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I'll be a mum to 2 at 19 (and DM a grandma to 2 in her 30s) AMA

(99 Posts)
qwertyq Sun 30-Jun-19 19:22:24

We get a lot of weird comments (some very positive, some judgey), so if it's of any interest, AMA!

sniffingthewax Wed 30-Oct-19 08:11:15

I had 3 before 23 but was married, DP had a good job and we had a home in a naice area and I think to a certain extent that warded off comments from people. I'm now nearly 40, (still married) have degree and masters and I find I'm much more conscious of comments now than I was then. Eldest dc is starting uni and there's always a 'you must have started young!' comment said with horror/shock whenever it's mentioned.
My dc have been the best thing that has happened to me, we haven't missed out because I was young, we have travelled extensively, dc in grammar schools so hopefully their educational prospects will be good, but my career path is non existent. I did a degree with OU along the way and a part time masters but as dc3 has SEN I have never been able to work. I have quite an extensive voluntary resume but zero paid employment which means that most likely I will have to start job seeking an entry level job in my 40's which is very depressing.

Owlsintowels Tue 15-Oct-19 09:30:19

www.google.com/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/rape-victims-child-benefits-women-dwp-universal-credit-work-pensions-support-a8421086.html%3famp

Owlsintowels Tue 15-Oct-19 09:28:04

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl
@Baritriwsahys
Gov rules have changed, you only get child benefit for your first two children now.
Exceptions are if second pregnancy is multiple or if a third pregnancy is due to rape. I don't know details but I think you have to prove rape somehow, or at least sign a statement.

There was a pretty big fuss when the rape clause came in, did you not hear about it?

Look up which MPs voted in favour of the rape clause, might be helpful in helping decide who to vote for in the likely upcoming general election (last point directed at everyone, not just those who hadn't heard about the two child rule)

Aunaturalmama Tue 15-Oct-19 03:22:34

I was definitely immature when I had my first. There is actually a change that happens physically when a person gives birth that makes you able to care for your children better! I can definitely say that first year was hard for me and I really figured out time management and aged in maturity very fast

Aunaturalmama Tue 15-Oct-19 03:19:36

I just wanna come on here and say.... I had two children back to back (and hey pregnant with my third when my second is 17 months now), and they have more toys and holidays than any child I know. We are in the 1% of earners so not hurting for money. Not all young mum’s and mum’s of unplanned close pregnancies are living in poverty. Jeez.
I love being a young mum. When I am 50 my kids will be basically done with uni and I’ll have my life completely back. And I’ll be able to run around with my grandkids like nothing!
I also recovered well from each pregnancy from being so young.

goingonabearhunt1 Mon 01-Jul-19 15:39:23

I don't have any judgement for whatever age people want to have kids tbh, the only thing I ever wonder is how they afford it and how they can deal with the responsibility but that is because I am looking at it through the lens of my own experience (was earning nothing at 19 and was completely immature), obviously other people have different experiences/are more mature grin Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

Marlena1 Mon 01-Jul-19 11:22:30

@teenmum18 I actually think that's a bit judgemental to older mothers. Things work out differently for different people. There is no right and wrong, just different circumstances.

hsegfiugseskufh Mon 01-Jul-19 11:05:00

you are very judgemental if you think that having children young means that you miss out. I don't feel like I have missed out on anything.

I still have a career, a happy relationship, nights out, holidays, friends (ok less friends but at least I know the ones I have will stick around!)

what do you think I should be doing instead?

Baritriwsahys Mon 01-Jul-19 10:36:31

I'm in my 40's and about to go back into education, it's fine

BrienneofTarthILoveYou Mon 01-Jul-19 09:47:08

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl and @teenmum18 - the point of my post was that I don't want to be condescending or patronising, but can't help feeling sad and sorry for how much life you miss out on having kids so young. I wish I didn't feel that way as I don't consider myself to be a judgemental person, but I guess I must be and I wish I weren't.

qwertyq Mon 01-Jul-19 07:35:34

@Slat3 I've got plans to study, I hope an employer will put me through relevant qualifications or it'll be something like OU.

I don't feel embarrassed as such, that's not the right word for me, it's just really conscious sometimes of people's negatives opinions or people staring and I feel like I still have a constant feeling to justify myself and prove myself.

I do want to marry him, yes (not yet though)!

I'm unsure about having other kids. I'm honestly 50/50 and it's more of a time will tell situation!

Baritriwsahys Mon 01-Jul-19 00:23:19

your future children won’t be entitled to child benefit.

