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I’m an (adult) adoptee - ask me anything

(61 Posts)
Iris1600 Sat 28-Nov-20 23:05:34

Not sure if this thread is interesting or helpful but happy to answer question if so.

OP’s posts: |
Purplewithred Sat 28-Nov-20 23:14:37

How old were you when you were adopted, do you remember it? If so how did you feel?

Iris1600 Sat 28-Nov-20 23:23:17

I was a newborn baby so I don’t remember it. I always knew I was adopted as my parents told me early very early on. I was always incredibly interested in my birth parents though.

OP’s posts: |
BammBamm Sun 29-Nov-20 07:24:40

Did you try to find your birth parents? And if so, was it successful?

SnuggyBuggy Sun 29-Nov-20 07:27:38

Do you feel your situation was handled well by your adoptive parents and the authorities involved in your placement?

What term do you prefer, birth parents, first parents, biological parents, natural parents? I've heard of various preferences and explanations here.

PigsInHeaven Sun 29-Nov-20 07:33:50

How old are you, and as a child growing up with your adoptive parents did you have the kind of life story work etc thats standard now with adopted children? Was there letterbox contact with your birth family?

JacobReesMogadishu Sun 29-Nov-20 07:40:18

Have you found your birth family?

If not are you tempted to do a dna test like Ancestry test? See if any relatives are on the database?

Sarahlou63 Sun 29-Nov-20 09:22:45

Following with interest as I was in the same position (found my BM at 37 - 20 years ago).

Iris1600 Sun 29-Nov-20 09:47:45

Ooh - lots of questions! I’m 53 and had amazing adoptive parents who sadly passed away 4 years ago. I think of my adoptive parents as my real parents and I think of my original parents as my birth parents.
Because I was adopted in 1967 there was no contact with my birth family and my new identity was secret.

OP’s posts: |
Iris1600 Sun 29-Nov-20 09:52:06

I think my parents handled the situation very well when I was growing up. I had a very happy childhood. My parents adopted a baby boy the year after they adopted me, so I grew up with a younger brother. We were both educated privately and went on to university and both have interesting careers.

OP’s posts: |
Sarahlou63 Sun 29-Nov-20 11:59:54

Have you ever searched for your BM?

Iris1600 Sun 29-Nov-20 14:50:34

I was always very interested in finding my birth family. When I was a teenager I went through a bit of an identity crisis as I felt I didn’t know what I was meant to be good at genetically. Anyway I got over that but never lost interest. There were times in my life when I almost forgot about it and other times when I thought about it a lot - the birth of my two DC was one of those moments.
I eventually applied to social services for access to my birth records when I was 40 but then my dad developed cancer so I put it on hold. After my parents died in 2016 I had some bereavement counselling and the counsellor suggested that now might be a good time to pick up the search again. This was spring 2017. I had to meet with a social worker for counselling first and then they provided me with my original birth certificate!
I was excited to see my birth mother’s name there but sad no father’s name was on there. To be continued....

OP’s posts: |
GreenClock Sun 29-Nov-20 14:57:13

Once you knew her name, what happened next?

Whydoelephants Sun 29-Nov-20 15:00:03

What advice would you give adoptive parents of today, particularly those adopting a newborn?

PigsInHeaven Sun 29-Nov-20 18:24:10

When I was a teenager I went through a bit of an identity crisis as I felt I didn’t know what I was meant to be good at genetically.

That's an interesting take on it. I suppose I can see why it would be a temptation for an adopted teenager to think it would be easier to have a 'steer' from family talents and interests, but honestly, OP, I am my parents birth child, and they are their parents' birth children, and nothing that I do well, or am interested in, seems to be inherited.

Iris1600 Sun 29-Nov-20 19:45:54

I was quite horrible to my lovely parents when I was a teenager unfortunately sad

OP’s posts: |
Iris1600 Sun 29-Nov-20 23:08:04

After meeting with the social worker and obtaining my original birth certificate, I paid some more for them to try and trace my birth mother. She had quite a common name so I thought it might be quite difficult. My parents had told me that she was a student - I’m not sure how they knew this - and my birth certificate showed that I was born in London, so there was a little bit of info to go on. Quite quickly I got a call to say that they thought they had found her! I was very excited. The address they had found meant that she lived only an hour and a half away from me! I don’t know why but I had thought she might have emigrated to Australia so this seemed like good news. My social worker agreed to act as an intermediary and initiate contact. He drafted a letter and put it in the post. I waited with baited breath...

OP’s posts: |
SnuggyBuggy Mon 30-Nov-20 07:18:05

Have you considered doing ancestry DNA?

SeaSunSand Mon 30-Nov-20 22:21:23

Me too 🙂 I hope you continue your story.

bloodywhitecat Mon 30-Nov-20 22:26:31

Did you go into foster care before adoption? I am about to transition our foster baby to adoption, they have been with us for a year and I am having nightmares about it.

Molly333 Tue 01-Dec-20 04:11:56

Would love to know outcome

Iris1600 Tue 01-Dec-20 19:24:56

No I didn’t go into foster care - luckily my parents were able to bring me home from the hospital. Things were very different back in 1967 to how they are now.
Back to the story - I waited very impatiently for a reply from my birth mother to the intermediary. After a couple of weeks I started to feel very disappointed that there hadn’t been a reply. My intermediary said to wait a bit longer but to be prepared for bad news. Sure enough after another week he received a reply scribbled on the letter he had sent just saying that we were not related sad. I was very disappointed that we had got the wrong person and thought that I had come to a dead end.
The intermediary suggested contacting a specialist researcher in case she could help. She had a look at the information we and unfortunately wasn’t able to identify my birth mother. But she suggested an AncestryDNA test as she said she had had previous successes with that. I ordered a test just before Christmas but didn’t actually get round to taking it until Easter. My results finally came through at the end of May and I was very excited opening the results!

OP’s posts: |
Worriedaboutcovid19 Wed 02-Dec-20 19:09:38

Then what happened op? Are you able to say the full story? X

Iris1600 Wed 02-Dec-20 19:55:46

TBH the full story is amazing but very identifying - I want to continue but not sure if I should.

OP’s posts: |
Ginger1982 Wed 02-Dec-20 20:15:08

You can't stop now!

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