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Another Xmas dilemma - advice needed

(13 Posts)
claudia88 Sun 11-Sep-11 23:47:42

We always have Xmas on our own - just me DH, DCs. Its lovely, we have our own traditions and customs and its a really nice day for us all to be together on our own.

For all the time we have been married (12 years) MIL has not featured on the Xmas scene (lives at other end of country, has other grandchildren nearby).

This year PIL died and now MIL has suggested that she come to us for Xmas . I am trying my very best to be sympathetic and kind but I am finding it really hard. I know that we can't really refuse but I am dreading the thought of a) someone else being around who doesn't get our little Xmas scene & b) the fact that she is might be quite sad some of the time and I am quite bad at dealing with that. I know this sounds really mean.

Anyone else had to deal with similar. Any tips about how to handle it. Did it go ok?

OvO Sun 11-Sep-11 23:58:09

You are sounding mean (I don't want to hurt your feelings and I'm sure you are a nice person and your post isn't showing the real you, iykwim). Your poor mil. You deal with it by being a nice, caring person and put aside your feelings of awkwardness about not knowing how to deal with her feeling sad.

Is it you FIL that has died? Won't your DH be feeling a little sad too?

BluddyMoFo Mon 12-Sep-11 00:02:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OvO Mon 12-Sep-11 00:16:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Honeydragon Mon 12-Sep-11 00:27:18

I think your MiL is asking as she feels different surroundings may help her get through Xmas and focus on the positives. I think you know that you cannot say no. I'm sure you dh is grieving too, it will be good for them both to be able to celebrate the life he did leave.

I don't think you are being mean, I think you are more perturbed as to what your role will be and how you can balance being supportive with keeping things fun & festive for your dc's.

The fact that you are worried that you won't know how to deal with her sadness shows you do care. Think of this as an opportunity to see the Xmas traditions you have created, perhaps this is what she is looking for, rather than going through her usual motions with an aching loss that her dh isn't doing her normal Xmas traditions with her?

Honeydragon Mon 12-Sep-11 00:27:56

leave = live blush sorry

claudia88 Mon 12-Sep-11 00:37:09

Thanks for replies - I know it sounds mean and I don't feel too good about feeling that way.

Of course we will have her but I think what Honeydragon says sums up what I was trying to say better than I managed it especially the bit about the DCs.

So I was wondering if anyone else had had to deal with similar and how it went.

Honeydragon Mon 12-Sep-11 00:43:10

Give it a bump tomorrow I am sure people will see and be able to give further advice smile

claudia88 Mon 12-Sep-11 00:44:04

Ovo - not a wally at all - how terrible for you to lose your DS2. It must have been such a sad and painful time for you.

Don't worry about offending me.

claudia88 Mon 12-Sep-11 00:45:06

Will do HD. Hadn't realised how late it was.

ENormaSnob Mon 12-Sep-11 10:20:22

Do you see your own family over Xmas?

Why have you never spent a Christmas with ils? Their choice or yours?

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 12-Sep-11 10:49:08

Try and imagine the roles were reversed and you'd lost your DH and needed some comfort at whats bound to be a hard event for her. Would you like to be rejected?

Your children may love having their granny to fuss over them and show off their new toys, it might be your ideal xmas but that doesnt mean they might not fancy a change.

claudia88 Mon 12-Sep-11 12:19:27

Hi All - I think my post last night was a bit negative (DH suddenly sprung the news on me just before bedtime).

Of course I'll have my MIL and of course we'll make her welcome but what Honeydragon said about how to balance Xmas jolity (especially over excited DCs) vs MIL & DH feeling sad is a bit daunting. So was wondering if anyone had a story about how they handled similar situation.

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