictate what he gets as presents, but if you or the DDS give suggestions for things that they would like and he completely disregards them, he has wasted his money on stuff they don't like/won't use, surely pointing this out to a scrooge would make him try harder? What did the DDS say to him about the last years gifts?

If it were my choice, I'd wait until the girls arrived home, and give them a Santa gift then as something extra to look forward to. It doesn't need to be expensive and EXH doesn't need to contribute. I'm sure that when the DDS are moody teens, they will let him know their opinions on his choices of gift. Insist he keeps the receipts so that items can be changed.

Marne Thu 13-Oct-11 10:43:01

Could you ask him to give you a list of what he's bought them (say 'its so you dont buy them the same gifts') grin, you could then buy them something from you (so you know they will get one thing that they realy want/like). When my step children were younger santa came to both houses (left half in each house) and i would give dh's exw a list of what i had bought them.

fluffythevampirestabber Thu 13-Oct-11 10:44:57

The Santa presents are in addition, yes.

Trying to explain to him last year that DD1 had to change the shirt because she was AGED 12 not SIZE 12 was painful. Positively painful.

He wants to do the Santa presents - he said he will sort them I don't need to be involved. They'll be at his overnight Christmas Eve and be there in the morning, so the Santa presents will be delivered to his house iyswim?

I think I'll just get some for here but then I feel like I'm covering for him to an extent.


fluffythevampirestabber Thu 13-Oct-11 10:45:32

Marne - x-posts. That's a really good idea. If he'll give me a list.

Booooooyhoo Thu 13-Oct-11 10:47:14

i would suggest that the girls write their 'santa' lists and present them to him. as dd2 still believes he will not be able to say "no i dont think these are necessary" as it will be up to 'santa' to decide. at least if he has their lists there is a chance they will get something they want. you could also, after he has had the list a while, ask him which items he has bought so that you may buy some of the other items from the list. that way reminding him that it is expected that he will buy something they have requested.

Makiko Thu 13-Oct-11 10:48:09

Message withdrawn

Makiko Thu 13-Oct-11 10:48:54

Message withdrawn

fluffythevampirestabber Thu 13-Oct-11 10:52:03

Makiko and Boo - both of those are great ideas too. Yes I'll be phoning them not like him who didn't phone them here last year and we phoned him at 9.30am and the first thing he said was you woke me up so that would work. I just feel like it's covering his ass a bit you know? but it's the last year of Santa so I don't mind too much.

But it's symptomatic of so many things he does. he'll make himself out to be the great I Am "doing" Christmas but he won't put any effort in.

<<reminds self that's why he's an ex emoticon>>

Booooooyhoo Thu 13-Oct-11 11:01:32

ahh my mantra ATM "that's why he's an EX, that's why he's an Ex, that's why he's an EX" grin

fluffythevampirestabber Thu 13-Oct-11 11:07:23

Me too Boo grin

girlywhirly Thu 13-Oct-11 12:38:08

If this is likely to be the last year of 'Santa' presents, why not have another tradition that only happens at home with you? My mum used to do a 'Christmas tree present' when I was older, an extra to the others once she had stopped doing stockings for me. It could be on Boxing day, or Christmas eve, whenever you choose. It's not about the present or scoring points, more about something fun that the DDS will enjoy. Exh has nothing to do with it.

Trust me, the older they get the less impressed they will be about their dads lack of effort, (not just with gifts) and will tell him so. Especially if he doesn't take on board their wishes. I appreciate it can be hard to get presents right for teen and preteen girls, but if he doesn't take the advice he's offered that's his problem. I can see it becoming a source of much ridicule.

fluffythevampirestabber Thu 13-Oct-11 19:37:58

Yeah girly you're right - and while I'd never stop him having them on Christmas morning, I'm a little sad that her last Christmas is more than likely going to be rather flat.

He won't buy any toys - he genuinely does not buy anything that doesn't have a use or isn't needed. So no toys, computer games, or "frivolous" clothes - if you have a coat you don't get another, if you have a pair of jeans, you don't get another

Was a source of much conflict when we were together.

fluffythevampirestabber Thu 13-Oct-11 19:38:45

Sorry - her last Santa christmas.

Not her last Christmas.


KinkyDorito Thu 13-Oct-11 20:02:26

Why does he want to be with them when he doesn't seem that fussed? My DDs dad and I split when she was a baby, and she's always spent Christmas with me. He's not as bothered about it as I am - didn't want to mess about doing Santa. I love Christmas and make a massive deal about it. He used to pick her up mid-morning and take her for a few hours, then I'd get her back again. We always have done presents separately and he's never contributed to Santa gifts as he gets his own present for her and the Santa extravaganza is my choice.

I'm just surprised your ex has bought into wanting them with him when he doesn't sound that arsed about Christmas, given what you've written. Unless I'm being unfair and he's more about the spiritual than the material? But that's not clear from your post.

I feel for you, though. Negotiating Christmas through family splits is always hard going.

fluffythevampirestabber Thu 13-Oct-11 20:04:34

He's a Born Again Christian, so for him it's about the Church aspect. And they'll get to go to his mums and eat her cooked-in-the-first-week-of-December, sliced and covered in gravy and reaheated turkey with veggies boiled to within an inch of their lives.

KinkyDorito Thu 13-Oct-11 20:17:18

Aww. Have a second Christmas either on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day and tell them that Santa will be delivering as normal (or early/late) to yours, assuming you can afford to do it. If not, then at least it's just this year and next year will be amazing!

fluffythevampirestabber Thu 13-Oct-11 20:18:15

I can afford to do it, and that's probably what I'll do.

Thanks all.

muddyvampsters123 Thu 13-Oct-11 20:22:05

My friend does this every other year with her xH.

DC are 10 & 12

Every year she buys santa presents for her DC. If they are at hers they have them christmas day with their main present. If they are at their Dads they have santa presents on Boxing day instead.

It seems to work for her and the DC get two christmases. grin

KinkyDorito Thu 13-Oct-11 20:35:00

I'd like two Christmases! Best wishes with it fluffy.

olibeansmummy Thu 13-Oct-11 22:07:57

I think I'd get my own 'santa' presents and give them to your dd's when they get home from their days or on boxing day. I wouldn't do it christmas eve or they'll be going to their dad's and telling him all about what they've already got. At least give him a chance to get it right, but at least you can rest assured that they will get decent presents.

girlywhirly Fri 14-Oct-11 08:52:07

But Christmas isn't all about presents, as a parent he is falling short. He is using his faith as an excuse to be frugal, which in practice is just seriously ungenerous. He doesn't have to make the meal as his mother is doing that, will there be any games that they can all play together, or any fun for the girls? Even church ministers do that with their families.

I thought that generosity of spirit was a virtue, evidently not in his version of Christanity.

If this Christmas falls flat, I can't see them wanting to see dad any other Christmas, preferring to see him another day with no religious connection!

fluffythevampirestabber Fri 14-Oct-11 08:53:44

No games.

No crackers even - they're gambling.

I don't want to interfere though so I'm just going to do my best to make Boxing Day fun for them.

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