Why not? Is there some weird ruling that if you have children when you are young you cant claim it past a certain age confused

teenmum18 Sun 30-Jun-19 23:08:47

Well said @JoanMavisIcecreamGirl 👍🏼

I'm not really sure why people are so judgemental and pity the women who chose to be Mother's young. So many women wait until their 30s to start a family and find out they have fertility issues. I'm glad I had mine young while my eggs were fresh.

hsegfiugseskufh Sun 30-Jun-19 22:56:22

and your future children won’t be entitled to child benefit

Why?

Oh and as for this

Seems such a waste to me as you have your whole life to settle down with children so to do it at 19 seems desperately sad. Sorry!

Dont be so bloody condescending.

Dont feel sad look down on people who chose to continue with a pregnancy before 35. Not all of us want to backpack around Europe and get shit faced every night for 10 years.

I wanted a child young so im not still doing primary school drop offs into my 40s but i dont feel sad for people who choose to do that.

whattodo2019 Sun 30-Jun-19 22:36:17

Ignore any negative comments. Focus on being the best mum and get a good education.
Be the best role model for your kids.
Xx

Slat3 Sun 30-Jun-19 22:25:47

Do you have plans to study more in your 20s?
Do you ever feel embarrassed?
Do you want to get married to DC2s dad?
Do you think you’ll be done or have more children?

I ask this as a relatively young mum (21 & 23 for mine) who desperately wants another but would be embarrassed to have 3 kids by the age of 27. Like damaged goods or something. I don’t know, it’s a lack of self confidence from me. I am still with the children’s dad but if we ever spilt up I would feel nobody would want me!

mimibunz Sun 30-Jun-19 22:19:13

I don’t look down on young mums but I am aware that young pregnancies tend to lead to higher child poverty and low education, which also tends to recycle. Whatever you think about your choices your children are more important, and your future children won’t be entitled to child benefit. That’s a lot of cards to play before you’re 20.

Baritriwsahys Sun 30-Jun-19 22:13:52

@Nextphonewontbesamsung

As if you don't have a clue how aggressive you were with that comment.

Ginger1982 Sun 30-Jun-19 22:12:04

@Nextphonewontbesamsung I believe it was your question which, for what it's worth, I didn't think broke any guidelines though it might have been a bit 'to the point.'

BrienneofTarthILoveYou Sun 30-Jun-19 22:07:54

Can you support yourself Op or do you rely on benefits?

I don't mean to be judgemental at all but I think I must be as I feel so sad for you to be missing out on some fantastic times of being young and carefree. Seems such a waste to me as you have your whole life to settle down with children so to do it at 19 seems desperately sad. Sorry!

NoSquirrels Sun 30-Jun-19 21:39:29

I worry that any employer will see 2 bouts of maternity leave before 20 and not give me a second look for how it must seem!

Don’t worry about this! Loads of people are only getting started in their careers at 21/22, after studying. Loads of people are going back to studying as slight older ‘mature’ students for all sorts of reasons. Loads of employers might even be a bit relieved that you’ve already started a family and thus less likely to take maternity leave on their watch (the world is still sexist). So don’t worry- be ambitious, though, use your youth and energy to your advantage!

Nextphonewontbesamsung Sun 30-Jun-19 21:23:59

I would love to know which Mumsnet talk guideline I broke. I can't even remember what was in my deleted post but I know for sure it won't have been a personal attack.

BogglesGoggles Sun 30-Jun-19 21:06:18

@Nextphonewontbesamsung I didn’t plan the second one per se (we wanted a bigger age gap) but didn’t abort when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted a child, I knew that it might not happen again if I were to abort, so I had a child. If I found myself pregnant tomorrow I would abort because I don’t want more children. It’s not a case of not wanting a child just then and therefore deciding to reject the chance at having a child that pregnancy presents.

@OP don’t worry about employers reactions. I had two children (one when I was your age, the second a couple of years later) so I took some time out. Employers completely understanding-very few employers expect their employees to have no life anymore. And many of the bigger corporate type employers have really took on the whole diversity thing and so have learn to accept that women usually end up taking time out for babies and Male suitable adjustments

Baritriwsahys Sun 30-Jun-19 20:58:03

Oh wait, you can't. MNHQ have deleted it.

I will take that as point made.

Baritriwsahys Sun 30-Jun-19 20:57:11

Why do you think it's impolite to ask a straight up question on an AMA thread Baritri?

Go read what you wrote and think about it ffs.

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